


cracks in his porcelain

by byunderella



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: 2park, Angst (if you can even call it that idk i'm new to this), Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, College AU, Depression, Dongpaca, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Family Issues, Homophobia, M/M, Manipulation, Panic Attacks, Romance, Slice of Life, a lot of bnm4 and platonic!chamhwi, and woojin being the confused mess that he is and not knowing what to do ever, basically a lot of hurt!jihoon pretending to be okay, daehwi and baejin are aged up and the same age as woojin jihoon and donghan, jinhwi, slowburn, the slowest of slowburns i hate myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2018-12-26 10:20:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 62,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12056967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byunderella/pseuds/byunderella
Summary: In which Woojin tries his hardest not to let Park Jihoon and the memories that his presence resurface lead him off of the path he worked hard to get back on, and Jihoon is made of broken parts but is convinced he's put most of himself back together again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> unedited pls dont fight me if theres a lot of mistakes

1. 

 

* * *

 

 

 _if i lost myself  
_ _would you try to find me?_

 

If today is any indication of what’s to come for the rest of his college life, Woojin thinks he might as well hop on the next train to Neverland.

 

Granted, it’s probably his fault to begin with. Who in their right mind gets buzzed at a college party the night before the first day of classes?

 

Oh right, _him_.

 

The longer he thinks about it, he concludes that if anything, the entire thing is _Daehwi’s_ fault. Woojin blames him for convincing him to tag along—the kid sure loved his socializing. He knew it was a stupid idea, the second Daehwi mentioned ‘party’ Woojin was ready to forfeit his best friend status in return for a good night rest, but Daehwi wasn’t having any of that. With a resolved smile (that was arguably more along the lines of devious rather than a _i’m doing this because you’re my friend and you need to have fun_ type of thing), Daehwi dragged the unenthusiastic Woojin down to one of those Greek frat houses that he could never for the life of him pronounce.

 

Woojin had an inkling that college parties were likely to be like high school parties, only amplified _tenfold_. And the second he stepped into the party—disturbingly swarming with people in various states of undress and unruliness— and was almost smacked in the head by a football (who in the bloody _hell_ plays football indoors?), he turned to Daehwi and tried to force them both out the door quicker than they walked in. Except Daehwi slipped out of his grasp the second he saw Sungwoon and pushed through the crowd towards him, leaving Woojin alone at the door and regretting ever letting the little brat into his life.

 

He couldn’t even fathom why there were so many people at the party anyways. Classes started the next day, and walking in with a hangover wasn’t really Woojin’s idea of a good state to be writing notes faster than you were reading them off of the projector. Was this their version of a senior prank? Did people purposefully get shitfaced the night before the first day of class and just not show up to piss of the professors?

 

Maybe he wasn’t one to be judging though, because come 10 in the evening, Woojin was on his sixth cup of beer and he was _definitely_ a lightweight. He met an acquaintance from his dance studio—Taehyun, who was quite easily an intimidating person if you ever saw him dance—who had introduced him to his group of friends after Daehwi had all but ditched him after practically dragging him there against his will. Taehyun offered him a cup of beer, and his first reaction should have been ‘I have school tomorrow this is a bad idea’—but it wasn’t. Maybe he should have known better than to let Daehwi walk away knowing very well he was the most vulnerable to succumb to peer pressure.

 

He wasn’t always terrible at social situations, he might have even considered himself to be social butterfly at one point of his life. But that was middle school, and middle school wasn’t exactly the hardest place to fit in. Come high school though, everything had changed.

 

Isolation. Isolation was an intention. He didn’t _want_ to be known in high school—popularity wasn’t his objective this time around, not after everything that happened in middle school. _You’re a disappointment_ , his father had told him, curt and hard. It stung, but it wasn’t undeserved—even Woojin knew that. He had been called into the principal’s office one too many times that month, eighth grade was nothing short of a nightmare. He had befriended the wrong people; he didn’t even know a middle schooler could _be_ that cruel, not until he became it himself. What was so influential about the mechanism that made him abandon the beliefs and values he was taught? Was it the power that intrigued him? The encouraging pats on the back that kept him going? Or he was just the loser that fell into that very dreadful concept of peer pressure that he only _wished_ could pass as a good enough explanation for his troubling behavior.

 

At the very least, somewhere down the line he had managed to get his act together, all the more better that his family had moved the summer before high school started. He was given the opportunity for a fresh start, and he wasn’t going to let himself fall back into the influence of bad company. So that’s why he kept to himself for his freshman year, he couldn’t trust himself to be strong enough.

 

And then came Daehwi. And as much as Woojin wants to argue that the kid was nothing short of a headache, he was one of the most important people in his life. If it weren’t for the bubbly, persistent kid that sat next to him in his History class—a place where people really shouldn’t be _that_ happy—he might have never made friends. Perhaps it was his fear of utter dependency, the reliance he had on people back in middle school indisputably made for a rocky beginning. No one really taught you how to make friends; there wasn’t a rule book or a guide on friendship. Elementary made it easy enough where you would simply ask people at the playground to join you, and if you were lucky enough to grow up with them the differences you had wouldn’t really matter by then. But how were you supposed to make friends in high school? There was no playground, not even a recess. There was just busy halls and awkward seatmate silence—no sure way of telling if you liked the same things enough to carry a conversation to last more than a day, that would keep you talking for the rest of the year. And then a teacher would interrupt you even if you finally gathered the courage to try.

 

So maybe he’s a _little_ grateful for Daehwi’s personality, maybe the detentions for speaking during class were worth it in the end.  

 

But that night, he wasn’t so sure Daehwi was the greatest example of a good friend.

 

Daehwi found him by his fifth cup, though he didn’t know it was his fifth at first because Woojin thought he could get away with lying to him about how buzzed he _really_ was. He just knew he felt lighter and he wanted to rid himself of the first day jitters that refused to leave him, it doesn't even register he's had five cups of beer on an empty stomach. The blonde quickly realized his state and left to find Youngmin—who, upon seeing his goofy grin almost kicked him in the shin—to help him deal with his mess of a friend.

 

And Youngmin, God bless his soul, managed to drag him out of the door before he could take another swig of his drink.

 

His red-haired friend drove him back to his single dorm (thank heavens he didn’t have a roommate to witness the monstrosity) and threw him ungracefully onto his bed, and Woojin doesn’t remember everything he had said but he does remember the words ‘I’m going to disown your annoying ass one day’.

 

Youngmin is a friend he met through Daehwi, a senior back when he was a sophomore. Woojin likes to refer to him as sort of a surrogate father, to both him and Daehwi. At first, he was skeptical when Daehwi told him he wanted to introduce him to one of his senior friends; for some reason the offer seemed to scream _you’re gonna make bad life decisions again,_ but then again, it was _Daehwi_ , and Woojin was sure that, despite the cynical personality that was deceptive against his innocent face, he would never willingly put himself in the vicinity of a problematic delinquent. If only he knew what kind of person Woojin used to be.

 

Sure enough, Youngmin turned out to be one of the nicest people Woojin had ever met. There was something incomprehensible about him—but he was tender, with a sense of honor. Well liked among his peers but not so much one to follow the crowd. Woojin took an immediate liking to him. Sometimes he wondered if people like him really existed, did he have that much going well for him that his optimistic nature was reasonable? Meeting him was when Woojin really understood the meaning of not judging a book by its cover. The more he spent time with him, the more he realized that Youngmin was prone to humility, regret even. Way too many times he watched the older beat himself up about his mistakes, never accepting good enough and only striving for great. It even made Woojin feel bad when he looked at himself and his disinclination to put any more effort than required. It’s not even that he didn’t do well in school, in fact he’d say he was one of the better students in his graduating year, it was just that he could never truly put his entire self into anything.

 

Not until he discovered his love for dancing. And Woojin came to realize just how big of an impact Youngmin and Daehwi had on his life and how he became the person he was. Up until then he never knew how it felt to be passionate about something. Sure, he had things he enjoyed, like gaming and basketball, but dancing opened up a whole new _world_ for him (he tries not to think about Daehwi singing Disney songs at the top of his lungs right against his ear). Expressing himself was never an easy feat—he wasn’t good with words, and it’s not like he was any kind of artistic either. But dance _was_ art, and he took control of the paintbrush awaiting its artist’s attention for his empty canvas. And just like that, Woojin finally felt like he’d become someone, the someone he was meant to be when he finally found it in him to _find_ himself.

 

It was both strange and relieving to finally discover this side to himself, maybe he wasn’t going to grow up to be as big of a mess as he thought he would.

 

Fast forward to the morning after though, where the biggest headache of his entire life hits him hard enough to wake him up, albeit not soon enough, because the second he looks at his clock and reads 10:48AM he all but tumbles out of his covers as gracefully as he was thrown into them the night before (meaning not at all) and only ended up intensifying the throbbing pain.

 

Okay, so maybe he’s a bit of a mess.

 

And maybe Daehwi _isn’t_ that great of a friend after all because a good friend would have set up an alarm for their drunk best friend knowing very well he had classes the next morning. As he sits up and crawls to the bathroom he makes a mental list of what he needs to do today:

  

  1. brush his teeth and make himself presentable
  2. google how to get rid of a hangover
  3. beat himself up over missing his 9:30 class
  4. get his ass across campus for his 11:15 class
  5. find daehwi and murder him
  6. maybe find taehyun too but only murder him with his eyes because he’s still 3 years older than him and a little scary



 

About twenty minutes and six glasses of water later (it wasn’t enough to get rid of the hangover but it _was_ enough to ensure he wasn’t the ridiculous kind of dizzy), Woojin is racing across campus is his all black attire and backpack that’s a little too heavy for a run that’s supposed to get him to class _yesterday_. Maybe it’s the tolerance he’s built up from dance that allows him to run without falling flat on his face, at least that’s what he thinks until he reaches the door to his classroom and at the last second, trips over his untied shoelaces, sending him falling through the doorway and into the lecture room where—oh, all of his classmates seem to be seated already.

 

 _Nice, Woojin. That was quite possibly the_ best _impression you could make on your first day of college._

 

He scrambles onto his feet and tries to drown out the giggles he can hear around the entire room, choosing to sit at the seat right next to the door so he could make a run for it the second class was finished. His professor walks in a beat after he sits down and he’s just grateful she wasn’t there to witness that entire thing.

 

First days usually put focus on the syllabus, most people didn’t find it important to go to class when that’s assumedly the only thing planned for the class, but Woojin liked knowing what he was supposed to be doing ahead of time. He takes his planner out immediately and jots down the expected due dates for all of his papers and assignments, making note of the bonus marks given for signing up for a few studies conducted by older students.

 

His professor goes over a few slides of notes, and then class is dismissed early. Woojin prides himself on being smart enough to schedule only one class on Mondays. Falling into another one isn’t exactly his plan and he only hopes that the people who saw him in psychology today didn’t run off to tell their friends about the loser who tripped and fell into class this morning.

 

Woojin knows that Daehwi has one morning class on Mondays, so he knows that Daehwi must be free right now. And it’s most likely that he’s in the main building, roaming the food court in search of his beloved sushi. It doesn’t take long to find him in line at the sushi place, and when he does, he puts on the most annoyed face he can make and trudges up to the smiling boy.

 

“Oh, Woojin!” The boy notices him, waving him over without giving much thought to the murderous glare he’s on the receiving end of, “Come eat lunch with me!”

 

“How dare you.”

 

Daehwi frowns, “How dare I what?”

 

Woojin flails his arms angrily in reference to his current state, which he realizes is worse than he thought because he looks down and sees one grey sock and one black sock peeking out through his shoes. “Everything!”

 

Daehwi puffs out his cheeks and lowers his eyes, “You’re not being very specific..”

 

“None of this would have happened if you didn’t drag me to that stupid party last night! Then you think it’s okay for you to _not_ set an alarm for me, knowing I’d probably never wake up without one? You’re lucky I had a headache bad enough to wake me up this morning or you’d be even _more_ dead to me.”

 

“Whoa!” Daehwi furrows his eyebrows and raises his hands up defensively, “First of all, you can’t lie to me I know you had fun. And second, I did set an alarm for you, about seven actually. Did you sleep through all of them?”

 

Woojin relaxes his clenched jaw for a moment and fishes his phone from his pocket, going into his clock app to find that, indeed, Daehwi had set up seven different alarms for him, all labelled ‘wake up you ugly drunken mess!!!’

 

The dancer looks up at Daehwi, who crosses his arms and huffs, looking away with a pout. Woojin moves to sling an arm around the upset boy, lightly shaking him and giving him a smile. “Okay, I’m sorry for doubting you.”

 

The blonde continues to ignore him and Woojin shakes him even more, “I’ll make it up to you by paying for your lunch today~”

 

Daehwi raises a brow slightly, suspicious, “Really?”

 

“Nope, but you can pay for mine!” Woojin says and leans over to the counter, grabbing a dynamite roll and placing it on top of Daehwi’s chicken teriyaki roll before walking away.

 

He can hear Daehwi yell out behind him, “I hate you, Park Woojin!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The frown on his face may soon become permanently etched to him, Woojin thinks, as he exits the bookstore after purchasing the last of his textbooks needed for this semester alone. Textbook prices were absolutely ridiculous, and Woojin can admit to having second thoughts about buying them out of baseless confidence in himself to at least get a C without them, but then he realizes that wouldn’t sit too well with his parents. Anything less than a B was sure to inflame an hour long lecture that he’d probably zone himself out of after a good three minutes.

 

Woojin tosses the bag of books (or more accurately, heaves them up with a loud grunt because good lord, those things were heavy) onto his armchair and falls face first onto his bed. At some point in his half-nap he gets to thinking that maybe there’s a first day curse following him everywhere he goes. Maybe this is his punishment for the way he acted back in eighth grade, doomed to an eternity of embarrassing first days. It made sense now that he thinks about it. The first day of his freshman year in high school, he tripped up the stairs where possibly everyone in the school happened to be using at that moment, and the year after that, his foot had managed to get entangled in a bunch of cords and he was sent flying to the ground along with a cart of books, all in the quiet of a library. And it’s all the more reason he hates himself for drinking last night, he knew something like this was going to happen—it always did.

 

The vibration of his phone ends his recollection of embarrassing memories and Woojin rolls over with groan, grabbing his phone while punching at the sudden cramp in his left leg.

 

 **_(3:47) youngmin_ ** _: yo yo what up son_

**_(3:48) woojin_ ** **_:_ ** _don’t do that_

**_(3:48) youngmin_ ** _: where are u?_

**_(3:48) woojin_ ** _: in my room, why?_

**_(3:49) youngmin_ ** _: im coming to pick u up in like 15 mins_

**_(3:49) youngmin_ ** _: be ready!!_

**_(3:49) woojin_ ** _: are you gonna tell me where we’re going_

**_(3:50) youngmin_ ** _: daehwi and donghyun want to spend our last day of freedom together_

**_(3:51) youngmin_ ** _: u don’t exactly have a say in this so u better be waiting at the door when i get there_

**_(3:52) woojin_ ** _: ughhhhhhhh h h h_

**_(3:52) woojin_ ** _: fine_

**_(3:53) youngmin_ ** _: good boy_

**_(3:54) woojin_ ** _: bINCH_

**_(3:54) woojin_ ** _: that sounds weird,,, and kinky_

**_(3:54) woojin_ ** _: don’t_

**_(3:55) youngmin_ ** _: wym kinky im like ur dad wtf i can’t believe u_

**_(3:55) youngmin_ ** _: get ur head out of the gutter and get dressed_

**_(3:55) woojin_ ** _: i am dressed :/_

**_(3:56) youngmin_ ** _: then be quiet_

**_(3:56) woojin_ ** _: aren’t u supposed to be driving :////_

**_(3:57) youngmin_ ** _: sTOP DISTRACTING ME_

  
  
**_(3:57) youngmin_ ** _: i’m leaving now_

 

 

There isn’t really much you can do at a mall when your budget’s first priority is supposed to be keeping you fed for the school year, but Woojin figures today is more about the company than it is the activity. The group of four walk around the mall leisurely, mostly following Daehwi around to the stores he usually found his clothes in—Donghyun liked to spoil him.

 

If Youngmin was their surrogate father, then by default, Donghyun was their mother—and he acted like it too. Youngmin and Donghyun had finally gotten together after Donghyun entered college. It was a relief to both Woojin and Daehwi, having had to watch Youngmin pine over the boy for years before he finally gathered the courage to ask him out. Woojin thinks that Daehwi takes after Youngmin in terms of hesitancy and stubbornness (the latter Woojin may also be too—he’s just too stubborn to admit it.)

 

The one store that Daehwi seems to be avoiding today is some clothing store called Zara, right next to the game store that Woojin dragged them into. And for one main reason, being that of a certain Bae Jinyoung.

 

Woojin learned of Daehwi’s (not so) little crush on the seemingly brooding boy back in junior year. He didn’t have to ask him; he didn't even have to force it out of him. One look at the googly eyes the blonde made in the few seconds Jinyoung crossed their path and Woojin was sure he had solid blackmail material, though Donghyun would never let him use it against the boy.

 

The group walks into the store (after much resistance from Daehwi, who was already red in the face just from looking at the outside of the store) and Daehwi immediately spots Jinyoung folding clothes nearby. Woojin snickers as Daehwi runs to hide behind a rack of clothes, finding a sudden interest in floral dresses.

 

“Why don’t you go say hi to him?” Youngmin questions from Daehwi’s side, startling him and almost causing him to knock over the entire rack.

 

“Are you _mad_? Why would I do that?!”

 

“It’s just a hi,” Woojin pipes up, “One word, I’m pretty sure even you couldn’t mess that up.”

 

The blonde all but glares at his friends, despite their good intentions, and walks further into the store towards the jackets and away from Jinyoung. “You’d be surprised..”

 

One of them manages to buy something (Youngmin adds on to his growing collection of plaid shirts amidst Donghyun’s protests) and Daehwi is relieved that they can finally leave the store, that is until Woojin moves surreptitiously behind the younger boy and nudges him into Jinyoung. The blonde manages to catch himself before the force can send both of them falling to the floor and Woojin curses the fact that he didn’t push him hard enough.

 

“O-oh my god! I-I’m so sorry!” Daehwi covers his mouth with the ends of his sleeves and stares wide-eyed at the boy in front of him.

 

“Oh no don’t worry about it, I’m fine.” Jinyoung says with a small smile that Woojin thinks probably short circuits Daehwi’s brain because his mouth moves to speak but words don’t come out. “Um, Daehwi, right?”

 

“Y-yeah.” He manages to squeak out, eyes now burning holes into the ground.

 

“We went to the same high school, I’m Jinyoung.” The blonde simply nods, probably for fear of how frequently he could manage to stutter through sentences even less than three words. “Well, I’ll see you around I guess?”

 

“Mhm, see you!” The blonde spins on his heel and grabs onto Donghyun’s arm, scurrying them out of the store and letting out a long exhale when they’re far enough away that Jinyoung can’t see how red he is.  

 

“I- didn’t know you could stutter so many times through that many words.” Donghyun pats Daehwi’s back comfortingly, quietly snapping at the other two laughing on the side.

 

They spend more time on it over dinner at a burger joint, much to Daehwi’s agitation. Donghyun throws a number of questions at him; Was that the first time he talked to him? How does he know his name? They pester him until he finally answers their questions.

 

“Yes, that was technically the first time we’ve talked..” Daehwi pouts, “He said like four words to me at _most_ during high school, and those words were probably ‘excuse me’ and ‘hey Daehwi’.”

 

Woojin snorts, “You remember the exact four words he’s said to you throughout high school?”

 

“No!” The blonde exclaims, stabbing at his cheese fries, “Well, maybe..”

 

“What else do you remember?” Donghyun asks between bites, “Did anything else happen that didn’t require words?”

 

Daehwi puffs his cheeks out and rests his chin in his hands, eyes looking up to the ceiling to recall something, “Oh! So one time, me and Woojin had to pick up something from the Art class and that class happened to be the class Jinyoung was in and like what the _heck_ is my luck? Anyways, I couldn’t look at him but he was at the teacher’s desk right beside me and I sort of felt his eyes on me but I didn’t wanna be delusional so I ignored it.” He stuffs a fry into his mouth before continuing, “So then, I tried to focus on asking Mr. Kim for the hot glue gun, right? But my face was so red I don’t even think I was breathing? And I was just praying for him to hurry up so I could get out of there but then Jinyoung goes “hey Daehwi” and I had to turn and wave like I wasn’t an actual fricking tomato because of him and uGH-“

 

The blonde buries his face in his hands, his present state much like the one he was describing in his story.

 

“Are you gonna continue?” Youngmin asks, amused.

 

Daehwi squeals into his hands before snapping his head up and opening his mouth to speak again, “So he says hey right? And I just give him a small wave before basically running out of the classroom and leaving Woojin to pick up the glue gun from Mr. Kim because I thought I was gonna pass out if I stayed there any longer. And then! Woojin has the audacity to make fun of even more by telling me how he was observing Jinyoung and that he was _definitely_ staring at me and he stuttered when he said hi. Like, _excuse_ me? There is no lying in this friendship!”

 

“I wasn’t lying!” Woojin retaliates, and it's the truth. He had definitely seen the way Jinyoung looked at Daehwi that time they visited his class, but it’s his choice whether or not to believe him, and Daehwi didn’t trust him with anything he said about Jinyoung’s possible mutual attraction to him. Daehwi glares at him distrustfully.

 

“You know, I think you might be giving off the wrong impression. You barely waste more than five words on him, he probably thinks you hate him or something.” Daehwi gasps when Youngmin finishes, head falling back into his hands and fake-sobbing.

 

Donghyun sighs and hugs the younger, “Hey, you know what would make you feel better? Karaoke!”

 

“Ooh, let’s go! It’s been a while since we’ve gone to one.” Youngmin pipes up, trying to lighten the mood that he brought down in the first place.

 

So that’s how the group find themselves cramped together on a couch in a karaoke room, watching as the previously sullen Daehwi sings cheerily to Twice songs, dance and all. Daehwi drags Woojin out to dance with him and the two older boys watch on as the younger ones continue to dance around enthusiastically, laughing especially when Woojin turns on ‘Only One’ and channels his inner BoA.

 

Later into their session, Donghyun chooses a ballad, and the rest of the group sway along to his soothing voice. It takes Youngmin back to when he was pining over Donghyun and wondering if he could ever have it in him to confess.

 

_Youngmin spent most of his free time in his first year in college busying himself erasing and re-writing lyrics, humming along and trying to fit them into each chord he played on his second-hand guitar that he wasn’t too familiar with yet. The instrument was relatively new to him, but music, on the other hand, was not. Youngmin always had a love for rapping; music had surrounded him all of his life, and it was everywhere he went; it wasn’t that hard to fall in love with it. His father had been part of a band when he was younger, sometimes he thinks it was in his blood to become a musician. The first time he ever saw his cousin perform on stage, he knew then that this was what he wanted to do. There was no better feeling than when he performed for his family for the first time and was praised for his talent._

_No matter how much he worked on his songs, he could never be fully satisfied with any of them. Even he knew at times he was being too hard on himself, but his parents believe in him; they allowed him to pursue it simply because he loved it, and he knew that with their blessing he could never afford to disappoint them. He was able to ease up on himself for a few months after he was accepted into the music program at his college, but that soon became even more of a reason to push himself harder. Good was never good enough for Youngmin, he strived for great, amazing, genius._

_But never simply good._

_When he was younger, the red head had found it challenging to bring himself to talk to people, but performing was different. Whenever he performed for others, his fears would completely dissipate. Maybe that's what sparked his decision to pursue music even further; It allowed him to be on stage and rid himself of his fear of people for even a few minutes to show them that he was doing something he loved, and that he was kind of good at it. And eventually the way he felt on stage translated to how he held himself off of it, confident and influential. Really, it was music that had shaped him into the person he was today._

_But he wasn’t always confident on stage. As he grew up, the stages started to become bigger, people were more talented, and audiences were more judgemental. As his experience broadened, so did peoples’ expectations of him. They piled on until he was neck deep in worry. What if he was losing his touch? Was he getting too predictable? Were his lyrics not clever enough?_

_He was soon drowning in uneasiness, desperately looking for something new he could add to his performances. That’s why he found himself purchasing a second-hand guitar, with only little experience in playing one. He wasn’t going to give up though, that was never an option for him. So he stuck with it and decided that his performance at the talent night at a nearby café for one of his classes was going to be something completely new, an acoustic one._

_Youngmin wasn’t the best singer, that was a well-known fact, but he did well enough to carry a tune without falling flat or rising sharp too much. This was his first song that required more than a verse of singing, which made him extra nervous because not only did he plan to (badly) play the guitar for his song, he also had to sing for people. Every nearing day of the performance had Youngmin feeling sick to the stomach and ready to bail. But it’s not like he could even if he wanted to, this was an assignment for marks, and it was college._

_So yeah, bailing definitely wasn't an option._

_The day before the performance had him feeling even worse, if that were possible. He had woken up from a dream that was all too vivid and realistic that it might have actually ended up happening. He pictured himself onstage on talent night, dozens of eyes settled on him and waiting for him to start his song. He strummed his guitar and when he opened his mouth to sing, his voice wouldn’t come out._

_Youngmin never had to deal with stage fright before, so what was it about this performance that made it so terrifying?_

_The red-haired boy made a trip to his old high school for the day, in hopes of talking to his music teacher for advice and criticism. She had told him that the song was good, but Youngmin knew she was probably just being nice. He didn’t really need nice, he needed the truth._

_Sighing, he continued to work on his strumming for the duration of the two periods that he was given to work in the empty choir room. What he didn’t expect, was for his long time crush, Kim Donghyun, to barge into the room unannounced. Youngmin had jumped in surprise, almost dropping his guitar. Donghyun instinctively moved to catch it, awkwardly pulling back when Youngmin managed to do it himself._

_“Sorry, I was told by Ms. Jung that someone in here looked like he was struggling a bit with his guitar playing and um-“ Donghyun raises his hand with a smile, “I’m sort of a guitar player.”_

_Oh._

_“So what is it you’re having a problem with?” The brunette moved closer, sitting in a seat next to him and Youngmin didn’t think he’d ever been this close to his crush._

_“Actually, my problem is mostly not being able to strum and sing at the same time? Like I’m not very good at multitasking so the rhythm is kind of off. It gets slow at times and then it speeds up..” Youngmin trailed off, hoping Donghyun would catch on to what he was trying to say before he had the chance to go off on a tangent out of anxiousness._

_Donghyun nodded thoughtfully, “Um, would you like to play it for me first? Without the lyrics just so I can get a feel for the song.”_

_Youngmin adjusted himself and with shaky hands, started to play his song. He was thankful that Donghyun had asked him to do it without singing because he didn’t think he’d be able to get through it without a voice crack or two. He stopped after the first chorus, and Donghyun reached his hands out._

_“Okay, I’m gonna try to play it first so you can fit your lyrics to the song and get a feel for the rhythm and tempo you’re trying to go for.”_

_“Oh, do you need-“_

_“It’s fine. It’s not too dynamic or difficult chord-wise so I managed to get down the basic pattern easily.” Donghyun said, adding further when he saw the look on Youngmin’s face, “Not that it wasn’t good or anything! It’s really nice, especially for a beginner.”_

_Youngmin nodded but all he could really think about at the moment was the fact that he had to sing in front of Donghyun. He had to sing the song he wrote arguably with Donghyun in mind, for Donghyun. At that very moment. For real._

_He didn’t even have time to take the amount of deep breaths he needed because Donghyun had already started to play. He entered the song a beat late and tripped over the first word but Donghyun gave him an encouraging smile that was somehow able to give him strength rather than throw him off. With closed eyes and a steady growing voice, he started to find his confidence again. They smiled at each other as the last chord of the chorus rung throughout the room, dissolving into the air, and maybe taking their unfamiliarity with it._

_“The song is really good so far.” Donghyun reassured him with his seemingly everlasting angelic smile, that was sure to echo in his mind for the days, maybe months to come._

_Donghyun continued to help him with his guitar skills, and Youngmin went crazy whenever Donghyun’s fingers guided his whenever he was holding a chord wrong. They were so distracted that they didn’t even realize the flood of students coming into the room for their next period class._

_“So, maybe I’ll come watch you tomorrow?” Donghyun started softly, “You know, to make sure my tutoring was worth it.”_

_Youngmin smiled, looking at the ground in case the ends of his lips curled too much that he might have been considered creepy, “Yeah, it’d be nice to have a fan in the audience.”_

_Talent night had come soon enough and as much as Youngmin wanted to think he was ready for it, the second he walked into the café he knew he wasn’t. His hands felt clammy against his bouncing legs, heart in his mouth as he was called onto the stage. He made his way to the front with heavy steps, breathing become uneven as he neared closer to the stage. Right at the front, he saw Donghyun sitting at a table, cheering him on. Youngmin figured Donghyun must have seen the sheer terror in his eyes because he stood up and put a hand to his shoulder, giving him words of encouragement and two thumbs up. Youngmin didn’t smile back, he couldn’t. All he could think about was messing up in front of his professor and classmates, and even worse, Donghyun._

_“You’ll do fine!”_

_Youngmin shook his head, “I really don’t think I can do this. I’m gonna mess up, I’m gonna mess up the strumming and then it’s going to mess up the song and-“_

_“Hey,” Donghyun squeezed his shoulder, “Would it make you feel better if I played the guitar for you?”_

_Youngmin finally made eye contact with the boy, “You’d do that?”_

_Donghyun shrugged, “Of course, If you’re really not confident in doing it yourself. I did help you yesterday so I remember the chords and the song pretty well. Are you up for it?”_

_The older nodded slowly, still hesitant about having to make Donghyun do this for him but this was, after all, for a class he needed to do well in._

_Donghyun pulled up a stool next to Youngmin, settling down and letting Youngmin take the amount of deep breaths he needed this time (it was seven to be exact). Donghyun waited for his cue, but the older didn’t seem to have been calmed down by his usual seven deep breaths. His eyes were still closed and he couldn’t bring himself to open them. Youngmin was sure that was going to be the start of his downfall, and he’d soon have to switch his majors after failing miserably at the one thing he was supposed to be good at._

_But then he heard Donghyun start to play; he opened his eyes in a panic—he hadn’t given the signal and he still wasn’t ready for anything. But once Donghyun reached the part where Youngmin was supposed to come in, Donghyun’s voice came out instead._

_It took him a while to realize, but after the dizziness started to leave him, his ears were fully focused on Donghyun’s voice, and he had never been more surprised. He hadn’t known what to expect when Donghyun started playing without his cue, but he never expected that. The brunette was actually singing his song. His song. He knew every single word of the first verse, and every line was sung perfectly. But the fact that he knew the lyrics wasn’t even half as fascinating as the voice singing them. He was absolutely breathtaking. He watched as the younger sang with emotion etched across his face, as if he was telling his life story. But he wasn’t, he was telling Youngmin’s story, and he was telling it better than Youngmin ever could have._

_By the time he reached the pre-chorus, Youngmin gained enough courage to jump in, and Donghyun saw that with a nod of understanding, as he moved effortlessly into his falsetto to continue to harmonize with the older. Together they told the story, eyes never leaving each other. And Youngmin finally felt like himself when he reached the rap section, smoothly flowing through the verse. They ended the song together, though they don’t bother paying attention to the audience’s loudest applause of the night, all he could do was look at Donghyun with the most thankful look he could give because words had failed him again._

_The two walked off stage as the last performers of the night and Donghyun turned to him with a smile. “You did great up there, well, we did, I guess.” His hand came up to the back of his neck and he grinned shyly._

_“Thank you.” Is all Youngmin could bring himself to say at the moment, a silence falling over them after Donghyun nodded._

_“Well, I should probably get going now. I’ll see you around, maybe.” Donghyun turned to leave but Youngmin blurted out the only thing he mind could come up with._

_“Date!” The younger turned back with a raised eyebrow, something akin to amusement in his eyes but Youngmin could only think about how embarrassing he was._

_“Um, that didn’t come out in a sentence like it was supposed to..” Donghyun laughed at that and Youngmin wondered if that was going to be the end of his yearlong crush. The younger stepped towards him with a small smile._

_“I’ll give you a chance to try that again.” Youngmin swallowed, heart loud in his ears._

_“Would you.. like to go on a date with me sometime?”_

 

And that’s how Youngmin was able to own up to his feelings for the cute, guitar-playing, angelic smiling boy that was Kim Donghyun.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 _treat me like a game  
_ _and I’ll show you how it’s played_

 

 

A lot of things come to mind when you ask someone about Park Jihoon. They’ll tell you he’s hot, or that he was one of the most well-known people at his high school. But the one most common thing you’ll hear from anyone, is that he’s a good hookup.

 

No one would have ever thought that Jihoon would grow up to be the way he was. His eyes, once so vibrant they filled the world with warmth, were now dim and tired, worn from years of bad decisions that he would never admit were tearing him apart, even if he could feel every little piece of him falling to the ground, slowly and wistfully.

 

If it’s seen in his eyes, he’d never let it shown on his face. His teeth-baring smile feels inviting, maybe that’s why it’s so easy to fall for him. Apple cheeks and bee-stung lips, the things he could make people do for him is amusing. Maybe some could call him too easy in a particular sense, but he’d just say that everyone else was too. Life had become a game to him, after he had turned the tables around and stopped being the one played.

 

He knows he’s hated more than he’s loved, and sometimes it makes him feel all the more powerful. Is it wrong to relish in the envy, the spite, the _jealousy_?

 

At one point he had stopped feeling vengeful for the things he had been put through; life had become so numb. And maybe’s that’s why he tries so hard to search for fun. And where else could he find that but right beside him in Kim Donghan, the owner who most (but not all) of Jihoon’s secrets are privy to. No one had ever truly stuck next to him like Donghan did, and no one had ever been so accepting. Jihoon thinks that kind of respect is hard to come by, but it’s also meant to be earned. It’s somewhat perplexing, that kid’s loyalty. Though not even he could uncover the pain etched deep into the surface.

 

Things like happiness and hopefulness are still so foreign to him. It had always been an emptiness that he could never quite fill. That’s a part of him that he’d never show to people, not these ones, not now, and maybe not ever. This is an entirely different chapter of his life, one his past could never infringe upon.

 

At least that’s what he tells himself, until he’s huddled in his blankets at night and one tear breaks free, followed by an unbroken stream.

 

“Park Jihoon!” A voice yells from across the quad, the owner racing towards Jihoon, “How was the party last night?”

 

“I left early with someone on my arm, someone with  _really_ nice arms if I do say so myself.” Jihoon winks haughtily and continues walking when Donghan catches up by his side.

 

“Where’d you end up going?”

 

“Back to his dorm,” the brunette says casually, “Thank God it was on the second floor, you know how impatient I am.”

 

Donghan snorts, “Yeah, the last time someone took you home you were in an elevator up until the tenth floor and practically seething.”

 

“Okay so I’m a little hot-tempered-“

 

“Yeah,” the raven-haired boy scoffs next to him, “a _little_.” He darts out of the way when a hand tries to pinch his arm. Jihoon rolls his eyes but doesn’t waste any more effort in fighting him. “So has arm candy tried to call you after last night yet?”

 

“Twice this morning, and one just before you showed up.”

 

“Infatuated and horny or genuine?”

 

Jihoon merely shrugs, “Who knows? Probably both.”

 

“Okay but I doubt he could be genuine after only a night with you.”

 

“Oh, Donghan,” The brunette places a hand on the other’s shoulder, “It’s okay. You can admit you’re jealous of what a catch I am.”

 

Donghan looks past him and smirks, “Is that lover boy at one o’clock coming up from behind us?”

 

Jihoon tosses a glance behind him and snaps his head back quickly, ushering Donghan forward and quickening his steps, “Walk away, walk away!”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Two days of college and Woojin is ready to set himself on fire. Who has _this_ much homework after two days? Did professors really have that much faith in students’ abilities? Because he knows he wouldn’t.

 

He rushes to the bathroom after his first period on Tuesday to splash his face with water, hoping it will wake him up in time for his next class. Falling asleep in anatomy probably wasn’t the best idea, considering he now had no choice but to make friends in that class just so he could re-write the notes that he missed.

 

Looking at his reflection, he notices writing on the mirror:

****

**_src: winkly, message for a good time ;)_ **

****

The abbreviation is familiar, and he remembers earlier in the week when Daehwi had introduced the app to him.

 

“SoraChat?”

 

“Yeah, it’s like an anonymous texting app. You should try it! Make some online friends to discuss that show you always talk to me about.” Woojin leaned in as Daehwi showed him the app from his phone.

 

“So it requires your number?”

 

“Nope,” Daehwi fingers were back to tapping on his phone, “You just sign up with your e-mail and then they give you categories in which you can find people who share the same interests as you.”

 

“And what do _you_ use it for?”

 

“I made friends who are Twice fans too, since you don’t seem to appreciate it whenever I gush about them.” Daehwi pouted, glaring daggers into him before resuming his typing. “I can make you one right now.”

 

“Knock yourself out.” Woojin says offhandedly, tossing his phone over to the blonde.

 

Since then he did manage to find one person to talk to, but they didn’t reply to his message after the second day. He isn’t that great at talking to strangers.

 

Woojin looks at the message on the mirror again, frowning when he thinks that it might have been an joke and this person probably didn’t know it was even on there. He takes out his own sharpie and scribbles it out, but not before noting the ID down so he could notify the person about it.

 

 

 **_chamsaes_ ** _: hey, just letting you know that your id was written on a bathroom mirror at school and I scribbled it out for you ^^_

 

 

He slips his phone back into his pocket and leaves for his next class.

 

 

 

Math was never his cup of tea, but Woojin could admit he isn’t _completely_ terrible at it. So when Daehwi barges his way into his room asking for help on his statistics homework, he’s easily able to provide the information he needs. 

 

He’s too absorbed in figuring out the meaning of one question that he doesn’t hear the chime from his phone.

 

“Who’s that?” Daehwi questions, and Woojin finally notices and reaches for his phone.

 

 

 **_winkly:_ ** _oh, thanks! although u might have prevented me from meeting some cute people ;)_

****

 

Woojin stares down at his screen, almost forgetting why he had messaged the person in the first place. Daehwi notices his confusion and moves beside him to check his screen.

 

“Who’s _winkly_?” Daehwi hits him in the arm, “You made a new friend at school and didn’t tell me?”

 

Woojin winces, rubbing at the spot the younger had hit, “No, I don’t know them. I just saw their src on the mirror and thought someone had put it there as a joke so I scribbled it out.”

 

“Huh,” Daehwi muses as he scoots back over to his side of the bed. “That was uncharacteristically nice of you.”

 

Woojin narrows his eyes at the blonde, “Uncharacteristically?”

 

“We’re not gonna sit here and act like you’re a saint, Woojin.”

 

“Yeah but I’m not _that_ bad of a person!”

 

“Uh huh.” Daehwi buries his head back into his notes and Woojin scowls at him before turning back to his phone screen.

 

 **_chamsaes_ ** _: oops, sorry, I didn’t know if you were okay with it or not so???_

**_winkly_ ** _: nah it’s fine, but I’d be okay if you kept talking to me :)_

Woojin almost chokes on air, eyes darting awkwardly when Daehwi looks up at him with a raised brow. “You good?”

 

“Yep,” He says quickly, “Go do your work!”

 

“ _Alright!_ ” Daehwi scrunches his nose at the sudden snappy tone but looks back down at his textbook.

 

 

 **_chamsaes_ ** _: I’m not exactly the most interesting person to talk to,, um_

**_winkly_ ** _: I’m sure ur great_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: well that's up to you to decide I guess_

**_winkly_ ** _: does that mean you’ll keep this convo going?_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: maybe?? I’ll try_

**_winkly_ ** _: good ;) so what year are u?_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: first year, you?_

**_winkly_ ** _: ooh same here, maybe ur in one of my classes_

**_winkly_ ** _: I’m not telling u who I am just yet tho_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: well that's a little sketchy_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: what if you’re just trying to catfish as a student_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: am I gonna end up knocked out in the back of ur car_

**_winkly_ ** _: well im not a kidnapper_

**_winkly_ ** _: but if u were in the back of my car we might end up doing smth muuuch more interesting_

The red rushes to Woojin’s face, his face feels hot to the touch. Why is this person so shamelessly flirty? He could be flirting with an old man for all they know.

 

 

 **_chamsaes_ ** _: i-- what_

 

_**chamsaes** : is that supposed to mean_

**_winkly_ ** _: aw ur not used innuendos, that's cute_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: I’ll have you know I understood that very well_

**_winkly_ ** _: then why’d u ask?_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: …._

**_chamsaes_ ** _: listen,,_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: I just wasn’t expecting that ok_

 

 **_winkly_ ** _: I’ll tone it down if ur weirded out_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: nah talk however you want_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: wait no_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: maybe censor yourself if its gets too uh_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: rated_

**_winkly_ ** _: okay!! ur so innocent :))_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: I am Not_

**_winkly_ ** _: I have somewhere to be but let’s talk later okay?_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: sure_

“Woojin!” A voice lifts his eyes from his phone and a pouty Daehwi is waving his hands in front of his face. “Are you even listening to me?”

 

“Sorry, what?” Daehwi groans and explains his problem again. Woojin’s mind is half focused on Daehwi and half focused on the mysterious but intriguing person on the other side of that chat. They’re someone at this school, possibly even in one of his classes. It leaves him with an aching curiosity to know more.

 

 

 

 

Saturday night is thankfully calm and uneventful, since Woojin had managed to finish all of his readings and assignments the night before and the morning of. Daehwi had more piled on him, and since he’s more of a slow worker (and likely to get distracted from his numerous group chats on sorachat), he’s been stuck in his room the entire day, even spending half an hour whining to Woojin over the phone about how hard it was being a science student— _that_ Woojin could agree to.

 

He also had his own distraction going on, and though he didn’t let it distract him completely from his work, it did help him relieve some stress. Later into the previous night while he was doing his history readings, the stranger had messaged him again. He was half relieved, due to his ever growing hate for the dry subject (he had to force himself through it for his humanities requirement). The stranger, or he thinks that he could now refer to him as a friend, had provided him with multiple spurts of laughter in between pages.

 

 

 **_winkly_ ** _: hi again mysterious person (:_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: hey, whats up?_

****

**_winkly_ ** _: well I was thinking that talking to u would probably be more interesting than doing my environmental studies homework so here I am procrastinating_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: oh environmental studies,, fun_

**_winkly_ ** _: I can literally hear the sarcasm_

**_winkly_ ** _: so what r u doing?_

**_chamsaes_ ** _:  just doing some history readings_

**_winkly_ ** _: ew_

**_winkly_ ** _: I guess I messaged u at the right time hey_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: I mean im not a procrastinator like you but I can afford to check your messages every few pages_

**_winkly_ ** _: wow im not ur first priority );_

**_winkly_ ** _: lol jk we just met (barely I still dk what u look like) that's weird_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: lol you wouldn’t want to see my face_

**_winkly_ ** _: why not??_

**_winkly_ ** _; I bet it's a cute face ;))_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: wow you really do wink a lot_

**_winkly_ ** _: is that going to be a problem mr. chamsae?_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: not really, I think, im just not used to it_

 

 **_winkly_ ** _: oh, well get used to it ;))))_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: I should have a trademark thing too then_

**_winkly_ ** _: ok well I gotta know more about u_

**_winkly_ ** _: we’re friends after all right?_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: yeah I guess_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: what do you wanna know?_

**_winkly_ ** _: what r ur hobbies?_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: um, I dance?_

**_winkly_ ** _: OMG_

**_winkly_ ** _: u just got more attractive—_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: but you don’t even know what I look like_

**_winkly_ ** _: ok well u as a person minus ur looks just got more attractive_

**_winkly_ ** _: p.s if u turn out to be ugly im gonna be super disappointed_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: oh man i should probably cancel this friendship right now_

**_winkly_ ** _: nO I was kidding don't leave )): <_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: fine I won’t leave_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: didn’t pin you as the clingy type_

**_winkly_ ** _: wHOA I AM NOT CLINGY_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: if you say so_

**_winkly_ ** _: ,, anyways maybe ur trademark thing could be like an action??_

**_winkly_ ** _: like *finger guns* or something_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: i’m--_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: not doing that_

**_winkly_ ** _: alright how about uhhh_

**_winkly_ ** _: *jazz hands*_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: …._

**_chamsaes_ ** _: you’re messing with me aren’t you_

**_winkly_ ** _: just a little_

**_winkly_ ** _: ok I give up im not very good at this u can just do without one_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: you barely even tried_

**_winkly_ ** _: wow smh how ungrateful_

**_winkly_ ** _: I gave u 2 suggestions but u just shot them down_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: alright alright im sorry *finger guns*_

**_winkly_ ** _: ok I take it back that's definitely weird_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: idk I think I might start to like it *jazz hands*_

**_winkly_ ** _: I regret_

**_winkly_ ** _: everything_

Woojin continued to talk with _winkly_ up until the present time, and he was starting to take a liking into his new internet friend. They were like a breath of fresh air—witty, sarcastic, _very_ flirty at times, but overall fun for him to talk to. Woojin starts to realize why Daehwi has so much fun making friends on here, it’s amazing how comfortable he already feels when he talks to _winkly_ —if their first meeting had been in real life he’s not sure _winkly_ would have liked him all that much. As charming as he tried to be on the internet, _none_ of that translated to real life. The most he could contribute to a conversation face to face would probably be long moments of awkward silence and a “so..” every now and then in hopes that the other person would do a much better job at deciding what to talk about.

 

It’s probably why he’s never had a date in his life. He likes to think that he’s okay with it, but whenever he sees Youngmin and Donghyun, he wonders if he could ever take care of someone the way Youngmin took care of Donghyun. He wonders if he could ever like someone the way Daehwi liked Jinyoung. Sometimes he worries that his dreadful first day curse would somehow manage to ruin things like first dates, and first kisses, and a whole bunch of other firsts.   

 

Shaking away the thoughts of dating, he makes his way down to a diner he frequented even back when he was in high school, after he’s hit with a sudden craving for one of their burgers. He had texted Youngmin, asking if he wanted to go for dinner with him, but the older had already planned a night out with Donghyun, and thus, he was left to eat alone.

 

The familiar bell chimes as he opens the door to the diner; one of the workers behind the counter, Seongwoo, waves to him upon seeing him enter. He’s been here enough times that the second Seongwoo sees him walk in, he calls out his usual order to the kitchen. Woojin smiles as a thanks and makes his way to one of the highchairs.

 

What he doesn’t expect to see, in this town, in _this_ restaurant, sitting in _that_ chair right in front of him, is a familiar, but now grown up (and way, _way_ more attractive than he remembers) brunette, who’s matching his look of utmost surprise.

 

 

 

 

 

Saturdays always meant parties, so when Jihoon ends up sitting alone that night at the highchairs in a diner nearby his school, he’s evidently drowning in boredom (and waiting to be drowning in the milkshake he ordered like half an hour ago.)

 

His bitterness only grows stronger when Donghan texts him saying he can’t meet up because of another friend’s emergency. Yeah well he was dangerously on the brink of poking his eyes out with a fork.

 

It’s not that Jihoon doesn’t have any friends besides Donghan, it’s more so the fact that he isn’t really up for spending any one-on-one time with anyone else in his contact list. He doesn’t think he could spend much time with someone else outside of school or parties without feeling awfully fake. As much as people think he’s an open book for being so well known for his sleeping around, no one besides Donghan knows enough about him to be considered an actual friend. Trusting too many people with his secrets seems like a recipe for disaster to Jihoon. And after all, he’s always enjoyed mystery.

 

He looks over the rest of the diner, which was always buzzing with excitement. Families out having dinner, and friends meeting up to get their minds off of school. It’s kind of nice for the few seconds he thinks about it, until he realizes he’s all alone and kicks at the bottom of the counter. But at least his milkshake is here now, along with a small ‘sorry for the wait’ note left by the boy behind the counter giving him a small grin.

 

The brunette mixes his drink as he zones out in deep thought, mind flooding with high school memories, back when school work wasn’t _this_ demanding, back when he felt like he had more than enough time to breathe. His memory recalling is cut short, however, by the boy who moves to sit a few chairs down from him.

 

Jihoon turns to his side, eyes widening as he takes in the sight of the tanned, raven-haired boy in front of him. He’s familiar, _way_ too familiar, though taller than he remembers but he could recognize his face anywhere.

 

“Jihoon..” The boy breathes shakily, seeming equally taken aback. Jihoon starts to feel dizzy, every memory he tried so hard to push back comes flooding into his mind. His calm demeanor slowly changes as his face contorts in anger, eyes flashing and nostrils flaring. He feels his fists instinctively clench up and his jaw tighten.

 

“Park Woojin.” He bites out, venom dripping from his voice. Before anything else can come out of Woojin’s mouth, Jihoon’s lips curl into a subtle, menacing smirk. “Normally when I see someone after a long time I’d say it’s nice to see you again, but I’d rather you fall into the pits of _hell_.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> un-beta'd sorry for the mistakes lmao

_2._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 _for there’s something so curious_  
_in the way you hold yourself_  
_all broken glass and stalling gears  
_ _a clock urging itself to persevere_

 

 

“Park Woojin.” He bites out, venom dripping from his voice. Before anything else can come out of Woojin’s mouth, Jihoon’s lips curl into a subtle, menacing smirk. “Normally when I see someone after a long time I’d say it’s nice to see you again, but I’d rather you fall into the pits of  _hell_.”

 

He sees Woojin’s initial surprise—it’s almost humorous, in a sardonic way—and then watches as his face hardens, mouth quirking in annoyance. Before he can even retaliate, Jihoon adds, “You come here to beg for food because your brain couldn’t get you a high school diploma?”

 

Woojin bites the inside of his cheek, closing his eyes to take a deep breath and Jihoon is quite evidently enjoying it. “Funny, don’t remember you having this much of a sharp tongue.”

 

“Upset that I’m not the pushover I used to be?” Jihoon raises the straw to his lips, eyes never leaving Woojin’s; no way is he going to back down from this. “It was easier for you that way, wasn’t it?”

 

The younger sighs heavily, fingers tapping on the counter, “You really know how to hold a grudge, don’t you..”

 

This sparks a fire in Jihoon’s eyes, teeth gritting and fists clenching, “If you think this is unwarranted then you are a _whole_ new level of absurd.”

 

By now, his breathing has become uneven and his face feels hot, he’s not really sure how to calm himself down. Woojin pinches the bridge of his nose and turns to Seongwoo, who’s watching them in confusion but trying not to look like he’s been eavesdropping the entire time.

 

“You know what, make it to go, I’ve suddenly lost my appetite.”

 

Seongwoo bags his order and Woojin slide money across the counter, throwing Jihoon one last look (that Jihoon can’t really decipher in the midst of his anger) before walking out of the diner.

 

It takes him six whole minutes to release the tension from his body, slumping in his seat as he feels all of his energy drain out. Why him? Why _now_? Jihoon did all he could to suppress the indelible memories that tried to claw their way out onto the surface, and Woojin showing up again only served to reopen old wounds.

 

The next few days has Jihoon attempting to take his mind off of Woojin and other things among his past. He becomes less stingy with his hookups, even going so far as to obliging to a spontaneous session in the staircase that a past hookup had pulled him into, in contrast to his usual self who has an issue with being in public. As much as he finds amusement in the fact that everyone was always talking about his activities, he's not particularly thrilled at the thought of eyewitnesses. Donghan tries to ask him if something is wrong, though Jihoon only sustains his usual smile and brushes him off. He knows that Donghan doesn’t believe him, but Jihoon is bent on neglecting the unrelenting pangs in his chest. He needs every distraction he can find, because the second he’s alone with his thoughts the more they gnaw at his heart and he’s not sure how much more damage it can take before it withers away. People don’t want broken; they don’t want to hold a heart laced in despair. No one wants to take on the burden of his fears, his _scars_. They want a daisy blooming in the spring, no one keeps a dying rose.

 

All he wants to do is severe these looming memories that seem to be aching for closure, the ones that refuse to accept his truth.

 

That he is already okay, he is.

 

He’s okay when cold hands roam his body, in _lust_ and not _love_. He’s okay when lips press against invisible scars, even if they don’t heal. Gripping, choking, slapping—physical pain doesn’t even compare to emotional torture, not when the latter works from the inside out, consuming him whole.

 

In the end, he knows that every touch means nothing, and every kiss is void of sentiment. But he thinks that it’s okay—all he has to do is pretend they are everything that they are not.

 

It’s deception at its finest but it’s all he thinks he deserves.

 

 

 

 

 

He drowns his pain away in tequila on a Friday night, not too sure when he started but at this point it doesn’t really matter. He just wants to feel numb again; feelings are a nuisance. He’s at some bar he doesn’t even remember the name of, basking in the stares he’s receiving from a group at the far booth.  

 

He’s not even sure why he started to feel this way; he was doing just fine up until now. He’s living without emotional attachment to others, he had made it so there’s no _way_ he could get hurt by anyone again. But for some reason he feels his heart spiraling into a deep abyss—no security and no warmth, only confusion. It’s something he doesn’t really understand. He made an effort to be evasive from intrusive ones, never moving past surface level topics. That’s not what the people who want him _wanted_. There’s no need to show vulnerability—no reason to divulge or disclose. He doesn’t expect acceptance or understanding anyways, and he doesn’t _need_ it. So the strings tugging at his heart right now is somewhat bewildering. Where is the torment stemming from? Has he gone so low as to pity himself?

 

At some point during the night, Donghan comes rushing into the bar. Jihoon waves weakly at him from his seat, some guy has his hand on his thigh and is breathing a little too close that Jihoon can taste the smoke on his breath, and he _hates_ smokers. He sees the discontent on his best friend’s face as he shoos the guy away from him, but he’s too caught up in trying to subdue his misery that he can’t bring himself to care for the redundant sympathy behind the irritation in Donghan’s eyes, or the fact that he was almost about to sleep with a guy with cigarette breath.

 

“Jihoon, why aren’t you picking up my calls? I had to find out you were here from Yongguk who saw you on someone’s story on snapchat, and mind you it’s a little creepy to be the subject of a zoom in on some stranger’s camera.” 

 

Jihoon simply shrugs, swirling his glass of tequila. People were always going to steal videos of him; they thought he was attractive, isn’t that the _good_ kind of attention? It’s certainly the only time people are paying attention to him.

 

“That’s enough drinking for today, I’m taking you home.”

 

Jihoon protests as Donghan drags him out of the bar, throwing weak punches at his chest but to no avail. Donghan drives them both back home, and drops Jihoon onto his own bed. Jihoon had been living with Donghan since the end of eighth grade, Donghan is like his own brother, which was pleasant for Jihoon since he had been an only child growing up. Donghan’s family were more of a family to him than his own, if he could even call his father his family. He hasn’t seen him in years, and he doesn’t think he ever wants to anymore.

 

“Why were you drinking again? Did something happen?”

 

Jihoon forces out a smile through his slightly drunken state, “Nope, I’m great. Everything is fine!”

 

“Jihoon,” Donghan sighs, and Jihoon knows that he isn’t buying it. He was never really good at hiding his emotions when he was drunk, that’s part of the reason he doesn’t do it often. “I know you’re lying. Will you just.. help me out a little? Why are you falling back into this? You haven’t had a drink in months, and don’t think I didn’t notice you’ve been going around with more people than usual this week. And really? A smoker? You _hate_ smokers.”

 

He stays silent for a while, gaze focused blankly on the wall as his smile slowly disappears from his face. “I saw him last week.”

 

“Who?”

 

“Woojin..” Jihoon sees the recognition in Donghan’s eyes, his best friend’s face noticeably hardening.

 

“Did he bother you? Do I need to hurt someone— “ Jihoon interrupts him with a chuckle, it’s forced and a little too loud to be deceptively genuine.

 

“If you could punch him in the face for me that would be great. Except I’m not sure you’re strong enough to do any actual damage.”

 

Donghan frowns at him, pride clearly marred. “Hey, I bet could hurt someone real bad if I was really angry. I’m not scared of the law.”

 

Jihoon’s face contorts into something that's half confused and half entertained. “You, my friend,” He sticks out a finger to push at Donghan’s forehead, “are an angel trying to disguise himself as a devil. There’s no way.”

 

And it’s true. As much as Donghan tries to come off as all hostile and the embodiment of all things purely evil, he had the biggest heart and a strong need to care for his friends, just without any true intent to resort to violence. After all, most people had their fears of the judicial system and pretty much most authorial figures, even if they tried to make people believe otherwise.

 

“What about Joonyoung? I gave that asshole a run for his money, it’s a surprise no one called the police on me.” The brunette snorts, recalling the boy he used to date in tenth grade. He was everything Jihoon had wanted and thought he didn’t deserve; He treated him like a prince, bringing him flowers every week, being unashamed of holding hands with him in public, and acting like a true gentleman. But everything in his life was always too good to be true, and after he found out Joonyoung had only dated him because he lost a bet and was dared to put up with him for half a year, Jihoon wasn't sure he’d ever want to be a believer of any of that true love bullshit that movies had constantly spouted at him. Relationships meant nothing to him, Love is only madness and disaster, and Jihoon has no time to be caught up in that kind of storm.

 

“You just yelled at him and threatened to hit him with a chair, I’d hardly call you a rebel of authority.”

 

Donghan clears his throat awkwardly, changing the subject quickly, “Nevermind, then. But are you okay?”

 

There was never an easy answer to that question, he likes to avoid it most of the time. Jihoon sighs hard, in both exhaustion and dejection. He falls onto his pillow and brings the covers up to his face. “As okay as a person like me will ever be.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Woojin is always three minutes late for his Asian Civilization class, being that there’s a ten-minute gap between this and his other class, which are practically on opposite sides of the campus. As usual, he slips in through the back door and takes a spot in the last row as his professor is already discussing the lecture slides. 

 

Class goes by excruciatingly slow. Woojin mentally kicks himself for giving into the few more minutes of sleep he forced in this morning—depriving him of a caffeine run that could have gotten him through the rest of his class _awake_ at the very least. He groans as he stares at the large coffee on his professor’s desk, that seemed to be flaunting itself in front of him. He almost nods off twice, not even the light emitting from his laptop is enough to keep him fully awake. At one point his finger had gotten stuck on the _h_ button in his half-asleep state and he laughs tiredly to himself as he thinks that ‘hhhhhhhh’ is a very accurate expression of his feelings at the moment.

 

The end of the period is nearing and Woojin does an internal fist pump, thinking she might dismiss the class early since she had exited the lecture slides. But instead, she brings up another tab—some sort of list that he can’t see that clearly from the back of the room.

 

“Now you might remember the survey you did a few days ago, asking you about the various topics taught in this course that you were most interested in. After receiving your results, I have paired you up into partners based on the topics you would prefer, and these will be your groups for the next assignment. You are to each write up a research paper, and then use both of your ideas to create a presentation that you will all have to present at the end of the month. I’ve laid out a pile of articles you may find useful up at the front desk here, so come up and find your name as well as meet and discuss with your partner, and you are free to leave after.”

 

Woojin throws his head back with a sigh. He had always preferred individual work over group assignments, reason being he hated having to pull the weight of the rest of the group when one person didn’t want to show up to meetings or hand in their half of the work. He didn’t like having to put his grades in the hands of strangers. He can only hope that college students would prove him wrong.

 

He slides his laptop back into his backpack and slings it over his shoulder, heading down to the front of the lecture room where the rest of the class were crowding around the front desk and sharing awkward greetings with their partners. Woojin starts at the left and scans the piles for his name, only seeing it when he gets past the middle. He doesn’t even bother to look at the other name as he grabs the pile of articles and surveys his topic.

 

“Hey, I think you took my— “ Woojin looks up and makes eye contact with the voice who seemed to have been talking to him, standing agape when they trail off with wide eyes, finger pointed at him.

 

Jihoon stands in a pink jumper, gawking at him. His expression quickly turns into that of pure discontent, a look that Woojin is all too used to. “Why are _you_ here?” Jihoon spits out indignantly, as if he never in a million years could picture Woojin actually doing something with his life besides being a failure, let alone be in his history class. He does a delayed double take when he realizes that this is _Jihoon_ , and he’s in his history class. And he’s his _partner_.

 

Realization must have dawned on Jihoon too, because he’s groaning, chewing on his bottom lip so hard that Woojin thinks he might start to bleed. “Of all _fucking_ people..“

 

At first, Woojin thought he could get through this assignment painlessly, just as long as whoever he was partnered up with did their work and showed up to meetings. But fate takes a whole new _sadistic_ form in his professor, or whatever generator she might have used that hated him enough to put him and Jihoon together. The sneer that graces his lips is automatic when he sees the older roll his eyes, “It’s not like I’m happy about this either.”

 

“That’s interesting, I thought you’d love the chance to be alone with me. Are you gonna make fun of me again? Shove me to the ground because you can’t accept who I am? Where are your followers now?”

 

Woojin feels a tightness in his chest, an annoying pounding in his head. He grabs Jihoon by the elbow (he doesn’t miss the fact that the older flinches at that, so Woojin keeps his grip soft) and pulls them out of the classroom and away from the stares of the group of girls behind them.  

 

“You planning on shoving me into a locker or—“

 

“Jihoon!” Said boy jerks his arm out of his hold, like Woojin had been a fire that burnt his skin. Woojin runs a hand through his hair, letting out a strong exhale, “I know, you hate me, okay? But this is college, and we need to do well so I suggest you tone it down with the angry fussing.”

 

Jihoon’s face hardens, crossing his arms and sticking his chin out, “Fine. But if you get out of line I’m ruining this project for the both of us.”

 

 He makes a disapproving noise at that, “That’s not a very smart thing to do, is it?”

 

“You _would_ know what bad decisions are, wouldn’t you?” Jihoon taunts, eyes filled to the brim with vexation, “You’ve made a lot of those.”

 

Woojin tries to suppress his rapidly growing impatience, refusing to rise to his bait, “Just— just give me your phone, will you?”

 

The older brings his phone to his chest protectively, frowning, “Why?”

 

“Well we’re gonna need some way of communicating.”

 

They exchange numbers grudgingly, and Woojin tries not to fidget under Jihoon’s piercing glare. The older walks away quickly and Woojin leans back onto the wall behind him, feeling exhausted from the interaction.

 

It’s not a stretch to say that Woojin is absolutely dreading Jihoon’s reappearance. And it’s not even out of hate for Jihoon, it’s out of hate for _himself_. Woojin had really thought he was getting better at accepting that his past was his past and moving on from it, turning his life around. He thought he had come a long way.

 

But he’ll never be able to forgive himself until Jihoon does.

 

Because for as long as Jihoon hates him, the city streets he walks that used to comfort him, will only be a painful reminder of his former self. The school that gave him hope will only exude resentment, repulsion, _loathing_. All because the boy from his past that he had destroyed, has come back to destroy him.

 

 

 

 

 

Today is one of the rare days that Woojin doesn’t have any work to drown in, so he uses his free time as a chance to catch up on his shows and make conversation with his internet friend. They had been messaging casually once in a while, and Woojin found the other quite amusing, despite some of his blunt implications of sex. Today, however, seemed to be void of any.

 

 

 

 **_chamsaes_ ** _: so hows school been treating ya_

**_winkly_ ** _: terribly ;; I have a paper due soon_

**_winkly_ ** _: I could be out right now ugH_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: lol sucks for you_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: im homework free for the day_

**_winkly_ ** _: luckyyy D: < _

**_winkly_ ** _: hey_

**_winkly_ ** _: how much do I have to pay u to write my paper??_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: I don't even take environmental studies_

**_winkly_ ** _: im sure u could figure it out with google…_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: nope sorry you’re on your own *jazz hands *_

**_winkly_ ** _: ok u need to stop with the jazz hands_

**_winkly_ ** _: u don’t even use it in the proper contexts_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: it’s your fault in the first place_

 

 **_winkly_ ** _: admittedly one of my weaker moments_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: ooh must be a long list_

**_winkly_ ** _: s HUT UP_

**_winkly_ ** _: anyways_

**_winkly_ ** _: when r u gonna give me hints abt who u are_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: never_

**_winkly_ ** _: w o w_

**_winkly_ ** _: and why is that???_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: lmao if you met me irl you’d probably cancel this friendship_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: I can’t last 2 seconds in social situations_

**_winkly_ ** _: hey im not that mean I wouldn't ditch u just cause u sucked at conversing_

**_winkly_ ** _: that's what im here for_

**_winkly_ ** _: to help u_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: well I hope u like mystery bc im gonna continue to be one_

**_winkly_ ** _: hmmm are you giving me permission to solve you? ;))_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: i—_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: I don't even know what you mean by that_

**_winkly_ ** _: im kidding smh it doesn't mean anything_

**_winkly_ ** _: anyways_

**_winkly_ ** _: ur very intriguing I like it_

**_winkly_ ** _: an insatiable curiosity has just roused inside of me_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: alright just extra_

**_winkly_ ** _: lmao_

**_winkly_ ** _: I just wanna know who u are D:_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: maybe one day, in the very,, very distant future_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: now go do your homework_

**_winkly_ ** _: alright moM_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: im not your mom smh_

**_winkly_ ** _: then don't tell me wHAT TO DO_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: go_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: do_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: your_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: work_

**_winkly_ ** _: yenno what_

**_winkly_ ** _: I don’t even have to meet u irl_

**_winkly_ ** _: im gonna cancel this friendship right now_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: fine with me winkloser_

**_winkly_ ** _: that_

**_winkly_ ** _: was a horrible comeback_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: you know what else is horrible_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: your future grades_

**_winkly_ ** _: touché_

 

 

 

If Woojin thinks he can spend the day peacefully and quietly in the confines of his _own room_ , he’s immediately proven wrong as his door bursts open (why didn’t he ever learn to lock it?) and Daehwi rushes in, followed by Youngmin and Donghyun. And Daehwi looks furious.

 

“Woojin, help! They’re trying to ruin my life!” He groans as he presses pause on his laptop and sets it aside, giving Daehwi an exasperated look signalling him to continue despite the protests they both know he’s having in his head. “I swear to God, no one in this group understands the meaning of ‘subtle’. Subtlety is _not_ yelling ‘Hey Jinyoung! Daehwi wants to talk to you!’ and then running away! That’s not what friendship is either!”

 

“Actually, that’s exactly what friendship is.” Youngmin points out from behind him and Donghyun nods along in agreement, it’s so uncharacteristic that Woojin notices immediately, lifting a questioning brow at the latter.

 

“Donghyun was in on this? Why did you stop me from blackmailing him if you were eventually jump aboard the matchmaking train?”

 

“As much as I want to be a good mother to Daehwi, a good mother also knows when it’s time to ‘fess up and admit your feelings! Or at least _try_ to talk to him.” 

 

Daehwi lets out a loud wail and falls onto the bed, crawling into the corner and pulling the covers off of Woojin and over him. “Not even _Donghyun_ is on my side!”

 

Woojin shifts on his bed, moving to sit against the headboard so the other two of the group could sit down on the end. “So what happened?”

 

The youngest springs back up from his spot, scooting over to sit beside Woojin and pointing an accusing finger at Youngmin and Donghyun. “They left me to fend for myself!” The blonde splutters angrily, and Youngmin all but smiles at his glare. “I was a stuttering mess again and now Jinyoung probably thinks I’m weird.”

 

 

 

 

 

_Daehwi had been walking across campus after his last class of the day, ready to treat himself to a boba tea at a shop across the Agriculture building. He was admittedly quite terrible with his self-control when it came to the drink, Donghyun had always told him to buy it in moderation, and only when he really deserved it. He figured the end of his quiz today signified a well-deserved taro boba tea. His steps became lighter as the shop came into sight, making his way across the street._

_He relished in the sweet scent of the store with a smile on his face, it was sort of his safe haven. He went here during his free time throughout high school, and at one point he even thought that he had spent more time in the store than he did it his own house. But there was just something pleasant about the ambience of the whole place, the pastels were soothing and charming, the lighting was the perfect amount of dimmed. Everything about the place was somehow able to make him feel content the moment he walked into it._

_Daehwi moved to stand in line and looked over the store, stopping when his eyes landed on two familiar faces._

_Donghyun and Youngmin were seated at one of the tables, unbeknownst to his presence in the store. He stayed in line, figuring he’d say hi to them later. But a minute later the two come striding up to him. “Hey Daehwi, are you done for the day?”_

_“Yeah, I just finished a quiz so I’m treating myself.” Donghyun smiled, ruffling the younger’s hair. The interaction wasn’t all too bad, until the door chimed and in walked Bae Jinyoung, right up behind them in line. Daehwi’s eyes widened as he watched Youngmin take in the sight, heart racing at the small tug of the corners of his lips. This was not going to go well for him._

_“Oh, Jinyoung! Daehwi here was just saying he wanted to talk to you!” Daehwi’s eyes bulged out of their sockets as Youngmin throws a wicked side glance at him before grabbing Donghyun’s hand and walking out of the store. His eyes fell to Jinyoung, who was looking at him curiously._

_“You did?”_

_Daehwi opened his mouth to say something, though it takes him about a minute to actually force anything out. “Uhhhh, y-yeah. You’re.. you’re in my bio class!” The light went off in his head as he remembered there was a way out of this mess without sounding like he was a loser with a big crush and no confidence to do anything about it. “And I was wondering if you had the notes from yesterday’s class. I had an appointment so I missed it.”_

_He prided himself in being able to make it through the latter half of his request without stumbling. Jinyoung nodded in understanding, . “Oh, well maybe you could give me your number and I can send it to you. I have my notes in google docs.”_

_He felt dizzy as he looked down at the phone Jinyoung was holding out for him. He was asking for his number. Albeit not exactly for the reason he wanted it to be, but he was asking for it nonetheless. Daehwi had almost forgotten his number because Jinyoung was looking at him with a smile and he had been feeling weak in the knees._

_“There you go.” Daehwi had tried to say with a smile but it may have come off as more uncomfortable than it was a genuinely happy one. Jinyoung hadn’t shown that to be the case though, because he returns it genuinely._

_“Cool, I’ll send it to you later.”_

_“Yeah..” Daehwi let out breathlessly before turning around and never forgetting for the entire duration he was in line that Bae Jinyoung was behind him._

_He was thankful he didn’t stumble over his order at the register this time._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You got his number, I don’t see what the problem is?”

 

Daehwi pulls out his phone to show Woojin a text from Jinyoung, that had said ‘so what’s up?’ after he sent the notes and Daehwi thanked him for it. “This! This is the problem!” The blonde slides back under the covers and wails, deliberately exaggerating his dismay. “I don’t know how to talk to him! How do you make casual conversation with your crush? Is that a thing people are able to do? Is it even possible to do it without immediately ruining your chances because you’re just so _terrible_ at texting that they don’t even want to be your friend?!”

 

“Daehwi, I’m pretty sure you’re good at texting, you have words for days. Like literally, _days_. I can’t get you to shut up.” The younger glares at him but Woojin ignores the look and pats his back reassuringly, “I don’t know why you can’t treat this like you’re just talking to any one of us.”

 

“It's not that easy, okay! Not everyone can be like you and your online boyfriend!”

 

“Whoa,” Youngmin’s eyes widen, “Online boyfriend? What the hell, Woojin why didn’t you tell us?”

 

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Woojin protests, ears getting red at the accusation. “We just talk occasionally. I don’t even know what he looks like.”

 

“Then why are you two so flirty?” He shoots daggers at the younger, this is supposed to be his rant night but somehow he’s managed to turn it on Woojin.

 

“Do you read my messages?”

 

“I mean, one time you left your phone open on your chat with him in front of me and I wasn’t just gonna _not_ look at it..” Woojin throws him a sour look, grabbing his phone to change his password immediately since Daehwi had managed to figure out his current one. “You’re gonna have to make sure you stay sober because if you change your password I can’t set alarms up for you.”

 

“Who’s fault was it that I got drunk in the first place?!”

 

Daehwi looks at him incredulously, wholly and obviously offended by the accusation. “I didn’t force you to drink! I just brought you there!”

 

‘Yeah and then you left me, knowing I’m terrible at turning people down!”

 

“Okay, okay, stop the fighting.” Donghyun breaks it up, stroking Daehwi’s head comfortingly. The room goes quiet for a bit and Woojin can’t hide the irritation that appears on his face at the sudden thought of a certain brunette. Donghyun turns to face him, “Are you good? You seem a little irritated today.”

 

Woojin falls back against his headboard, his eyes shutting closed. “We have a partnered assignment in history that’s going to last for like three weeks and I’m a hundred and ten percent sure my partner hates my guts and won’t be of much help.”

 

“Who is it?” Daehwi perks up, taking interest in the conversation.  

 

“Park Jihoon.” Woojin cracks a curious eye open at the small gasp that leaves Daehwi’s mouth.

 

“Oh, I know him! Well, not personally but my friends told me that’s he got quite the reputation from high school.” Daehwi looks a little too excited to have gossip to share, and normally Woojin wouldn’t really care much to indulge in other people’s lives, but he’s a little curious as to what kind of reputation Park Jihoon would have. “Apparently, he sleeps around, like a _lot_. He’s always looking for a new hookup every week, people see him with a different guy all of the time in the dorm halls, being pulled into their rooms.”

 

Had he not known Jihoon before the revelation, he wouldn’t have been that shocked. But Woojin is rendered speechless at the newly required information. Park Jihoon had a _hookup_ reputation? Park Jihoon, the kid who was constantly picked on in middle school? _That_ Park Jihoon?

 

He ends up concluding that the Jihoon he once knew wasn’t even the slightest bit of indication of the new one, and soon enough he’s probably going to be in for the biggest karma of his life.

 

 

 

 

 

Woojin doesn’t hear the end of Daehwi’s complaints about Youngmin and Donghyun. Their group chat had blown up while he had taken his hour long nap and he‘s puzzled as to why he’s curious enough to backtrack through almost 500 messages. Most of it had been stories that Woojin had already heard, most of which had happened in his presence. Like the one time Daehwi had walked into a door while staring (creepily, as woojin insisted) at Jinyoung from afar.

 

He jumps into the conversation once he finally reaches the end of the messages.

 

 

 

 **_woojin_ ** _: what the fuc k_

**_woojin_ ** _: why did I wake up to 500 messages y’all are wild_

**_daehwi_ ** _: I HAVE A LOT OF ANGER INSIDE OF ME TODAY_

**_woojin_ ** _: clearly_

**_youngmin_ ** _: he was recalling all of the moments Jinyoung looked at him for more than a second_

**_donghyun_ ** _: actually there was one story where he glanced at him for like 0.00005 seconds but he read too much into it anyways_

**_woojin_ ** _: lmao delusional_

**_daehwi_ ** _: I hate u all_

**_daehwi_ ** _: ://////////_

**_daehwi_ ** _: And WE NEED TO GIVE HIM A CODENAME_

**_youngmin_ ** _: why?_

**_daehwi_ ** _: BECAUSE I WANT TO DIE EVERY TIME I READ HIS NAME_

**_daehwi_ ** _: ALSO IM PARANOID_

**_daehwi_ ** _: WHAT IF HE’S BEHIND ME IN LINE ONE DAY_

**_daehwi_ ** _: AND SEES HIS NAME IN OUR CONVO_

**_daehwi_ ** _: HOW DO I EXPLAIN MYSELF THEN HUH?????_

**_woojin_ ** _: I doubt hes gonna be looking at your screen_

**_woojin_ ** _: unless he’s /that/ kind of intrusive person_

**_woojin_ ** _: oh hey then you would be a perfect match_

**_daehwi_ ** _: ://///_

**_daehwi_ ** _: at least me having ur password was useful when u were drUNK_

**_daehwi_ ** _: UN G RATEFUL_

**_donghyun_ ** _: okay well what do you wanna call him?_

**_daehwi_ ** _: idk u guys figure it out_

****

**_woojin_ ** _: why us smh he’s your man_

**_daehwi_ ** _: NJFDKGH_

**_daehwi_ ** _: HE’S NOT MY MAN_

**_daehwi_ ** _: ICB_

**_woojin_ ** _: you’re blushing aren’t you_

**_daehwi_ ** _: NO_

**_daehwi_ ** _: MOST DEFINITELY NOT_

**_daehwi_ ** _: U DON'T HAVE ANY PROOF_

**_daehwi_ ** _: anyways GIVE ME CODENAMES KFDJH_

**_youngmin_ ** _: sriracha_

**_daehwi_ ** _: wth why_

**_woojin_ ** _: bc you think he’s hot_

**_daehwi_ ** _: OH MY GODDDD_

****

**_daehwi_ ** _: NO_

**_daehwi_ ** _: I am Embarrassed_

**_woojin_ ** _: why he’s not even gonna know the codename_

**_daehwi_ ** _: still embarrassing!!!!_

**_youngmin_ ** _: soy sauce_

**_woojin_ ** _: sweet and sour_

**_youngmin_ ** _: barbeque_

**_woojin_ ** _: marinara_

**_youngmin_ ** _: honey dill_

**_woojin_ ** _: mayonnaise_

 

 **_youngmin_ ** _: tartar_

**_woojin_ ** _: gravy_

**_youngmin_ ** _: nice_

**_daehwi_ ** _: will u two,,,,_

**_daehwi_ ** _: shUT UP with the goddamn sauces_

**_youngmin_ ** _: spongebob_

**_woojin_ ** _: squarepants_

**_youngmin_ ** _: squidward_

**_woojin_ ** _: tentacles_

**_youngmi_ _n_** _: krabs_

**_woojin_ ** _: eugene_

**_daehwi_ ** _: WHY ARE U ALL SO USELESS_

**_woojin_ ** _: wtf_

**_woojin_ ** _: im offended_

**_daehwi_ ** _: LITERALLY NO ONE CARES_

**_donghyun_ ** _: okay enough about sauces lol_

**_donghyun_ ** _: daehwi_

**_donghyun_ ** _: name things that remind you of him_

**_donghyun_ ** _: maybe we can use one of those_

**_daehwi_ ** _: ummmmmmm_

**_daehwi_ ** _: I always saw him walking around with a mango smoothie in high school_

**_daehwi_ ** _: I think he likes mangos_

**_woojin_ ** _: an intellectual_

**_youngmin_ ** _: ur gonna ignore our sauce suggestions but ur gonna go with mango???_

**_daehwi_ ** _: it’s better than fricking sweet and sour binch_

**_youngmin_ ** _: that wasn’t even my suggestion_

**_daehwi_ ** _: like urs were any better_

**_youngmin_ ** _: I’ll have u know I won first place in a naming contest_

**_daehwi_ ** _: that's_

**_daehwi_ ** _: not a thing_

**_youngmin_ ** _: but if it was I would win it_

**_woojin_ ** _: ^^^_

**_daehwi_ ** _: mom can we disown them_

**_donghyun_ ** _: im way ahead of you_

**_youngmin_ ** _: HEY_

**_woojin_ ** _: HEY (2)_

**_youngmin_ ** _: YOU YOU_

**_woojin_ ** _: I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND_

**_daehwi_ ** _: no_

**_youngmin_ ** _: WAY_

**_daehwi_ ** _: no_

**_woojin_ ** _: WAY_

**_daehwi_ ** _: N O_

**_donghyun_ ** _: anywaysssssss_

**_donghyun_ ** _: let’s just go with mango_

**_daehwi_ ** _: okayyy_

**_woojin_ ** _: so hows jinyoung_

**_daehwi_ ** _: NFDJLGH_

**_daehwi_ ** _: The CODE! NAME!_

**_woojin_ ** _: jinyoung_

**_woojin_ ** _: jiiiinnnnyyyoouuuunnng_

**_woojin_ ** _: *daehwi voice * bae jinyoung! bae jinyoung!_

**_daehwi_ ** _: OMF I WANT TO DIEEEEEEE_

**_daehwi_ ** _: STOP IT IM GONNA HURT U_

**_woojin_ ** _: bae to the jin to the young_

**_woojin_ ** _: LEE DAEHWI LOVES BAE JINYOUNG_

**_donghyun_ ** _: um,_

**_donghyun_ ** _: should we go check to make sure he didn’t pass out_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Come Monday, Woojin feels a little awkward to contact Jihoon after Daehwi had spilled what he knew about how he’d grown up over the years. It’s almost as if he’s a different person entirely. But he also isn’t, at least not by the standards of his judgment, because it’s been years since Woojin last saw Jihoon—of course he was bound to have changed, to have grown up. It's just a bit baffling that he had turned out to be so.. promiscuous. And he doesn’t like to judge, at least not anymore—but he wonders why Jihoon had ended up like that.

 

He had just finished dance practice, feeling every kind of disgusting as sweat drips down the side of his face. Practice had been cut short due to many absences, to which Taehyun—the leader of their dance team—had been more than slightly displeased about. The people who had actually shown up to practice that day unjustly had to suffer through his vigorous warmup and snappy attitude whenever someone so much as stepped a centimeter out of formation. His temper seemed to have calm down a little when Sungwoon ventured in with his bright smile, and Woojin is able to connect the dots for _that_ situation.

 

After taking a cold shower and about fifteen minutes spent contemplating possible greeting messages and whether or not to hit send, he finally texts the older boy.

 

**_(5:23) woojin_ ** _: what’s our plan_

**_(5:25) jihoon_ ** _: im thinking I could drop kick u in the neck_

**_(526) woojin_ ** _: okay, what’s our /actual/ plan_

**_(5:27) jihoon_ ** _: ugh I don't know where do u wanna meet_

**_(5:27) woojin_ ** _: we could work in my dorm room?_

**_(5:27) woojin_ ** _: I have a single and I like it better when im not around people_

**_(5:28) jihoon_ ** _hmm the kid who threw anything away to have friends in middle school hates being around people_

**_(5:28) woojin_ ** _: let’s not get into this right now_

**_(5:28) woojin_ ** _: so are you coming over or not_

**_(5:29) jihoon_ ** _: fine, text me ur dorm room I’ll be there in like half an hour_

**_(5:29) woojin_ ** _: why half an hour_

**_(5:30) jihoon_ ** _: I have some things to attend to_

**_(5:31) woojin_ ** _: that's,, disgusting. let’s just reschedule_

**_(5:31) jihoon_ ** _: stop being a baby_

**_(5:32) woojin_ ** _: you’re fucking lucky I have febreze_

Jihoon shows up some time after six, hair slightly and suspiciously disheveled, and Woojin’s mind immediately goes _there_. Woojin looks at him with obvious repulsion marring his features while spraying febreze right into his face as he’s walking in.

 

Jihoon coughs at the sudden attack, waving a hand in front of his face to get rid of the mist. “You’re ridiculous.”

 

“And you’re disgusting.” Woojin says matter-of-factly, eyes narrowing at the older boy.

 

“For your information, I wasn’t even doing what you think I was doing. I was out doing errands with Donghan. So the fact that your mind went there is entire _your_ fault, not mine.” Jihoon smirks at the falter in Woojin’s face when he realizes that he did in fact jumped to a conclusion right away. But can he blame him? Practically everyone in their year knew about his high school reputation, it isn’t a far stretch that his mind had ventured into that territory.

 

“Whatever.” He sneers, veering back into his room to avoid any further embarrassment of himself. Jihoon follows, casually throwing himself onto the armchair opposite the bed. Woojin tosses a stack of papers on the table in front of him. “Here are the articles, we can both look through them and jot down any relevant information. I’ll take this half and you take those.”

 

Jihoon wordlessly takes out his laptop from his bag, grabbing at his stack of articles on the table and busying himself in reading. Woojin is thankful that he doesn’t seem to plan on talking to him much; he doesn’t really know what he should be saying to him. What kind of small talk do you make with the kid you used to bully in middle school?

 

They continue to work in silence for the most part. Woojin seems to finish first, and he lets his head fall back onto his headboard, letting the background noises amidst their silence consume him, mind focused on the whistling of the wind and the crunching of the leaves under footsteps outside his window. Autumn has always been his favorite season. There’s something about the sounds of the leaves against the grass, the chill of the air that isn’t morbidly cold, the warmth of his favorite Starbucks drink. Even music somehow managed to sound better depending on the season—it’s mystifying yet convincing.

 

After his ten minute break, Woojin gets up to check on Jihoon’s progress, only to find him typing away at a different device. He doesn’t know how long it’s been since the boy had switched to using his phone, but he clearly isn’t doing anything history related at the moment.

 

“Did you even do any work?” Woojin snaps at him, moving to sneak a peek at his laptop screen only to find a single page of typed up information, in contrast to his own five pages. “Are you kidding me? I’ve done five times the work you’ve done and history is my _worst_ subject. Maybe you should get off your phone and start contributing to this group.”

 

“That’s all I could find.” Jihoon barely sends a glance his way, eyes intent on his phone screen. Woojin sighs and grabs the untouched articles from Jihoon’s pile, moving back to his own laptop to do his part of the work.

 

After gathering most of their information, Woojin slides his laptop across the table to face Jihoon. “Take my notes down. I’d make you do the work on your own but I don’t want to waste any more time on this.”

 

Jihoon furrows his eyebrows as he looks up from his screen, but sits up to put his phone down and slides Woojin’s laptop closer to him. Woojin watches as he scans his notes, not quite able to deduce the meaning of look on his face. “Were you half asleep while writing these? You have some of the dates on these events mixed up.”

 

Woojin can only stares at the boy incredulously, face hot and pinched with resentment. After making him do all of the work, he had the nerve to try and _correct_ him? “You made me do all of the work and you’re trying to get mad at me for making a mistake?”

 

“Well I wouldn’t have to get mad if you knew your stuff.” Woojin can feel Jihoon’s gratification in his seething, and it only makes him even more mad.

 

“If you’re such a know-it-all then maybe you should start being useful and get shit done.” He grits out through his clenched teeth, standing up and walking towards the bathroom, slamming the door closed and splashing his face with water. Never in the last few years had he felt so utterly _frustrated_. Maybe it became easy for Jihoon to manipulate people in high school, but Woojin isn’t courteous enough to deal with it.

 

He takes a few minutes to calm himself down, remind himself that this is a business relationship. Strictly work and nothing else, no need to bring personal feelings into it. Jihoon is simply a classmate that he needs to work on a project with and he can’t let his disgruntlement hinder their chances of getting a good grade. History is his worst subject, which means he needs to work ten times harder to get the results he wants, and he’s not going to let Park Jihoon ruin that for him.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 _the sight of blood_  
_and acid words_  
_is all I’ll ever see  
_ _and all you’ll ever be_

 

 

 

There’s only so much of Woojin’s face he can handle seeing so often until the painful memories start to resurface and preoccupy his mind every second of every day. Jihoon had been frequenting Woojin’s dorm in order to work on their research paper and presentation, and being in a small room with him and having Woojin be the only face he sees for hours on end is starting to take a toll on his (partial) stability. He’s _tried_ to make their meetings as indifferent as possible, with some minor quarrelling that had mostly sparked from his inability to hold back from making a snarky comment whenever Woojin tried to act polite. And though he does notice the lack of insults Woojin has thrown at him since they’ve been working together, something in the back of his mind can’t help but be suspicious. Is he just trying to be modest for his grades? Will he eventually go back to picking on him when he no longer needs Jihoon’s help to sustain a decent mark in what is supposedly his worst subject?

 

Jihoon can’t seem to put a finger on why Woojin seems so.. _different_. He doubts Woojin is genuinely mannered and civil (when he’s not being riled up by Jihoon, that is). Woojin was basically the incarnation of the devil to him when he was twelve, had he really shaped up to be righteous person? It seems highly unlikely to him.

 

Jihoon can’t even remember why Woojin had started to pick on him in the first place. They had always gone to the same elementary school together, and it’s not like they were complete strangers up until the eighth grade. So why was it that he had changed his attitude towards him completely after making friends with some new kids that showed up at their school for the last year of middle school? Back then, despite not knowing him very well, Jihoon had never pictured Woojin to be one to lead, especially not a group of delinquents. He always held him to be someone to follow if ever, but never one to primarily antagonize someone. He guesses that’s why he always saw on television shows to never trust people. Humans were complex beings and you never know what they could be capable of, even the people who seem like they could have the best of intentions.

 

In fact, back in sixth grade, Jihoon had sort of _admired_ Woojin. He looked like he was a good basketball player, and Jihoon was surprised when he didn’t try out for the team that year. Maybe it was just a hobby to him and not what he wanted to indulge in competitively. Jihoon had never felt like he had any talents, he was quite a boring kid with not much friends. And though the two had never exchanged words, Jihoon had saw him around the school all of the time.

 

Everything he had thought to be true about the boy had changed when they started eighth grade. There were a lot of new students that transferred to their school that year, Jihoon had even felt bad for them at the beginning, thinking about how hard it might have been to have to go to a new school for the last year of middle school. He regretted ever caring for any of them, because a month into the school year, rumors had started to spread around about him. He wasn’t even sure why he was a target of talk among the grade, he was always in the background, no one really knew him except for the two girls he occasionally talked to. One day someone had come up to him and called him a word he had never heard before.

_“What are you looking at, fag?”_

_It was the first time he had heard that word, but from the laughter that came from behind the kid, he knew it wasn’t meant to be nice. He never found it in him to ask anyone about it, so he ignored them thinking they would leave him alone the next day. But all throughout the year, a multitude of words he hadn’t even heard of before were being thrown at him. Eventually, he was being pushed and shoved to the ground by the boys in his grade. More often than not, he would go home with bruises and cuts on his legs and arms. At one point he stopped wearing shorts completely, covering himself up in jeans and long sleeves; he didn’t want anyone to see the marks, especially his father._

_He was always a little terrified of his father, he never smiled and was always absorbed in his work in his office. His mother hadn’t been around ever since he was seven, and he had never felt more alone than he did that year._

_One day he had went to school and found himself pushed down onto the cement, hands scraped and bleeding. When he looked up, he hadn’t expected to see who he saw. There was Woojin, the kid he had once admired, looking down at him with a bunch of other boys laughing behind him._

_“That’s what you get for looking at him, you homo.”_

_“Yeah, did you actually think he’d ever like you?”_

_He had never allowed himself to cry at school, he wanted to be stronger than that. So when tears sprung in his eyes as the laughter of the boys got louder, he ran to the park across the street and sat with his head in his arms underneath the slide, wiping away his tears._

_He had always felt different from the others in his class; everyone he knew only ever crushed on someone of the opposite gender. So it was confusing to him why he never felt any attraction to girls. Eventually he realized that he was interested in boys. He was beyond confused as to why it seemed to be the reason that people were so cruel to him. And then one night while he was watching a show on the television, it hit him; he wasn’t normal in their minds. He was different; they had seen him as atypical—unnatural. That's why everyone hated him. And that’s why Woojin hated him, because he thought that he had a crush on him._

_He had never felt so disappointed in someone in his entire life._

_The days continued to get worse; Somewhere down the road he thought about denying it, hiding his own identity for the sake of being safe. But the longer he dwelled on it, the more that he thought that if anything, it was everyone else who was wrong. It didn’t stop him from being scared, however—at one point he started to fake being sick in order to avoid having to go school. His father had only let him miss school once, before he was forced to go back again. Jihoon never went outside for recess anymore. He stayed in his classroom and buried himself in his notebook—writing had always calmed him. It gave him a voice, one that he wasn’t used to having in his environment. He could be free on paper; he could be himself. But as much as he was proud of his work, at the end of the day, no one would be there to applaud it. His stories would stay forever in the confines of his notebook, never to see the light of day._

_On a Friday, their grade was setting up for Culture Night; everyone having prepared performances, food, and songs for their all of their families to enjoy. Jihoon hadn’t expected his father to come, but when he got home that afternoon he had been surprised when his father had come into his room and told him they were going to the school for Culture Night. They had never really spoken much—not even at dinner, so Jihoon felt awkward as he took his father around to show him the various things he had set up for the night, not sure whether or not he was feeling proud of any of it or even expect his father to care. All he could think of for most of the duration of the night was bumping into the boys that made fun of him, especially now that his dad was with him. He knew that something was bound to slip up if that ever happened. And how would his dad react to him when he found out that he was different? Would he hate him just like everyone else? Were parents allowed to hate their children?_

_He had figured it out all too soon, and that’s when his world had crashed down on him. The sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach wasn't wrong as he watched Woojin and his group of boys stomp up to him and his dad. He had no idea how twelve year olds could be so ruthless._

_“Mister, I really don’t know how you could even look at your own son in the face knowing what kind of person he is.”_

_“Excuse me?” His father had raised an eyebrow at the boys glaring wickedly at Jihoon._

_Jihoon watched as a boy nudged Woojin with his elbow, but not even his knowledge of Woojin hating him could prepare him for what he had decided to do. He hadn’t heard spite in his voice, not even an ounce of emotion—the most starking contrast to him. “Your son, he’s gay.”_

_Everything was a blur as his watched his father turn to him with wide-eyes, as the boys snickered and walked away. With a sense of foreboding, he let his father drag him out of the school building by the wrist and prepared himself for imminent disaster._

_“What are those boys talking about?” His father questioned, voice dark and chilling. He had never felt so scared of his father like he had then. “Answer me, Jihoon!”_

_Jihoon winced, his heart already on the ground. He stayed quiet, eyes never leaving the ground. His father’s pierced the air again, “Is what they said true? Are you gay?”_

_His voice wouldn’t come out, tears sprung at the corners of his eyes. He wasn’t prepared for what would happen next. Jihoon felt a hand come down at the top of his head, harsh and strong. And at that, all of the tears all fell. “Are you?!”_

_With a heavy heart, he nodded slowly. He was afraid to look up but he could see his father pacing around in front of him, in clear frustration. After a minute he finally lifted his head to look up at him, and he had never felt so broken. “Don’t even think about coming home until you’ve gotten over this phase.”_

_He watched emptily as his father walked away from him, not a single glance was spared his way. He wasn’t going to look back, he wasn’t going to regret saying that and bring him back home._

_He really meant it when he said he didn’t want him to come back home._

_Jihoon ended up walking the streets the rest of the night, not knowing entirely where he was going. He felt numb, blinded by tears and unable to think straight. It was all a muddy sight to him as he found himself on the ground, just inches away from the bumper of a car. He let himself sit there, making no move to get up._

_“Oh my god, are you okay?” A boy who seemed to be around his age had gotten out of the car and ran up to him, checking for any signs of injury._

_“I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you walking there! What were you doing walking without looking where you were going?” An older man came up to him, all confused hands and not quite sure what to do. “We should call your parents; do you have a phone?”_

_Jihoon shook his head apathetically, eyes still focused on the same patch of ground in front of him._

_“Well do you know your home phone number? I’ll call them for you. Donghan, pass me your phone.”_

_“I don’t—“ Jihoon swallowed down the lump in his throat, “I don’t.. have one. A home.” The two of them had exchanged glances, but said no more as they steadied Jihoon onto his feet and ushered him into their car. They had asked him a few more questions, but gave up when Jihoon stayed mute. They had taken them back to their house, fed him, and let him sleep there for the night. He didn’t know what he was going to do when morning came, he was just grateful that he was going to be able to sleep in a bed that night._

_He didn’t go home the morning after. Or the morning after that._

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon tries not to look at Woojin whenever they’re in his room. He rarely lets his eyes wander from his laptop screen; it’s amazing how much progress he can get done when he’s so intent on avoiding someone he’s alone in the same room with. Though halfway through the night he ends up focusing fixedly on his screen, only pretending to be concentrated on his work. Meetings had started to become quiet save for some brief moments of bickering, and it’s both enjoyable and unsettling. It’s an unaccustomed neutral (for the most part) vibe that’s somehow foreboding, it almost feels like the calm before the storm.

 

He just didn’t think he’d be the one to start it.  

 

Jihoon is faintly aware of the glances Woojin has been sneaking at him for the past twenty minutes. It bothers him more than he expects it to and for some reason, he can’t find it in himself to simply overlook it.

 

“It’s a little shocking, how you haven’t thrown a homophobic comment at me yet.” Jihoon says out of nowhere without thinking; his dream last night had put him in a terrible mood the entire day and Woojin seemed like the most feasible person to let his anger out on, given he was the true antagonist of his nightmare. He tries to convince himself that Woojin deserves it.

 

Jihoon gaze flits from his laptop to the boy in front of him, who can’t keep the look of alarm off of his face. “What?”

 

“You know,” He continues nonchalantly, looking Woojin dead in the eyes, “fag, homo, all of the things you used to call me.”

 

He watches Woojin shift uncomfortably, visibly rattled by the memory. It takes him some time to reply, his voice comes out quiet, “I don’t do that anymore.”

 

“I wonder who else’s lives you’ve made miserable over the years. I feel sorry for the people who had to deal with you at your new school.”

 

Woojin shuts his laptop closed almost angrily, placing it behind him on his bed and getting up to his refrigerator to grab a water bottle. The room is filled with a noticeable atmosphere of _pack your things and leave already_ that’s also evidently soaking with an undertone of _I don’t want to listen to this_. “I told you, I’m not like that anymore.”

 

Jihoon scoffs as Woojin downs half of his water, is he trying to say that he’s done nothing wrong just because he might have stopped picking on people? Jihoon refuses to listen to his excuses.

 

“That’s rich, but you’ll _always_ be that person. Don’t ever forget that you _outed_ me to my own father.”

 

“I’m not proud of that! Okay?” Woojin voice rises, the bottle in his hand starts to crumple. He tries to speak again but Jihoon doesn’t give him a chance to say anything else.  

 

“I lost my family because of you!” He exclaims, face lit with bitterness. All attempts at being calm and collected are thrown out the window. Woojin’s face contorts in surprise, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape.

 

“I— what?”

 

The confusion in his voice makes Jihoon livid, he doesn’t even try to mask his resentment. He’s filled to the brim in anguish, rage, in _heartbreak_.

 

“I never went home that night.” He feels his voice crack and he swallows down his tears, attempting to hold onto the last bit of his composure. “I never went home any other night. I wasn’t allowed into my own house.”

 

He doesn’t manage to catch a glimpse of Woojin’s face before he stomps out, now in tears—bag slung over his shoulder and sleeve pulling up to cover his misty eyes.

 

There’s an overwhelming flood of emotions that take over his entire body, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. For a long time, he had felt so empty—numb to the point where he was sure there might be something perceptibly wrong with him, but he could never really describe it. It’s like the grief you feel when someone you love dies, except there’s something missing, and he can never quite put his finger on what it is. It’s a perfect cube with no way out, where there’s only hopelessness. The walls don’t seem to break despite his jagged edges. And then it’s almost as if someone from the outside had bashed a hole into the cube, and water had started to fill it, along with the agony he always tried to subside. And all he can do is let it drown him, suffocate him completely.

 

Jihoon walks and walks until he can get his head on straight, he didn’t want to face anyone in this state. Jihoon doesn’t cry, not in places that weren’t in the comfort and sanctuary of his own room, not where people can see his transparency. But it’s all he does that night, over Woojin, over his father, over Joonyoung, over everything and everyone that had ever hurt him.

 

 

 

He’s not even sure where his feet are taking him, all he knows is that he’s not going home tonight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um,, dont hate me? lmao i really hadn't planned for it to be going this slow (but i did warm you in the tags i guess???) but i really wanted to develop their characters and backstories a lot before getting into the present stuff. so far i'm thinking this will be four parts? but we'll see


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i switch between jihoon and woojin’s perspectives more frequently in this chapter, just because i wasn’t able to find the best perspective for specific situations without messing it up chronologically, so sorry if that bothers you 
> 
> please read the tags for possible triggers!

_3._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 _I’m a haywire mind_  
_with nothing to hold onto_  
_I keep sinking and sinking  
_ _but I never drown_

 

 

He feels like he’s just crashed onto the shore, except he keeps getting pulled back by the waves. Like water is filling his lungs as his vision goes black, and he doesn’t know how to swim.

 

Woojin misses two school days in a row. He keeps his door locked and doesn’t answer his phone, barely moving beyond the comfort of his bed. He had opted for suffocating in the darkness of his room over the brightness of the sun that only reminded him of every reason he wasn’t allowed to be happy.

 

Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. He doesn’t know any other emotion; guilt is all that surrounds him. And he should have known that the build up from the past few weeks were bound to catch up with him faster than he could try to swallow them down; the sleepless nights should have been an indicator that he was going to snap soon enough. Confusion and despair come crashing down at him all at once. And even then, he still feels like there’s something he isn’t getting, something that would make him understand just why he hated himself so much. Not that there isn’t already a mountain of reasons he could list, but there’s something so hollow in his mind, and it feels like it’s trying to clamber its way out against his own will. Is there something he isn’t remembering properly?

 

There’s a loud knocking at his door, voices that are screaming at him to open up. But he’s not sure he wants to. It continues on for minutes and he gets up only because he knows how persistent his friends are and he’s not going to be able to go back to sleep with Daehwi shrieking at him from outside of his room. He hasn’t looked in the mirror in hours, he’s not even sure what time it is—the only indication of the time of day is the fact that it’s quite dim outside.

 

He unlocks the door and trudges back to his bed, still void of expression as all three of them burst into his room and start yelling at him.

 

“Park Woojin what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Daehwi fumes, arms crossed and anyone else who were to see the sight might have thought he was the older one. He doesn’t answer, he just stares blankly at the floor from the foot of his bed.

 

“Woojin, is there something wrong?” Donghyun’s voice reaches his ears—much softer—and he sees the older boy kneel down in front of him. “You aren’t answering any of our calls. Did you even go to school today?”

 

He shakes his head slowly, hearing Daehwi’s exasperated huff from his left side.

 

“Why are you skipping class?” Youngmin asks him, sitting next to him on the bed. Woojin feels like he’ll get a headache if he speaks up, so he continues to stay quiet. He can the frustration slowly build up, in his friends for his silence, and in him because he just _doesn’t_ want to talk about it.

 

“This isn’t fair, you know. You don’t get to hide things from us when all we want to do is help you.” The headache comes anyways, slow but distressing. He closes his eyes shut, brows furrowing and teeth digging deep into his lip. “No one is asking for a full blown-story, Woojin—“

 

“And no one is asking for you either but look who forced his way in.” Immediate regret washes over him as he looks up at Daehwi’s face, shock crossing his face and the room falls into a torturous silence.

 

Woojin doesn’t think twice before rushing out the door to follow Daehwi. He scrambles down the stairs with a heavy heart and finds the younger boy sitting on a couch in the lounge of their building. He approaches him slowly, trying to gather his thoughts and figuring out how to apologize to his best friend for completely fucking up.

 

He sucks in a breath when he stands in front of the sullen boy. “I’m sorry.”

 

Daehwi doesn’t look up, he just continues to stare at the wall but Woojin can see the glistening tears he can tell he’s forcing himself to hold back. Woojin kneels down in front of him and tries to grab his hand, but Daehwi jerks it out of his hold and crosses his arms, refusing to meet his gaze. Woojin’s head falls into his hands, running a hand through his hair before he moves to sit beside the younger and grabs him by the shoulders to face him. “Look at me, Daehwi.”

 

The blond finally meets his eyes with his own bitter ones, and Woojin can see the disappointment—it fills him up in an all too familiar feeling. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of that, I was just— I’ve been distant and snappy the past few days and I was frustrated but I didn’t mean to hurt you like that.” He pauses and bites his lip, Daehwi’s angry features have relaxed but he still doesn’t look convinced. “I just have a lot going on in my mind and a lot of stuff that I can’t really explain, but I just want you to know that you are _so_ important to me.

 

“And I know that it was still uncalled for either way but—Can you please forgive me?”

 

Woojin has both of Daehwi’s hands in his, pleading eyes and a shaky voice. Daehwi finally speaks up, in an unusually quiet voice that has Woojin feeling even _more_ guilty, “Sounded like it was true.”

 

“It’s not!” He denies promptly, “Daehwi, I’m seriously so sorry, I’m such a fuck up and I shouldn’t have said that because it isn’t true. I got carried away in my irritability and I’m sorry. But I could never hate you, okay? I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.”

 

At the slump of his shoulders Woojin thinks he’s slowly getting closer towards forgiveness. “You’re my anchor.” He says suddenly and has to try his best not to snort at Daehwi’s shocked expression, “Like, um, when I feel like I’m drifting away you keep me grounded. And I know I don’t show it much but I’m really grateful for you and I want you to know that.”

 

 

Woojin waits for a reaction; they stay quiet for a while and the confidence he had in his ability to at least receive acceptance before forgiveness is immediately shut down by the intrusive negative thoughts spinning around in his head. He watches the younger with uncertainty, and he can feel his palms start to clam up. He pulls his hands away to wipe them on his sweats, “Sorry I’m like sweating a lot wow—“

 

Arms reach out to wrap around Woojin, catching him off guard. “I— oh, you’re hugging me this is, new. And weird.”

 

“I don’t care I’m doing it anyways.” Daehwi rests his chin on Woojin’s shoulder. Woojin pats him awkwardly on the back and Daehwi snorts. “You’re terrible at this.”

 

Woojin glares at him before proceeding to tighten his hold on the boy, squeezing him as tight as he can.

 

“Woojin, I can’t.. breathe..”

 

“Why? Because I’m breathtakingly good-looking?”

 

“No because you’re literally squishing the life out of me!” Daehwi shrieks, probably sore from the bone-crushing hug Woojin is giving him. Woojin merely chuckles and continues to hug him despite the younger’s attempts to push him off. Daehwi groans in defeat when he doesn’t seem to be letting go, giving in and reaching his hands to wrap around the older’s waist, hugging him back just as tight.

 

“I don’t know what you’re going through but just know that I’m here for you if you want to talk about it. Always.” Woojin nods with hesitation into the crook of Daehwi’s neck. “Take your time, okay? Tell me when you’re ready.”

 

As much as he's grateful for Daehwi's assurance to be there when he needs to talk, truth be told, he’s terrified. Terrified that once his friends hear about the person he used to be, he’ll lose everything. It repeats like an unwanted mantra in his mind.

 

_He’s going to leave you._

 

 

 

Woojin starts to fall back into routine the day after, not with any ounce of enthusiasm (has he ever really had that when it came to school?) but with the resolution of being smart about his time and money. His history class still continues to drain the life out of him, and even more so because he has to face Jihoon after his outburst from their last meeting.

 

They meet up in the library this time, and Woojin figures it gives the older an excuse to not have to talk to him. The dark circles under Jihoon’s eyes don’t go unnoticed, he clearly looks like he hasn’t slept well in days. There’s a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he realizes he might be the reason for it. Scratch that, he’s _definitely_ the reason for it. The guilt is far from evaporated and seeing him kind of makes him want to crawl back into his bed sheets and never leave his room again. But unfortunately, there's still a world out there and he needs to be living in it, despite the many reasons he can come up with as to why he doesn't want to.  

 

Jihoon leads them into a secluded corner in the library where a small two-seater desk is. He’s a little surprised that Jihoon wants them to sit here of all places, being that it’s quite far and hidden from everyone else, but he also knows that this won’t stop him from ignoring him anyways. He probably just didn’t want anyone to see him with him. It leads him to wonder if Jihoon had ever told anyone else about who he was and what he had done in the past. Maybe there are people out there he doesn’t know who already hate him. Though it’s not surprising, he would hate himself too. He already does.

 

Two hours of silence goes by and Woojin manages to make progress quicker that he thought he would. The extra notes that Jihoon had added to his were undoubtedly helpful for his paper and Woojin wonders whether Jihoon had this information at the top of his head already. The corrections he had made at their first meeting made it seem like he was better at history than he was letting on and only slacked off as a means of frustrating Woojin. And even though it should make him angry, it doesn’t quite do that. He’s a little annoyed, but recently he had been coming to a conclusion that he deserved everything bad that was continuing to happen to him.

 

He gets up to browse the bookshelves; they needed at least one source from a book in the school library. As he’s looking through the shelves his phone vibrates in his pocket.

 

 

 **_winkly_** _: hey friend help me I’m dying of boredom_

**_chamsaes_ :** _I mean it’s not like I’m any more interesting_

**_winkly_ :** _shut up u are_

**_chamsaes_** _: now now don’t go falling for me_

**_winkly_** _: I take it back you’re more boring than homework_

**_chamsaes_ :** _mhm whatever helps you sleep at night_

**_winkly_** _: u just said urself that ur boring and now ur acting like ur amazing_

**_winkly_** _: what are u I don't understand u_

**_chamsaes_** _: i’m a mystery :)_

**_winkly_** _: ur frustrating is what u are_

**_chamsaes_** _: you shouldn’t be attacking someone that you want to help relieve your boredom_

**_winkly_** _: ok im sorry don’t leave I might actually cry bc of how much I hate school_

**_chamsaes_** _: I mean… im not opposed to seeing that_

**_winkly_** _: r00d_

**_chamsae_ s** _: just kidding_

**_chamsaes_** _: or am i_

**_winkly_** _: aNYWAYS_

**_winkly_** _: im so sleep deprived omggg_

**_chamsaes_** _: rip all I’ve been doing for the past few days is sleeping_

**_winkly_** _: lol did u fall asleep in class_

**_chamsaes_** _: more like I didn't go.._

**_winkly_** _: smh skipper_

**_winkly_** _: even I don’t skip_

**_chamsaes_** _: hey don’t shame me_

**_chamsaes_** _: I was feeling horrible and I still am but I can’t lie around forever ://_

**_winkly_** _: oh sorry to hear_

**_winkly_** _: I hope u feel better!_

**_chamsaes_** _: thanks_

**_chamsaes_** _: so what are you doing_

**_winkly_** _: im procrastinating and scrolling through tumblr whoopsss_

**_chamsaes_** _: wow I don't think you have the right to attack me for skipping_

**_winkly_** _: hey at least I go to class and get my work done on time_

**_chamsaes_** _: who says I don't get my work done_

**_winkly_** _: I have an inkling you’re secretly a party dude who drinks and doesn’t like going to school just pretending to be shy on here_

**_chamsaes_** _: that…._

**_chamsaes_** _: could not be more wrong oh god_

**_chamsaes_** _: that is horribly inaccurate_

**_chamsaes_** _: the angels above are laughing at this_

**_winkly_** _: how do I know it’s not true hm?_

**_chamsaes_** _: take my word for it lmao_

**_chamsaes_** _: that's the funniest thing I’ve ever heard oh god_

He finds the book he needs after much struggle (and distraction due to winkly) and heads back to their table. Jihoon is still working away on his laptop and refusing to so much as look at him. Woojin wants to say something, he knows he should. But he’s terrible with words and all he can think about is how he’s gonna mess up and ruin things even more, and that’s the last thing they need in the midst of their partnership.

 

 _One day_ , he thinks, one day he’ll make things right.

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon scrolls wordlessly through articles among articles of information—at some point he’s not even sure if he’s retaining any of it, the words just pass over his head and he doesn't have any motivation left in him to write any of it down. It’s not very like him to be distracted, he’s usually one to get things over with quick and painlessly (as painless as it can get with history), but so many things have been on his mind recently. Couple that with his lack of sleep and suddenly he doesn’t feel like doing anything ever again.

 

He doesn’t say a word to Woojin, not after their last encounter. He had worked so hard to build up this façade—hide his misery behind walls and not let anyone find thrill in breaking him again. He’s supposed to be strong, he’s supposed to be _unbreakable_. But how are you supposed to be strong in front of the person who broke you in the first place?

 

There’s been so much pain recently that he’s not quite sure what happiness even _is_ anymore. Maybe it’s just an illusion, maybe he was just never meant to have it at all.

 

He spends his break talking to his online friend _chamsaes_ while simultaneously scrolling through tumblr. There’s something so interesting about him that Jihoon can’t really seem to put his finger on. Somehow they feel so different yet so similar. He doesn’t expect to understand him but he does, and in turn _chamsaes_ listens to everything he says, even if he’s being super vague about it. He’s one of the only people besides Donghan that Jihoon feels comfortable being more himself around. And it’s kind of weird, that he’s able to be so trusting with a stranger that’s somewhere on the same campus as him yet he still doesn’t know his identity. He could be someone from his old high school for all he knows, but somehow there's a sense of security, like he knows that chamsaes won't do anything to betray him. This kind of faith is a little uncharacteristic, even he knows that. But it doesn't stop him from believing it. 

 

He looks up from his phone when Woojin places a stack of books on his side of the desk.

 

The younger boy tosses his phone onto the table before leaving for what he figures is the bathroom. Jihoon is still texting _chamsaes_ , and is quite surprised when he sees Woojin’s phone lights up the second he sends a message. It’s probably a breach of privacy to look at his phone, but his curiosity at who had the exact same timing as him to send Woojin a message gets the better of him and he peeks over, spinning Woojin’s phone around and looking at the notification.

 

He doesn’t expect this, and he doesn’t want to expect this. He doesn’t want this to be real. But there it is, _his_ SoraChat screen name on _Woojin’s_ phone with the message that he had just sent.

 

Woojin is chamsaes.

 

Woojin.. is _chamsaes_.

 

He’s not even sure if his anger is justifiable at the moment but he feels it anyways. Is Woojin doing this knowingly? Does he know that its Jihoon he’s talking to and is he trying to gain leverage over him again?

 

He knows that Woojin had said that he isn’t the person he was before. But Jihoon doesn’t want to believe that it’s true. He doesn’t want to believe that evil can turn good. Villains were _supposed_ to stay villains, that’s the only way he can feel guiltless about spiting them.

 

Jihoon is beyond the point of civility; all previous thoughts about trusting chamsaes with his stories are thrown out the window when he figures out who he actually is. He lets his emotions get the best of him and does what he thinks is the only solution to this discovery.

 

 

 

He’s going to get revenge on his middle school tormentor.

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon gets home by six every night this week. It’s not desirable but it’s not like he has a choice when Donghan keeps threatening to kick him out onto the streets if he even thinks about coming home at ten in the morning like he had done the previous week. And even though he knows that Donghan would never have the heart to leave him to fend for himself, he feels terrible for making him worry. The tremble in his voice when Jihoon showed up after not coming home the previous night made him instantly regret scaring him like that. Donghan and his family truly care for Jihoon, he’s basically their own son—they had been so worried about him and he hadn’t even thought to call them to assure them that he was alright.

 

But it’s not like he had slept outside that night. He eventually discovered a sauna to rest at, because at least there was no one there who would be pestering him about everything that he didn’t want to talk about.

 

All he had wanted to do that night was let the remaining reality be forced out of his grip, until he was nothing. It’s like he’s fastened to the current but instead of fighting it, he’s just floating; and everyone is so high but he’s too low and there’s no one to balance him out. The more he thinks about it the more he realizes that he is much like a paradox—so lifeless underneath his charming demeanor. One that's held to be so enticing and valiant, but in truth is insatiable beyond his effort to fill himself with short-lived satisfaction.

 

Jihoon looks up from his phone and sees Donghan with his chin propped up against clasped hands, watching him intently. “What are you doing?”

 

“Watching you to make sure you don’t leave the house and not come back again.”

 

Jihoon scoffs, “That’s hardly necessary. I just wasn’t feeling the best that night and I needed to clear my head. I’m good now.”

 

“Are you sure?” Donghan gets up from his spot and drags his chair to Jihoon’s bedside, turning it backwards and sitting down on it, arms coming up to rest on the top of the chair. “Because you’ve been saying that a lot recently and every time it gets a little less convincing.”

 

“Be real, did you _ever_ believe it?”

 

“Nope. I just thought I’d go along with it for a while because I knew you were working hard and I didn’t want to deflate your confidence.”

 

Jihoon sighs, “Am I really that obvious?”

 

“Maybe not to anyone else, but I’ve know you for years, Jihoon. You may think you’re great at putting on this façade for everyone else but I can see right through you.”

 

“Maybe it would have been easier to get a dumber friend.” Jihoon grumbles under his breath, but the sudden noise of a twitter video he accidentally opens up (and almost causes him to drop his phone on his face) might have drowned out the rest of his words.

 

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Donghan sticks out his chest pridefully—he has ears like a bat, that kid. After he finally inflates under Jihoon’s glare, he pokes at the brunette’s knee, “You know what you should do? Keep a diary.”

 

Jihoon’s expression is a cross between puzzlement and distaste, to which Donghan rolls his eyes.

 

“Fine, call it a journal if you’re so turned off by that word. Why does everyone hate the word diary?”

 

“Because it implies that the content is disgusting cheesy shit about love and I’m not sure that’s what I want to be doing in my free time.” Jihoon states, voice distinctly disparaging.

 

“Okay well, journal it is, then. And it’s not a place to talk in detail about your hookups.” Donghan grimaces as he says it, “I just thought that if you’re not willing to talk to me about what’s bothering you, maybe you can start by writing them down somewhere. And I promise I won’t intrude, it’s for your eyes only.”

 

Jihoon considers it thoughtfully, it isn’t a _horrible_ idea. Maybe writing some of his thoughts down instead of bottling it all up in his mind could be good for him. He gives Donghan a dismissive wave, wanting to get back to scrolling through twitter uninterrupted. “I’ll think about it.”

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon ends up writing a few paragraphs every day. They’re hidden in the back of his environmental studies notebook that he knows he’ll never reach the end of. He doesn’t expect to get this into it, but somehow it manages to weave itself naturally into his nightly routine. Every night before he packs up his study materials for the day, he remembers to flip to the end of his notebook and write a few sentences about his day, who he talked to and how he felt. There was also a lot of complaining about Woojin and he might have been a little petty but it’s not like he ever plans to say any of it out loud. Maybe. Just as long as he wasn't being a prick. Was that even possible?

 

Talking to Woojin as winkly is—to say the very least—quite troublesome. And Jihoon doesn’t know _how_ , but Woojin notices the shift. For someone he’d expected to be so oblivious, he’s quick to catch onto a change in their dynamic, even if it’s just through text.

 

It’s even more awkward when Woojin texts him while they’re together in the library. And maybe that’s why he’s caught on, since Jihoon now has to take his time in replying to make sure he doesn’t look too suspicious if his timing with his phone matches his texts with Woojin. Maybe that’s just him overthinking, but it’s not in his agenda to get caught—not before he can find something incriminating that he can use against him.

 

Woojin sits across from him, scanning through books, writing down notes, and checking his phone every once in a while. Jihoon hides himself behind his laptop, keeping his phone on silent so his notifications don’t _ding_ every time Woojin sends a message. He’d been able to successfully get Woojin to open up more, most of the things he talks about are events from high school, but nothing too hard hitting. It’s a little frustrating—until he had found out about chamsaes identity, Jihoon had grown to enjoy talking to him. He was intriguing—a mystery, but Jihoon had figured (or, perhaps for a more proper depiction, stuck his nose into something that wasn’t his business) it out all too soon and boy, did that outcome _fizzle_. And now he’s all sorts of confused because he _wants_ to like chamsaes but he knows who he is and he’s _supposed_ to hate him—there’s really no other way he should feel. He dreads the fact that he’s so easy to talk to, and that he might even still enjoy it. He tries to forget about the fact that he's Woojin and only thinks of him as a stranger, just his online friend that he can talk to once in a while when he's bored. It becomes increasingly harder as Woojin becomes more playful and Jihoon has to stop himself from laughing at the things he says. At some point Jihoon had started to act more comfortable again and they soon fell into their usual dynamic.

 

 **_chamsaes_ ** _: the dayside café is probably /the/ coldest place on campus I swear_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: im like always there because it's the only place I can find a place to sit for lunch between classes and its literally a freezer_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: wait I shouldn’t have told you that I go there,,_

**_winkly_ ** _: lol its ok I won’t try to find u :p_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: why not, I thought you were gonna go all sherlock holmes on me_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: omg is this a ruse are you just making me think that you’re not gonna try to find me_

**_winkly_ ** _: ok calm down mr. paranoia lol I have better things to do than go on a sparrow hunt_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: offensive,, other people would love the chance to find me :///_

****

**_winkly_ ** _: u kept telling me u don’t want me to know who u are_

**_winkly_ ** _: stop being wishy washy its stressing me out_

****

**_chamsaes_ ** _: fine don’t find me I’ll stay hidden forever_

**_winkly_ ** _: I rly rLY don’t understand u_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: I told you im the greatest mystery of all_

**_winkly_ ** _: u spelt headache wrong_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: shut up_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: but just to be sure, im gonna stay low and hang out somewhere else for a while_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: you’ll never find me ha_

**_winkly_ ** _: what if u bump into me while trying to find somewhere else_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: even worse what if you’re always at the dayside café too and now that I’ve told you you’re gonna look for the person who frequents it o.o_

**_winkly_ ** _: okay that’s highly unlikely, I doubt you’d be able to /not/ notice my presence_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: I mean it’s not like we know what each other looks like, it could be possible_

**_winkly_ ** _: well,, I guess_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: YOU’RE THROWING ME OFF you’re so sketchy im gonna ditch that café for the time being_

**_winkly_ ** _: ur so dramatic honestly_

Woojin’s voice cuts in and takes his attention away from his phone, “Read over this paragraph, I think it might be good to put in the presentation.” He slides his notebook towards Jihoon before beginning to pack the rest of his stuff up after checking the time. Jihoon tries to scan the page but the writing is a little messy and he can’t make out a few of the words.

 

“Did you write this with your foot?”

 

“What?” Woojin snaps, grabbing at his last pencil more harshly.

 

“I can barely read this, it would be easier if you had typed it up instead.”

 

“Well I forgot my laptop today and I didn’t want to run back to my dorm to get it.”

 

Jihoon sighs, sliding the notebook back. “You’re the root of every problem, aren’t you?” He watches as Woojin pauses at his words, his face falling and his eyes darting back and forth across the table. Jihoon can’t seem to figure out why he’s suddenly gone quiet. He sees the furrow of the younger’s brows, the way he winces and the little gasp that escapes his mouth before he starts to visibly breath heavier and wipes his hands on his pants. Woojin lifts his hands to rub at his temples roughly, eyes closed shut as if he’s trying to get something out of his mind.

 

“U-um, I’d better.. go..” He says slowly, Jihoon sees a slight shudder in his body before he picks up his bag and heads straight for the exit. Jihoon stares at the now empty spot in front of him in confusion. He’s not quite sure what just happened, all he knows is that the wounded expression on Woojin’s face was a lot less satisfying that he thought it would be.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 _there's no salvation_  
_no hero dressed in white_  
_just me wrapped up in darkness  
_ _and stripped of my light_

 

 

 

It takes Woojin hours to fall asleep. Daehwi is on an air mattress next to his bed but he still feels so alone. A cloud of black smoke comes to taunt him, and this time it comes back with a voice—snide and scornful.

 

_No one is going to forgive you. They’re all too good for you, you don’t deserve anyone. All you’ve done is run away, it's too late now._

 

There are things in his dream that seem so real, but he doesn’t remember any of it. He can’t recall much about his childhood, yet this particular dream seems to be screaming at him. Screaming at him to _remember_ something. And there’s that voice again in his head but he can’t quite remember whose it is and why it’s so daunting.

 

_“You know that boys don’t cry, Woojin. Don’t you remember what I told you? Only weak boys cry. Are you weak, Woojin?”_

_“N-no, I’m s-sorry..”_

_“What did I tell you about stuttering?! Speak properly! Now are you going to listen to me or are you gonna continue to be a disappointment?”_

 

He tosses and turns, but the voice won’t stop. It gets louder and vicious, it’s tearing him apart and he doesn’t even know why.

 

_“You’re the root of every problem, aren’t you Woojin?”_

He feels like there are shards of glass being pressed hard against him, there’s a weird tingly sensation running through his body but he can’t quite wake himself up from the nightmare. The fear grows bigger and his heart is racing.

 

 _“Listen to me, Woojin! You are not going to grow up in this household if you date a boy. This is wrong, Woojin._ You _are wrong. Snap out of it! I didn’t raise you to be like this!”_

Before a hand can come down on him he jolts up in his bed, in a disarray of emotions with a gasp so loud that it wakes up Daehwi. The cloud of smoke, still black and blood-curling, crawls up his spine and wraps unrelentingly around him, until he can’t remember what oxygen is and why he needs it. It digs its roots deep into his stomach, toxic, deadly, and ceaseless. He clutches at his chest, heaving for air and Daehwi rushes up to his side, frantically patting his back and asking him if he’s okay. He runs to get a glass of water and helps him drink. He whispers ‘deep breaths, deep breaths’ as he slowly manages to bring him back to his senses until he’s finally able to breathe evenly again.

 

There are tears streaming down his face and a rush of memories come flooding into his mind. Her face, her anger, her disappointment. The voice is his _mother’s_.  

 

“Hey, hey. Calm down it’s okay, you’re fine.” Daehwi whispers as he rubs circles on his back, his soothing voice is the only thing keeping Woojin relatively calm. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Woojin doesn’t want to tell him, he _really_ doesn’t. But there’s only so much he can handle by himself and it won’t be long until he breaks completely.

 

“I— I’ve always hated myself. And everything I’ve ever done as a kid. But ever since I moved there’s been this hollow place in my mind that I could never seem to fill. It wasn’t sure if it was just the absence of useless memories or if they were actually important. But lately I’ve been remembering things that seem so _real_ , but they’re things that I don’t remember happening before—“ His voice is shaky but Daehwi continues to listen thoughtfully—it breaks his heart.

 

“After the move I’ve never had much recollection of my time with my mother before she passed away. I was never sure why though, I remembered things that my dad had said to me, so I was confused about why I couldn’t remember much about my mother. I liked to believe she was a good person, up until now I really thought she was but—“ Woojin swallows down the lump in his throat, his eyes watering up again, “I think they’ve slowly been coming back to me and I think—I think she hated me.”

 

“What makes you say that?” Daehwi questions quietly. It’s so hard for Woojin to continue, especially when he knows all he’s gonna end on tonight is disappointment. From Daehwi, and then form everyone he’s ever loved and everyone who ever thought that they loved him. What was he thinking? He could never be loved—not by his parents, not by anyone.

 

“My memory has always been a little hazy, I couldn’t remember much about her for so long. But recently I think some memories that I may have repressed are coming back to me a-and I don’t know how to feel about this.. I really tried to make myself believe she loved me before she died and that she was only strict because she cared but—“

 

Then Woojin realizes how lacking his room is of any signs of her. He hadn't even thought about it, how he didn't have a single picture of him with his family placed on his desk or framed on his wall, not a single trace of her. How could he ever think that she loved him when there were no signs of him loving her?

 

His mind wanders back to his childhood, and it starts to make sense—why Woojin didn't have any memory of his mother.

_Woojin was only 10 when he had first questioned his attraction towards other people. Crushes were hardly anything new by the seventh grade, he watched the people in his class ask each other to school dances all of the time. He never really thought about it before, but something about watching the couples at school dances intrigued him_ — _he wondered when he’d come to feel that way about someone too._

_He met a boy named Janghyun halfway into the seventh grade, and he liked him. He was cute and nice and he would always eat lunch with Woojin. They had spent most of their time together, playing video games and watching movies at Janghyun’s house. Woojin had started to think he was finally understanding what a crush felt like, and it sort of excited him._

_His family had sat down for dinner one night, mostly in silence as per usual besides his parents asking him how he was doing in school._

_“I made a new friend who I really like.” Woojin says with a smile._

_“Oh, you’ve found a girl you like?”_

_“No, he’s a boy and he’s really nice and we play video games at his house a lot_ —“

 

_He’d been interrupted by his mother, who was looking at him with narrowed eyes. “Wait, a boy? You mean you like him as a friend, right?”_

_Woojin’s face scrunched in confusion, wondering why it was easy for them to accept that he might have liked a girl but questioning his feelings when they found out it was a boy. “N-no, I don’t think so. I’m—“_

_“Go to your room.” His mother had placed her cutlery down, napkin wiping at her mouth and her face had suddenly turned cold._

_“W-what?”_

_“I said go to your room! I’ll have a talk with you later.”_

_He wasn’t sure why he’d been sent to his room, he hadn’t even done anything wrong. It wasn’t like he was being rude or disrespectful, in fact, he thought his parents would be overjoyed that he was willing to share something like this to them. He wasn’t sure other kids would to talk to their parents about these sort of things. All he wanted to do was tell someone about the new fluttery feelings he was experiencing._

_Woojin had sat on his bed anxiously, the look on his mother’s face was rather jarring_ — _he’d always thought she was rather calm most of the time, barely graced with expression. But that night, he might have seen anger, and he couldn’t help but feel unsettled._

_The door to his room opened and he fiddled with his fingers as his mother approached him slowly, kneeling on the ground in front of him._

_“The joke you tried to pull at dinner today wasn’t very funny, Woojin.” His mother had said sternly. Woojin could only look at her in confusion._

_“What do you mean? It wasn’t a joke..”_

_“It’s wrong, Woojin! You don’t know what you’re talking about! You’re too young to understand your feelings, you don’t like this boy! Do you hear me?” Woojin stayed quiet, tears forming and threatening to spill out._

_“Do you hear me?!”_

_“Y-yes..” A tear had escaped as her yelling got louder. She had extended a hand to wipe it harshly off of his face._

_“Boys don’t cry, remember that. You are not allowed to cry.” She stood up, towering over him and Woojin had started to fear her even more. “Now repeat after me: Boys only like girls.”_

_He didn’t want to, he knew what he was feeling and he wasn’t too young to understand it. He knew he liked Janghyun. Was there really something wrong with him?_

_“Are you even listening to me Woojin? I said repeat after me!”_

_Woojin gulped, picking at the skin near his index finger until he started to bleed. “But I do like him...”_

_“You’re so selfish! Are you not going to think about how this will affect your father and I? Everyone will make fun of you, they’ll call you disgusting. Do you even care about how we would feel?” He’d been so torn, maybe she was right. He was only thinking about himself, he had to think about his family. “Now say it.”_

_Woojin sniffled as he wiped the rest of his tears away, “B-boys only like girls.”_

 

 

Woojin is finally at his breaking point, the last string he had been using to hold himself together had finally snapped. He lets the sobs choke out and buries his face into his hands, trembling in Daehwi’s arms. “She hated me. I-I was a horrible person and she hated me. And she was right I don’t— I don’t deserve to be loved. She told me everything I did was wrong and that I’m always the problem. I was selfish and I only cared about myself. All I am to everyone is a disappointment. All I am is a monster..”

 

_You’re pathetic, a complete waste of space. No one cares about you, do everyone a favor and just disappear._

 

The voice in his head isn’t even his mother’s anymore, it’s just him. He’s all alone with the demon in his mind and he’s letting it convince him. It steals his peace of mind until there's nothing left but a grim cycle of hopelessness. Because hope is a closed door without a key, and now all it is is just a wall. His attempts to escape are useless, how do you even escape your own mind? 

 

“Don’t say that, Woojin!” Daehwi brings his face up to look at him, hands holding him up in all of his sorrow. “I know she might have been your family but if she treated you like that then you weren’t the one who was wrong, _she_ was.”

 

“You don’t understand! You don’t know how—how terrible I was to someone back in middle school.” Woojin sobs into his hands. This is it, the moment he’s going to lose his best friend. “I was a _bully_ , Daehwi. I picked on a kid because he was gay and everyone around me had constantly drilled into my brain that it was wrong and that people like him weren’t normal. T-they yelled at me and guilt-tripped me and ridiculed me until I finally agreed with them just to stop the threats. I thought that, maybe if I was a better son, my parents might love me. And so I tried—I tried to be the perfect son who ever only talked about girls and I forced myself to never stutter and never, ever cry. My stupid, vulnerable twelve-year-old self listened to everything the boys in my grade had told me about him. That he was different and that he was disgusting. And I believed them. I believe them because they said everything that my mother had said to me and so I followed their orders. But I _ruined_ him. I—I outed him out to his father, Jihoon lost his family because of me! How did I ever think there wouldn’t have been consequences? I’m.. I’m a fucking monster.. and that’s all I’ll ever be.”

 

There’s a long silence and Woojin can’t bear look at Daehwi but he knows the disappointment is there, he _feels_ it. There’s only one way to deal with people like him and it’s to leave him to be a sad, miserable wreck for the rest of his life. Daehwi is gonna leave him, and Youngmin, and Donghyun. They’re all he has and now he'll have no one.

 

“Woojin, I know—I know that you think you deserve to beat yourself up about this, and it definitely was the wrong thing to do, but that was a long time ago. Your mother she was.. she was manipulating you. And so were those other boys. You didn’t deserve that either, you were under pressure and you didn’t know what else to do.”

 

Woojin sniffles, bringing his knees up to his chest to hug at his legs, the voice that comes out of his mouth is still wobbly and congested. “Doesn’t mean it makes it any less horrible..”

 

“No, it doesn’t.” Daehwi pauses, “But you know you were wrong, and you feel remorse, that’s more that a lot of bullies can bring themselves to do.”

 

Woojin hates this feeling, he’s so torn. He’s not sure how Daehwi even has the heart to comfort him after he’s told him every ugly thing about his past, he doesn’t deserve it. That’s all he can tell himself over and over again.

 

Daehwi continues when Woojin doesn’t speak, “You can’t change the past, but you what you _can_ do is apologize. And it won’t have to matter whether he accepts it or not. Because at least you did it, and maybe it’s what you both need, to finally both move on.”

 

The sound that comes out of his mouth is supposed to be a laugh but it seems to be far from it, seeing the great deal of concern on Daehwi’s face. “How can you stand talking to me after I’ve told you the horrible things I’ve done..” He speaks quietly, voice hoarse from the sobbing and he’s way past the point of being a mess. He’s a complete eyesore in shambles, the biggest form of chaos.

 

And Daehwi does something even more unexpected. The younger wraps his arms around him, letting them both fall back onto his pillow and nuzzles his nose into his chest. The tears fall even harder it makes him lightheaded. Daehwi is _hugging_ him when he should be doing anything but that. He should be yelling at him and criticizing him for being a horrible person, because that’s what everyone else had done to him growing up—so often that he doesn’t even know how to react when people don’t. How are you supposed to react to people showing you unconditional love even after you’ve bared all of your flaws and mistakes?

 

“I know who you are, Woojin. Who you were back then doesn't define who you are now and the person you’ll continue to be. You’re not the person you were back then. I know that, and everyone who loves you knows who you are.”

 

“You don’t hate me..?” Woojin asks slowly, hands still at his sides because he’s expecting Daehwi to retreat at any moment, and if Daehwi were to leave while he tried onto hold him, he thinks that would break his heart even more. Daehwi only continues to hug him tighter though, almost that Woojin can’t breathe for a bit because the younger is quite literally crushing his ribs and he doesn’t want to ruin the moment.

 

“Well, I’ve always hated you. But I think the love beats it out by just a _little_ bit more.” Woojin finally allows his arms to relax around the younger, face resting in the comfort of his soft hair and the peacefulness of his quiet-breathing.

 

“I really, really don’t deserve you.” Woojin mumbles into his hair, his eyes feeling droopy and weighed down from the tears.

 

“Oh honey, no one does.”

 

Daehwi means so much to Woojin, more than he could ever put into words. And he'll never in this lifetime be able to thank him enough for the place he has in his life, and the people he introduced him to. His family had never truly felt like his family, just two people who were inconvenienced with his existence. But Daehwi, Youngmin, and Donghyun—they _are_ his family. They’re his safe haven, a place to go to when everything feels wrong in the world. Youngmin is dad jokes, dance battles and play wrestling. Donghyun is home-cooked food, loving hugs and soft smiles. Daehwi is bickering and teasing, cozy and warm, and he feels like _home_.

 

 

And Woojin has never known a home, not until Daehwi.

 

 

 

 

 

He wakes up the next afternoon without Daehwi beside him, but he hears a few hushed voices near his desk. He sits up a little too quickly, that the headache hits him all at once.

 

“Oh hey, you’re awake.” He hears Donghyun’s mothering voice and feels the side of his bed sink down as the older sits on it. He blinks hard to regain his vision and watches as Donghyun opens a thermos and hands it to him.

 

“Donghyun made you your favorite soup, corn and crab.” Youngmin says from behind him, coming closer to run his fingers through Woojin’s fringe.

 

“What are you doing here?” He asks, voice still raspy from having just woken up. Donghyun grabs his hands and wraps them around the thermos, bringing it up to his lips. Woojin complies, gulping down the warmth of his favorite homemade soup that he didn’t know he had missed so much until now.

 

“Daehwi told us you were having a rough night.” Youngmin sits down too, voice more serious that Woojin is used to whenever the two are together. “We don’t know exactly what happened, but we’re here if you want to tell us about it. Don’t forget that we’re your family too, okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Donghyun pipes up, “Let it all out if you need to, we’re right here if you need us.”

 

“We let you sleep in and skip class for the day, but just this once, okay? This is the last time you’re allowed to miss school!”

 

“I went to your bio and psychology classes and asked around for today’s notes.” Youngmin pulls out his phone and shows him the pictures he had taken of a student’s notebook. “I’ll send them to you right now!” Woojin thinks that if wasn't all cried up, there would be tears streaming down his face again. Yet again he’s reminded of all of the love he’s surrounded by—something that was so foreign back when he was a child, he was practically drowning in right now. There’s only warmth and comfort. Woojin doesn’t need to see fire crackling in a fireplace, or listen to the television in the background or smell coffee brewing in the kitchen, he doesn’t need all of the things that make a house, all he has to do is listen to his friends’ voices and he’s home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Youngmin had talked to at least eight different people that morning. He had stood outside of Woojin’s morning classes, waiting for the students to file out so he could bring one of the aside to ask if he could take pictures of their notes for Woojin. A few had rushed out of his grip, saying they needed to get to their next class. He was thankful when a girl finally stopped and lent him her notebook for a few minutes. He had done the same a couple hours later after his psychology class, being rejected by annoyed and probably sleep deprived kids before one of them was finally nice enough to comply (or maybe just too nice to walk away.)_

_He hadn’t known exactly why Woojin was in this state—Daehwi had texted him this morning telling him that Woojin wouldn’t be going to school today, that he had cried last night. And it doesn’t come as completely surprising to him, being that the boy had been quite snappy and closed off the last two weeks. So whatever it was, Youngmin knew that he had to give into Daehwi’s convincing and run around to try and help his friend catch up on everything he would miss._

_“Youngmin!” A voice called out behind him. He turned around to see Ong Seongwoo, an acquaintance in his year, jogging up to him._

_“Hey, Seongwoo. What’s up?”_

_“I was just wondering if you knew where Woojin has been the past month. His favorite burger misses him.” He chuckled, slightly out of breath._

_“Oh, has he not been to the diner recently?”_

_Seongwoo shook his head, “Nope. Not after the last time I saw him. He’d gotten into a fight—well not really a fight but there was some guy getting mad at him and he left in a hurry. Didn’t even stay to eat. I followed him out to check on him but when I caught up to him he was on a bench with his hand clutching at his chest. He was having a hard time breathing and I had to run and get him some water. It scared the hell out of me. So I just wanted to make sure he’s okay, after that had happened.”_

_That had been news to Youngmin. Woojin hadn’t told them about an argument in the diner that night, nor the fact that he was having trouble breathing shortly after. “Did you find out why he couldn’t breathe?”_

_“Looked like a panic attack to me,” Seongwoo paused, “Does he have a history of them?”_

_Youngmin’s brows knitted in thought, Woojin hadn’t told him about ever having any panic attacks. Maybe he’d just never witnessed one. ‘Not that I know of.”_

_‘Oh, well it’s good to find out just in case something like that happens again, you know.”_

_Youngmin nodded slowly, “Right.”_

_“Well, tell him that when he decides to stop by again his next meal is on me.” Seongwoo waved, “See ya!”_

_He knew that Woojin was never great at expressing his feelings, and even though he knew about the younger’s anxiety, he had never considered that he might be prone to anxiety attacks. His lips pursed tensely in concern. He called up Donghyun to check on how the cooking was going; they had both agreed to let Woojin stay in his room for the day but they didn’t want him being alone without a good meal. Woojin and Daehwi were really like their own kids, there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for them. Except maybe something illegal—but then again, Woojin had great persuasion skills and Youngmin was a tad bit gullible._

_Wait, no, definitely nothing illegal. Him going around getting Woojin’s notes was probably the best they would get from him._

 

 

 

 

Woojin dreads having to see Jihoon the next day in the library, especially after their last meeting had triggered memories of his mother. He hates remembering the feeling of his lungs churning, his body trembling and the detachedness he felt from his surroundings as he walks towards their table. He hates the choking feeling he had gotten when Jihoon had uttered the same words his mother used to say to him. He had repressed those memories for so long, and in the span of a few weeks they all came rushing into his mind, feeding on his conscience and making him feel even guiltier than he already did. He thinks he much rather preferred the hollow pain to this crushing of his lungs as her face, her voice comes to mind.

 

He had only ever had panic attacks when he was in his own room, away from the judging eyes of others. But twice in the past two months had he been stopped in public because he felt so numb he couldn’t even stand. He hates being in the library, he just wants to stay home where no one can see him and where he can’t see anyone else.

 

And on top of it all, the guilt that hits him when he sees Jihoon and remembers every single thing that he had ever done to the boy is excruciating. It pains him even more now that he remembers that he was just like him. They were dealing with the same things but he had still made it so hard on him, he had broken him, he had taken him away from his home. He doesn’t think he could ever forgive _himself_ for it, no matter how manipulated he was.

 

He always thought that he wanted to go back in time to fix his mistakes, to undo all of the bad that he did. But then he thinks that he never wants to experience that torture again, he might actually be selfish, but he's hurting too. 

 

 

 

Jihoon keeps his mouth shut when he sees Woojin walking towards their usual table. He had spent the entirety of the last two nights dwelling on why Woojin had looked so.. scared? He’s not even sure what exactly he had been feeling, but he knows it might have been his words that hit a soft spot. He doesn’t want to be sympathetic, but he can’t help it. And it’s a little distressing. It’s not like he wants to spend his entire night thinking about Woojin and what he might be going through. He sure as hell didn’t deserve even his _pity_ after what had happened. Jihoon blames Donghan for being too gentle, he must have rubbed off on him over the years.

 

Not a single word is spoken for the next three hours, and it’s unnerving to Jihoon, more than he needs it to be. He needs to be focusing on putting together their slideshow that he had admittedly been slacking off on but he can’t when Woojin is right in front of him and is possibly still rattled by the night before. He looks so shattered; he looks exactly like _him_.

 

It’s ten minutes before their usual pack up time when he finally hears Woojin’s voice. “I’m..” Jihoon looks up and attempts to recoil from the split second of shock that crosses his features, “I’m sorry.”

 

His eyes widen and he doesn’t even try to hide it this time. _Did he just apologize?_

Woojin takes a deep breath before speaking again, “I know that this is the most overdue apology in like the history of apologies but.. it’s been on my conscience for the longest time and I can’t let it go on for any longer." The younger chews on his lip to the point where Jihoon can see a small trickle of blood, “I’m sorry for every time I had pushed you or used a derogatory term or laughed at you. Not letting you come out on your own terms was the shittiest possible thing I could have ever done and it haunts me every day. I know I don’t deserve forgiveness, I’m far from even forgiving myself, but I just thought that you deserved to hear it.”

 

The silence in his pause is deafening and Jihoon holds his breath, “I was stupid and I let myself fall into the pressures of my family and of the kids at school and I should have been stronger than that. And it’s even worse because really, I was just like you. And you might not have wanted to hear that but it’s just a little.. unfathomable to me, that I knew how alike we were but I still found it in me to hurt you like that, _especially_ after I had experienced it myself.

 

“I really wish I could make it up to you in some way, but I also know that you probably hate the sight of me and you don’t want anything to do with me after this project is done, so before we part ways soon, I really wanted to say this.”

 

Jihoon doesn’t stop him when he walks away, he doesn’t do anything. He just sits there, unmoving. There’s an annoying pang of his heart that isn’t quite physical but not fully metaphorical either. He despises it, the fact that Woojin had done the one thing Jihoon had never expected him to do—that he had never _wanted_ him to do because all he wanted to do was hold Woojin accountable for everything bad that happened and continued to happen in his life, it’s the only thing keeping him from blaming himself for not allowing himself to be happy.

 

The thought only seems to affirm itself after he comes home after midnight with alcohol on his breath and Donghan is tired and aggravated.

 

“Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Are you really that unhappy?”

 

Jihoon giggles ironically, “When have I ever been happy?”

 

“That’s just it, Jihoon! My family and I have done everything we can for you! We’ve given you so much love and support, we tried so hard to become a new home for you, people who you could come to when you were sad and make you feel better. But you don’t seem to appreciate anything that we do anymore. Are we really not enough for you? Do you want to keep hurting?”

 

Only then does it really hit him. Does he relish in his sorrow? Does he enjoy the fact that there’s always someone worrying or caring about him as long as he continues to suffer? Now that he thinks about it, maybe Donghan is right. He had so many things to be grateful for. Even if he had lost his father all those years ago, he practically had a family who took him in without even being asked to, and they fed him and loved him and supported him. Had he ever thanked them for it? Had he ever really shown Donghan how much he appreciated everything he had done for him? He knows that Donghan tries so hard to keep him whole, but Jihoon starts to feel like maybe he’s the one knocking himself over again. Maybe he just wants to constantly relive the feeling of someone picking up the pieces and putting him back together.

 

Donghan tucks him in once again, sitting by his bedside like he always does, and Jihoon never says a thing. He hears the younger sigh, the exasperation is quite evident, “Do you want to be happy?”

 

He thinks about it. He thinks until it hurts and the only thing he can come up with is, “I don’t know how..”

 

 

There’s so much to be happy about but Jihoon still isn’t happy. And he hates that he doesn’t know why.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> attack me i deserve it ;;


	4. Chapter 4

 3. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 _you’re trying to stitch together  
_ _the scars that bleed your name_

Jihoon feels like his mind is an ocean—a constant wave of emotions that he can’t keep up with. One second it’s a storm, hate howling like the wind, and then another second it’s a calm tide, where he’s not really sure _what_ he’s feeling but he has a feeling it won’t last long enough for him to take a deep enough breath. He’s not sure which one he prefers—standing under dark clouds seems like the only way to convince himself that he’s not the one stunting his growth, but once it passes he doesn’t want it to come back—he doesn’t want the clouds to _win_. He wants to yell at himself until he’s able to drill into his mind that it’s possible to be happy, if only he’d give himself the chance to try.

 

And one night he’s resolved. He musters up the courage to throw his useless pride away and ask Donghan for help because he's far more put together than anyone else he knows.

 

“Hey,” Jihoon starts quietly from his side of their room, growing more anxious as Donghan looks up from his laptop. He shifts on his bed into a cross-legged position, “Let’s say, hypothetically, that someone received an apology from someone they used to hate, and it felt genuine. Should they thank them? Or just accept that they did it and move on? Or try to talk to them? Does it make them seem easy if they want to try and put years of hate behind them all because of one apology?”

 

He knows he’s rambling but Donghan hasn’t cut him off yet and at this point he doesn’t even know how to stop himself. “Should I like.. try to get back at him? Wait that would make me a dick wouldn’t it—“ Then he realizes he’s gone into first person instead of his hypothetical third person questions and _dammit_ he’s caught.

 

“Is this about Woojin?” Donghan closes his laptop and moves to sit at the edge of his own bed. Jihoon’s forehead creases, mouth set in a hard line. “Did he apologize?”

 

Jihoon nods slowly. Donghan looks contemplative, “Was it a good apology? Like he didn’t just leave it at ‘I’m sorry’?”

 

The brunette falls back onto his pillow with a groan, “No, it was literally like a minute-long apology and it was.. honest, I’m not sure how to feel anymore? Like, I’ve always portrayed him as the devil in my mind but honestly, he looked just as troubled about it. He looked really _guilty_.”

 

“You know, it’s not a bad idea to forgive him and move on, especially since he did apologize. It would have been harder to forgive and forget if he hadn’t but he did, and I think that's an indication that both of you are still hung up on it and this may be the closure you need.”

 

Jihoon draws his lower lip between his teeth, “You don’t.. you don’t think I’d be weak for forgiving him?”

 

Donghan gets up to put a hand on his shoulder, “I think you’re strong for wanting to put it behind you and make peace.”

 

He thinks about it for longer than he should, so long that he ends up falling asleep on the thought.

 

 

 

 

Chamsaes still talks to him once in a while, and once in a while it’s _Jihoon_ that starts the conversation. Sometimes Jihoon forgets who he actually is. Way too many times chamsaes has him laughing out loud with his witty banter, a humor much like his own. He wants to like him, he really does. It often has him wondering if they hadn’t had a past like they did, would they have been good friends? Could they still be?

 

**_winkly_ ** _: hey how are u_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: I could be better_

**_winkly_ ** _: what’s up?_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: would you mind if I just_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: ranted for a bit?_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: my best friend is at a late night exam prep and I kind of just want to let something out_

**_winkly_ ** _: im all ears_

**_winkly_ ** _: well,, all eyes technically_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: so there’s this guy I’ve known for a long time and he just showed up again_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: but the thing is, I used to pick on him when we were kids_

 

Jihoon’s breath hitches when he realizes Woojin is about to talk about _him_.

 

 

 **_chamsaes_ ** _: and im not that kind of person anymore, trust me I regret it so much the guilt eats me alive every day_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: and I know that he has every right to hate me, bc honestly I hate myself too_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: but I really just want to make amends?? Like maybe we won’t ever get to be friends_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: but idk, I just_ _—_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: it’s not even out of pity or obligation out of guilt or anything I just genuinely want to make it up to him??_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: and tbh I’m kind of a little worried about him, he looks so tired all the time, I don’t think he gets enough sleep and_

**_chamsaes_ ** _: idk is it weird that I care like would it seem fake to him if I tried to be acquaintances?_

 

 

Jihoon has never been more conflicted. What’s worse is that he feels that Woojin is genuine, even though he keeps trying to tell himself not to fall for it. He’s not even sure what he’s supposed to say to him; if he tells him it’s weird then things will be even more awkward between them, but if he tells him to go for it, he’s putting that on himself. Does he want to make amends with him? Is he finally tired of being angry? After eight full minutes of typing and deleting various replies, he finally hits send:

 

 **_winkly_ ** _: Idk I think it might be worth a shot to try and make amends_

 

They present their slideshow two days later. Woojin stumbles over his first few sentences, but for the most part it goes smoothly. Jihoon hasn’t had much trouble speaking in front of his classes since junior year, he figures his charade of faking confidence eventually became real confidence. And the more he had become detached from the people around him, the easier it was to care less about how they viewed him.

 

After the period ends Jihoon realizes they don’t have any reason to see each other anymore, and he doesn’t know if it’s relief or disappointment he’s feeling.

 

Woojin comes up to him after people start to file out of the class, “Good job today.”

 

Jihoon nods amiably, “You too.” Woojin lingers for a while, looking a tad bit unsure of what to do next.

 

“I know we’re finished our project and everything,” Woojin starts, tone deliberately conversational, “and you probably don’t want to see me after this,” He pauses, biting down on his tongue while seemingly debating whether or not he should continue. “but I think I enjoy your company while I’m studying, so I’ll be in our usual spot if you ever want to.. _exist_ in the seat in front of me.”

 

There’s an awkward beat of silence before Woojin decides to walk away, but Jihoon catches a glimpse of the red tips of his ears before he can. He’s still in a state of shock himself, until he remembers his conversation with chamsaes and how he said he had wanted to try and make amends. Maybe this was a good thing? Jihoon knows that they’re far from becoming friends, there’s still so many years of emotional instability behind them, but he thinks that he’s tired of being mad. This could be his chance to finally get on the path to fixing himself, and for once, he might actually want to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two days after the presentation, Woojin finds himself in their usual corner in the library after his dance practice, mind set on getting in some studying for his statistics class. The table is empty when he gets there, and he doesn’t hide the fact that he’s a little disappointed. He doesn’t know why he thought Jihoon would show up, especially after everything they’ve been through. He may have apologized and tried to make things better, but in the end it was up to Jihoon to decide whether or not he wanted to accept his peace offering.

 

He goes on as usual, tapping away at his calculator to solve long and dreadful word problems. It’s even more quiet than usual at this time of night—in the afternoon there were usually students bustling around the bookshelves and making conversation. At one point he becomes so aware that there isn’t any background noise that it starts to bug him. It’s so quiet that he gets distracted thinking about how quiet it is. He spends so long trying to figure out where some sudden distant buzzing noise is coming from that he almost doesn’t notice the figure plopping himself in the seat in front of him.

 

Jihoon is here. Jihoon is sitting in front of him and he’s not looking at him but he’s still here. And maybe he’s only here to carry out his own agenda and the seat in front of Woojin happens to be the only available seat in the library but he still feels the tiniest bit happy. He doesn’t let it show on his face though, trying his hardest to keep a straight face despite the other boy still refusing to spare him a glance.

 

It’s every kind of awkward, but he thinks it’s progress. And that’s all Woojin can hope for.

 

 

Apparently it isn’t a one-time thing either, because as the month goes on Woojin finds himself at the same table every second night after dance practice, with Jihoon quietly studying right in front of him. They don't say much; in fact, they hardly speak at all. But the atmosphere isn’t as suffocating as it used to be. Woojin doesn’t feel the occasional glares anymore, and maybe it’s just hopeful thinking, but he doesn’t feel the hate either. He’s not quite sure what they are, or if they’re anything at all. He wants to convince himself that he’s okay with them being nothing more than acquaintances, but there’s a tugging at his mind that wants to expect more.

 

 

 

One day near the beginning of November, Jihoon finally speaks to him.

 

“Do you have the notes from yesterday’s class?” His brain short-circuits when his voice cuts through; it’s unexpected that for a while Woojin wonders if he might have just imagined it. Jihoon waves a hand in front of him three times, and only on the third does he manage to snap out of it. “For history?”

 

“Oh,” he scrambles to open up his e-mail and sends the document to him. “I just sent it.”

 

“Thanks.” And like that their conversation is over. He says about four words to him that entire night but the whole time he had been wary of his presence and was wondering if he was going to speak to him again or whether not he should initiate the conversation this time.

 

 _Next time, next time I’ll say something_.

 

The next time they meet is on a Monday night, Woojin is running late because Taehyun had added an extra hour to their dance practice because the competitions were coming up. Jihoon is there before him, but he’s fallen asleep against a cute pink neck pillow. Woojin doesn’t even think to wonder why he had brought a neck pillow to the library, but the sight is kind of endearing. His mouth is slightly agape, head tilted so far that Woojin thinks he might wake himself up from falling over. Jihoon almost does, and he flushes crimson when he realizes Woojin is looking at him amusedly.

 

“You saw nothing.” He mumbles, clearing his throat in what he thinks is a calm, dignified manner but Woojin is still trying to stifle a grin.

 

“Hmm, I think I saw _something_..” Jihoon shushes him right away and Woojin finally breaks into a small smile that he has to hide by looking down pretending to text someone. They lapse back into a silence that’s not quite comfortable but it’s not very awkward either. It’s kind of nice, in a progressive way. He doesn’t except more, but he thinks that at some point he might not want to expect less.

 

 

 

 

 

Woojin doesn’t know if the universe is trying to make up for being shit to them when they were kids by constantly putting them together until they figure out what to do, but there Jihoon is again, in the diner he goes to every weekend at the high chairs that they had first encountered each other again. Except this time there’s no venom in his eyes, just the tiniest smile of acknowledgement.

 

“You’re everywhere now, aren’t you?” The older says, but it’s not laced with malice.

 

The corners of his lips tug up slightly, “Actually, I’ve been going here for years, so maybe _you’re_ just following _me_.”

 

Jihoon snorts, “Don’t flatter yourself.” It’s playful—he can tell by the small smile he’s trying to suppress. After much hesitation, Woojin decides to sit with one chair in between them, far enough that it’s not awkward, but close enough for them to make casual conversation if he could build up the courage to or hope that he would initiate one.

 

Seongwoo comes up to him and slides him his plate of food, “It’s been a while, hey?”

 

“Yeah, sorry I’ve been a little busy with school and everything.” Seongwoo gives him a small smile as he pushes away the bills that Woojin tries to slide over to him.

 

“Don’t worry, dinner’s on me today.” Woojin wants to refuse because he knows that they probably shouldn’t be giving out free food, but by the time he tries to open his mouth to say that it’s okay, Seongwoo is already walking away from him.

 

“So,” Jihoon starts nonchalantly, being the first to attempt what Woojin thinks is an actual conversation. Whenever they speak, they don’t talk for long. But that afternoon is the most they’ve said to each other, “what do you gotta do to get some free food here?”

 

“Being a pitiful, socially uninclined loser usually works for me.” Woojin says truthfully. He can’t recall how he managed to be on good terms with Seongwoo. The older boy is definitely better at conversation than he is, so naturally he made conversation while Woojin sat in front of him while he worked. And Woojin really isn’t that interesting of a person at the beginnings of a friendship, but Seongwoo made it easier by always being the one to keep the flow going. He was thankful he never had to try too hard when it came to talking with him, it made his dinners less lonely. Maybe Seongwoo is just an inviting person in general, he kind of envies it.

 

“Socially uninclined, huh?” Woojin can’t really decipher Jihoon’s tone this time, “Never really pinned you as the type.”

 

“Yeah well,” He doesn't look up from his food, picking up and putting down the same fry like he’s not really sure what to do with his hands and it doesn't register in his mind that eating is an option, “There’s a lot you don’t know about a person without really talking to them, right?”

 

He finally looks up at Jihoon, whose body is half-turned towards him but his eyes are fixated on the table, expression contemplative. “Right.”

 

 

 

 

The end of the month sneaks up on them and midterms are approaching them fast. Jihoon spends more time in the library than he does in his actual room, sometimes he falls asleep on a couch in the back room of the library. He has to assure Donghan with picture proof that he’s being truthful about studying in the library and not getting drunk somewhere. He doesn’t remember when but at some point, Woojin starts to walk with him to the library after their history class. He sees Woojin so often that he remembers what day he had worn the same shirt the previous week. One time he had asked him if he only owned three sweatshirts, and he was surprised to find out that they had in fact had all been different.

 

“Wait, weren’t you wearing that yesterday?”

 

Woojin looks down at his sweatshirt, the usual black with white stripes on the sleeves and Jihoon thinks he definitely saw him wearing that same sweater the previous day. “No, this is a different sweater.”

 

“It literally looks the exact same as the one you were wearing yesterday. Do you not wear any color?”

 

Woojin shrugs, “I like the color black, it’s simple and sophisticated.”

 

Jihoon snorts at that, “Yeah, you look _real_ sophisticated right now.”

 

Woojin scrunches up his face, “At least I don’t look like a highlighter every day. I can spot you from a mile away, you know that?”

 

“Or _maybe_ you’re just looking for me.”

 

“I really don’t need to. I can literally _hear_ the neon screaming at me and I know you’re somewhere close.” Woojin dodges out of the way before Jihoon can brain him with a stapler.

 

“My fashion sense is none of your business. You should focus on your horrible memorization skills.”

 

Woojin lets out a high-pitched, strained noise that Jihoon has to stop himself from grinning at, “It’s not my brain it’s the subject! It’s just not interesting! How do you even put up with this?”

 

“Some people are just good at things.” Jihoon puts a hand on top of Woojin’s, in pseudo-sympathy. “It’s okay to not be one of those people.”

 

Woojin flings Jihoon’s hand off of his with a scowl, “For your information I’m a talent spitting machine.”

 

“Oh yeah, name a talent other than dancing.”

 

Woojin crosses his arms, “I can rap.”

 

The scoff that leaves Jihoon’s mouth is almost instinctive.

 

“What? I can!”

 

“Prove it.”

 

Woojin merely deadpans, “We’re in a library, you idiot. You expect me to start rapping in the corner of a goddamn library?”

 

“Yes, that’s the only way.” Jihoon retorts unaffectedly. He’s definitely more than amused at Woojin’s frustration. His eyes narrow and he pouts and somehow the hairs on the top of his head start to stick out animatedly.

 

Woojin sighs hard, his arm coming up to prop his head on the table and he rubs at his temple like he’s asking someone for patience. “I’m not gonna do that.” He murmurs in a low voice.

 

Jihoon smirks victoriously, “Then you have no proof.”

 

Woojin looks like a defeated puppy for a while that it’s almost pitiful, but then he lights up as he grabs at his phone. Jihoon looks at him curiously as he shoves his phone in his face.

 

“Take out your earphones.”

 

“Why?”

 

Woojin taps at his phone screen, “Video proof.”

 

Jihoon kind of just stares at him for a few moments. He hadn’t expected Woojin to take out video proof and now he’s beginning to have an inner conflict because what if he’s actually good—was Jihoon expected to compliment him and admit that he was wrong? Because Jihoon doesn’t admit defeat.

 

After a measly attempt at convincing Woojin that he hadn’t brought his earphones with him today, Woojin throws him his own and places the phone on the table in front of him. And it turns out, Woojin is actually a _much_ more effective negotiator than he is because somehow, Jihoon ends up complying (grudgingly, of course) and finally puts on his earphones, pressing play. It’s not Woojin in front of a big crowd, just a video of him on a stool in a small room, with a hand to his mouth holding an invisible microphone and _shit_ , his voice is deep and he’s _amazing._ Even after the video ends his voice is still resonating in his mind, despite his attempts to (quite literally) knock them out of his head.

 

“So,” Woojin starts and Jihoon is already groaning because he knows what’s coming and he doesn’t like it one bit. “are you gonna admit I have talent?”

 

Jihoon sits up straight with a stoic expression, refusing to look the younger in the eye, “Okay, so you’re not _terrible_ at it.” It’s comes out as more of a grouchy mumble than it does a sure statement.

 

Woojin has this annoying cheeky grin plastered on his face and it makes Jihoon want to punch him. “Was that a compliment?”

 

“It was merely an observation.” Jihoon corrects him and gives him a noncommittal shrug.

 

“It was a compliment!” The younger says a little too loudly and it’s that exact moment that the librarian is passing by them and shushing them angrily. After she walks away Jihoon looks him in the eye with his trademark _what the hell Woojin_ glare, to which the younger imitates his shrug.  

 

 

 

Jihoon doesn’t know why but one day he ends up knocking on Woojin’s door, barging past him when he opens it to fall onto his bed with no explanation.

 

“Um, why are you here?”

 

“Well, Donghan is busy and so are my other friends so I thought to myself, who better to hang out with than _Woojin_?”

 

He doesn’t have to look at Woojin to know that he’s rolling his eyes. “I appreciate your enthusiasm to be hanging out with me.”

 

Jihoon waves his annoyed tone off, “So are you an interesting person or should I have just stayed home and rolled around in bed all day?”

 

“Sorry to break it to you but I really don’t do much.”

 

Jihoon groans as he sits back up, scanning the room. His eyes fall on a keyboard in the far corner of the room. “You play piano?”

 

Woojin follows his gaze to the keyboard, “I’m not great or anything, I just know a few pieces.”

 

“Play me something, then.”

 

Woojin blinks in confusion, “What?”

 

Jihoon falls back onto the bed, closing his eyes. “I said play me something.”

 

After a few seconds he hears shuffling, “Alright.”

 

The simply melody reaches his ears, the gentleness of it is somewhat soothing to him. It’s pretty, not something he expects from Woojin, but then again, he always had a habit of surprising him.

 

He plays three more songs after that and Jihoon feels so serene, listening to the melody of the piano match the faint pumping of his veins. It’s surprising how weird it could have been with Jihoon barging into Woojin’s room, but it isn’t. It’s even more surprising that Jihoon can just sit in his company and not feel the need to talk. And even though they had been doing that for a while with their study sessions in the library, being in Woojin’s room is different because it’s smaller and it really is just them two—yet he doesn't feel out of place. 

 

He still doesn’t know what had made him come to Woojin’s room in the first place, but somehow it feels like the right decision.

 

"You weren't kidding about being a talent spitting machine, huh?" The words come out before he can stop them. It's only when Woojin stops playing does he realize that sounds way more friendly than he wanted it to be. "I didn't mean to say that." He adds in an unintelligent attempt to salvage his pride. 

 

"Yes you did."

 

Okay, coming there was definitely not the right decision.

 

 

 

 

There’s a companionable feeling that settles between them, somewhere bordering friendliness but never without the bickering. They even manage to make jokes without either of them having to hold back their laughter. It’s alarmingly comfortable that it sometimes has Jihoon up at night wondering why they’re getting along so well.

 

After history they’re walking across campus and Woojin looks like he has something on the tip of tongue but is debating whether or not to let it slip, “What’s got you making your intense thinking face?”

 

The younger snaps out of his reverie with Jihoon’s voice, “I— what?”

 

“You look like you have something you wanna say.”

 

“Oh it was nothing I was just—um my friends are going out for sushi tonight and I was just wondering if you wanna come with? You don’t have to I was just suggesting if you didn’t have any dinner plans then..”

 

Woojin trails off, his body twisting the opposite way and he walks while staring at the part of the sky that Jihoon isn’t facing. It takes him a while to notice that Jihoon is still standing where Woojin had ended his offer and he looks back apprehensively. “Sure, I’ll come.”

 

“Really?” Woojin questions almost skeptically, like he expected to be rejected.

 

Jihoon nods, lips pressed tightly together. “I’ve been craving sushi anyways, might as well join, right?”

 

“Uh, right.” Woojin stares at his feet, “Well, Youngmin is driving so I’ll text you when we’re near your house?”

 

“Sure.” They linger for a while longer before Woojin gestures at his dorm building and waves goodbye to Jihoon. Jihoon watches on as Woojin manages to catch himself before flipping completely over the garbage can that he ends up walking into.

 

“Nice going! Very graceful!” Jihoon yells out with a smile.

 

“Shut up!” He hears Woojin screech in his high-pitched annoyed voice, snickering as he watches the people around Woojin turn heads to figure out what in lord’s name that shrilly noise was.

 

 

 **_(4:54) woojin_ ** _: hey you sure you okay with this_

**_(4:56) jihoon_ ** _: with what?_

**_(4:57) woojin_ ** _: idk I thought you might be a little uncomfortable being around my friends_

**_(4:58) jihoon_ ** _: I think u may have forgotten that I’m great with ppl_

**_(4:58) jihoon_ ** _: I’ll be fine_

**_(4:59) woojin_ ** _: okay if you say so_

**_(4:59) woojin_ ** _: we’ll be there around 7ish? I’ll text you again when we’re close_

**_(5:00) jihoon_ ** _: mhm, got it_

**_(5:01) woojin_ ** _: oh and heads up, if the name ‘jinyoung’ is ever brought up_

**_(5:01) woojin_ ** _: daehwi might actually kill you if you say something_

**_(5:02) jihoon_ ** _: jinyoung? bae jinyoung or another jinyoung?_

**_(5:02) woojin_ ** _: yeah bae jinyoung.. do you know him?_

**_(5:03) jihoon_ ** _: uhh kinda_

**_(5:03) jihoon_ ** _: he’s my neighbor_

**_(5:04) woojin_ ** _: oh shiT_

**_(5:04) woojin_ ** _: wait he lives beside you??_

**_(5:05) jihoon_ ** _: yeah lol we’re not close but I see him omw to school_

**_(5:06) woojin_ ** _: hmm, interesting information_

**_(5:06) jihoon_ ** _: daehwi hates you doesn’t he_

**_(5:07) woojin_ ** _: of course, it's the only way to feel about me_

**_(5:08) jihoon_ ** _: well ur not wrong_

**_(5:09) woojin_ ** _: I would have appreciated if you disagreed but I walked into that_

**_(5:09) jihoon_ ** _: yes u did_

 

 

Their dinner plans are on Jihoon’s mind for longer than he wants it to be and all he wants to do is take a small nap or maybe even do something productive before he leaves the house but for some reason he can’t get the thought of it out of his head.

 

“Is it weird to go out for dinner with the person you hate and his friends?” Jihoon blurts out after half an hour of tossing and turning in his failed attempt to take a short nap.

 

“Well I’m not sure _hate_ is the word I’d use to describe your feelings for him.”

 

“What are you talking about? It’s the most accurate I can get! I hate him!”

 

Donghan scoffs, “You don’t mean that.” He says disapprovingly.

 

Jihoon splutters at the accusation, “Why _wouldn’t_ I?”

 

“Because this is the sixth time you’ve brought him up today.”

 

“So?”

 

‘I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t be this obsessive and worried over someone I hate.”

 

“I’m not obsessive!” Jihoon shrieks. Maybe it was a bad idea to talk to Donghan. He should have just kept his mouth shut.

 

“Okay then yeah, you hate him. And that’s why you know what his favorite episode of Friends is and how you found out that he has a scar of his left elbow from the one time he wore a shirt on the day you freaked out because he only ever wears sweatshirts and hoodies. And you know his exact order from Starbucks word for word and for some reason, _God knows why_ , you feel the need to recite it in a mocking voice, trying to insist that you’re annoyed with how extra he is.”

 

Jihoon thinks that Donghan is being ridiculous. So what if he knows some facts about Woojin? That isn’t because they’re like best friends or anything, Woojin just talks a lot—way more than he thought he would. He also had found out some of the things from his conversations with Woojin as winkly, though Donghan doesn’t know about _that_ situation. And in any case, his initial plan was to to find things out about Woojin that he could use for revenge. And even though that might not be his priority anymore, that doesn't mean he actually _cares_  that much about Woojin, right? 

 

He shakes the incoming hesitancy off and lets the train of thought crash into the clouds as he pulls the covers over his head, in his third attempt to sleep.

 

He later comes to regret his decision to fall asleep because he wakes up at 6:45 and fumbles out of bed when he realizes he didn’t even give himself enough time to get ready. He’s pacing back and forth in his room when he realizes all of his nice colored sweaters are in the wash and his hair is an absolute wreck and _fuck_ , why does he even care?

 

In the end he opts for stealing one of Donghan’s sweatshirts that’s a size too big for him and not at all a color he would wear on a daily basis (it’s black and he looks like Woojin had dressed him) but it’s the first thing he grabs out of his closet.

 

Woojin texts him at 6:54 telling him they’re a few minutes away and he spends the rest of his waiting time fixing his hair even though Donghan is telling him that he looks fine.

 

“I have a reputation, okay! I’m meeting them for the first time.”

 

“Gotta make a good impression on the family, huh?” Jihoon throws water bottle at his friend.

 

He rushes out of the door when he sees a car pull up into their driveway and Donghan wishes him luck for a reason he can’t comprehend. He scoots into the backseat beside Woojin and the group exchange hellos. He’s thankful they’re going somewhere close because it’s easier to focus on conversation when he’s not practically pressed up against Woojin’s side and he smells kind of good and he’s not _supposed_ to but he does.

 

“So, Jihoon told me that a certain someone lives in a house right next to him.” Woojin elbows Daehwi suggestively and the younger’s jaw drops.

 

“You live next to Jinyoung?!”

 

Jihoon nods, jumping slightly when the blonde shrieks into his hands. “Why did you tell me that?! What if I accidentally let it slip out that I know where he lives and he thinks I’m a _stalker_!”

 

“Don’t overthink it, Daehwi.” Donghyun says reassuringly from the passenger seat, “If it ever happens just say that you know his neighbor and you found out through him by coincidence.”

 

“Okay but why would his neighbor be telling me that he lived there unless I was specifically asking him about it?”

 

“Chill, kid. You won’t slip up. I think you’re smart enough not to jeopardize your chances.”

 

He hears Woojin laugh beside him, “He’s totally gonna mess up.”

 

Daehwi and Woojin continue to fight the rest of the way there and Jihoon feels a little out of place but he can definitely tell that (despite the play fighting happening right beside him) they have a nice bond going on. It’s a different side to Woojin, maybe now it’s the only side to him but it’s only now that Jihoon is seeing it.

 

They’re heading into the restaurant and everything is (relatively) calm, until the group spots Jinyoung walking out of the restaurant with a friend at the same time they’re walking in. Daehwi moves to hide behind Donghyun but Jinyoung spots him and walks over to them with a smile.

 

_Huh._

 

“Hey, Daehwi!” Jinyoung greets him cheerfully and Daehwi smiles back, only being able to muster up enough courage to raise his hand to give him a small wave.

 

Jihoon slides into the far end of the booth, Woojin on his left and Youngmin and Donghyun in front of them. Daehwi had gone to the bathroom and the two across from him were setting up the table.

 

Jihoon pokes Woojin’s thigh to get his attention, “Has Daehwi ever noticed?”

 

“Noticed what?”

 

“How Jinyoung only seems to smile at him.”

 

Woojin quirks a brow, “What do you mean?”

 

“Well it’s just that in the times I’ve seen him, he’s only ever looked gloomy? Like I saw him smile the second he saw Daehwi and it was such a foreign sight.”

 

The younger looks at him curiously, “You’re pretty observant, aren’t you?”

 

Jihoon grins, “Or maybe you’re just dumb.”

 

Throughout the course of dinner Jihoon mostly stays quiet and listens to them talk. Daehwi rants a lot about Jinyoung despite the fact that Jihoon is there and it’s obvious at this point that he knows that Daehwi has a crush on his neighbor, and Jihoon’s heart sort of swells at the thought of being trusted by the blonde kid. He really is getting too soft.

 

Later they’re telling him stories about Woojin—some of them are rather embarrassing and Jihoon can see the bright red on the tips of his ears. Youngmin pulls out his phone suddenly, “I have a video of him singing to Only One, do you wanna see it?”

 

Woojin’s hands fly out to in front of him to block Youngmin from passing his phone to Jihoon but Jihoon fights him off until Daehwi has Woojin’s hands held behind his back. Woojin growls, “I’m gonna kick your phone into the soup, Youngmin.”

 

Jihoon raises the phone higher when Woojin tries to lift his foot from under the table but ends up bumping his knee hard into the bottom of the table. Jihoon can hear Woojin’s loud protests as he laughs at the video and there are people from other tables staring at them but this is the biggest laugh he’s had in a while and _wow_ Woojin’s dark past doesn’t even stop there. By the end of the night there all laughing at the various embarrassing pictures that Youngmin has saved on his phone and Woojin spends most of it threatening to end their friendships.

 

Woojin offers to walk him to his door when they reach his house even though Jihoon insists he’ll be fine. The younger follows him out of the car anyways and walks a step behind him until they reach his porch.

 

“Thanks for inviting me out tonight.”

 

“It was nice getting to hear you laugh.” Woojin admits with a smile, snaggletooth peeking out and Jihoon has to avert his gaze before he can commit the sight to memory.

 

“Well, I‘ll see you around at the library I guess?”

 

“Yeah, sleep well.”

 

The younger waves at him before he turns around to enter his house, “You too.” He returns quietly before stepping in and watching as Woojin walks back to the car.

 

 

 

He actually _does_ sleep well that night.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_we're outsiders looking in  
our masks are wearing thin_

 

 

“Why didn’t you ever try out for the basketball team?” Jihoon asks him out of nowhere. Both of them know that they haven’t been focused on any actual work for a while, so Jihoon stops pretending to be a good exemplary student and fight his fatigue with conversation. They’re in what has now basically become Their corner of the library—much like how the specific high chairs at the diner have become Their spot and it’s a little strange that they have so many places that they call ‘ours’.

 

Woojin looks confused at first, like he’d forgotten he had even played basketball. Jihoon sees the lightbulb go on in his head a few seconds after, “I guess it was mostly due to my anxiety? Like I could play outside on the courts with other kids just for fun, but the thought of being in the sport competitively was a little jarring.”

 

“Anxiety?”

 

Woojin nods, “I played in a basketball game when I was younger. But I couldn’t play properly because all I could think about was all of the eyes on me and how everyone would laugh at me or get mad at me if I couldn’t make a shot after getting the ball. And then on the court I had started to purposefully hide away so no one would pass me it. I finally decided that it wasn’t worth it and I gave it up.”

 

Jihoon had always seen Woojin as someone who had utmost confidence in himself, maybe even thought of him to be arrogant. How could he have seemed so pretentious and egotistic back then, but not a tinge bit now? Had he really just changed or was he never what Jihoon had thought of him to be in the first place?

 

But then again, all Woojin had ever shown him was harsh side of him. How could someone who was the leader of a group of bullies have social anxiety?

 

“How come you’re able to do dance competitions?”

 

The look in his eyes is instantly different when the topic of dance comes up. “I mean at first my stage fright was really bad. But I think I realized that I liked it enough to deal with it. And then as the years went on, I gained more confidence in my skills and now I’m kind of in my element when I’m on stage? I mean I still feel terrified when I’m up in front of dozens of people, but I’ve grown to love it so much that I’m able get lost in it enough to keep me grounded.”

 

It’s a passion that Jihoon has never seen in anyone before. He can tell by the way Woojin’s eyes light up and how his gestures get bigger. He’s sitting on the edge of his seat now with a smile on his face.

 

Woojin goes on about how the first time he had performed on stage with a crew, he had made a tiny mistake. And though it was usually in his nature to beat himself up about even the tiniest mistake until he managed convinced himself that embarrassing himself wasn’t worth it, instead he had taken it as a means of working even harder—to do _better_. It was then that he realized that dancing was more than just a hobby to him. It was something that he really wanted to excel at, something he wanted to continue to do for as long as he could.

 

There’s something kind of charming in how increasingly excited Woojin gets when talking about his competition pieces. As much as he wants to convince himself that he’s bored of Woojin’s voice, he isn’t. There’s just so much enthusiasm that he had never seen in him before and it’s engaging. He starts to delve into how he felt about winning first place in his third year of dancing until he becomes aware of how much he’s talking and stops himself abruptly in the middle of his sentence.

 

“—I’m talking too much aren’t I?” Jihoon just shakes his head, belatedly noticing how much further he had leaned into the table with his chin resting in his hands. Woojin scratches the back of his neck, “I’ve been talking for like ten minutes straight, you should have stopped me..”

 

“It was interesting,” He says without thinking, but before Woojin can live out the rest of his shock he adds, “That’s a rare thing with you.”

 

Woojin’s lips draw back in a snarl immediately, “I should have known.”

 

Jihoon smirks, “You gotta be quick on your feet, Park B.”

 

“Why am I Park B?” Woojin protests, crossing his arms and furrowing his eyebrows and Jihoon immediately tries to flood his mind with images of puppies so he can justify the word ‘cute’ floating through his head.

 

“Because I’m the most superior Park.”

 

“Says who?”

 

“Says me.”

 

Woojin sticks his nose in the air, “Who says you get to make the rules?”

 

“I’m the older one.”

 

The raven-haired boy scoffs, “By like five months, that’s hardly substantial.”

 

“Hm, so you remember my birthday?”

 

Woojin sputters, “I-I’m just really good at remembering birthdays, okay? No need to question me.”

 

Jihoon quirks an eyebrow, smirk growing wider, “Oh yeah? When’s your friend Janghyun’s birthday?”

 

The air goes silent and when Woojin tenses up so does the atmosphere. Jihoon, of course, doesn’t know the reason for it. He watches as Woojin does that thing where he picks at the skin near his fingernail, “It’s.. it’s been a while.”

 

Even though Jihoon notices the shift he doesn’t show it, “So you remember your victim’s birthday but not your friend’s? Wow you really did take the ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’ thing to heart.”

 

Woojin attempts to clear his throat and tries to act like he hasn’t suddenly gotten more restless but Jihoon can tell something is off. Maybe the two of them had ended on bad terms as well? Jihoon can’t remember much about Janghyun, all he knows that he had seen him with Woojin a lot before he had suddenly changed.

 

The silence comes back but Jihoon no longer knows what to do to break it. He thinks that if he says anything more he might end up unweaving their carefully formed bond, messing up something good to happen to him like he always does.

 

After what feels like hours Woojin finally speaks up, “I.. I liked him.” Well of course he liked Janghyun, he was his friend. Jihoon isn’t quite sure what he’s trying to say. “I liked him as more than a friend.”

 

It takes Jihoon longer than it should to process what Woojin says. Is Woojin—the boy who had picked on him because he was gay—trying to say that he likes boys?

 

“What.. do you mean?” He knows it’s a dumb question, he understands what he said perfectly fine. But even then he still doesn’t _understand_ it.

 

“Um, I’m not really sure how else I can word it..”

 

“Wait,” Jihoon holds an index finger up, pausing for a beat, “So what you’re trying to say is that you’re..”

 

“Gay.” Woojin says forthrightly. And he sounds so sure of himself that it only confuses Jihoon even more. None of this is making sense to him and he’s beginning to wonder if this is just one of his vivid dreams messing with him. Why can’t he wake up?

 

“if you’re telling the truth, then why..” Jihoon speaks slowly. He trails off when their story reaches the part of their past that they’ve never properly discussed with each other.

 

Woojin continues in lieu of Jihoon’s silence, “One night during dinner I had told my mother about him.. It was an innocent hope that they would finally pay attention to me for something other than my grades but she—“ He shuts his eyes for a second, he becomes noticeably shakier as he continues in a hushed voice, “She yelled at me for making a ‘bad joke’, she told me that I shouldn’t joke like that again but I told her I wasn’t.

 

“I had meant what I said about liking him and she called me selfish. That I wasn’t thinking about how people would view our family if they ever found out and— she forced me to repeat that boys only like girls every day. She drilled it into my head and when I tried to disagree she would.. hit me. She hit me and made me feel guilty until I believed her. I believed her and everyone who said that there was something wrong with me.”

 

The pauses the Woojin uses to take in a breath is deafening to Jihoon.

 

“—and those boys.. they became the voices in my head telling me you were wrong even though for a long time I knew there was nothing wrong about you.. But I think at one point I started to hate myself so much that I began to believe there really _was_ something wrong with me. And I let that drive me to.. hurt you.”

 

The last part of his sentence would have inaudible if Jihoon hadn’t been leaning in closer every time Woojin started to lower his voice.

 

“What happened?” Jihoon starts apprehensively, “To you and your mother? Did she continue to hurt you? Does she still..?”

 

Woojin shakes his head and forces out a laugh that ends up being laced with bitter. “She passed away that summer. And I think after that I had repressed all memories of her, to the point where I made myself believe that she was nice to me, that she loved me. But she never did..”

 

“You know, I’m beginning to think that saying is pretty toxic, ‘blood is thicker than water’. Is family still the most important even when your friends show you conditional love but your family only hurts you?” Jihoon wonders reflectively, and he can tell by the look on Woojin's face that he hadn't expect Jihoon to take what he had said so calmly, like he would get mad and think that he was trying to justify his actions. “Maybe that’s why I was so mad at you for so long. I was mad that you took away my only family, but now that I think about it, my father never really acted like one. We just.. lived in the same place and I always wanted him to feel proud of me but he never did. And he never will.” He sees Woojin shift uncomfortably from the corner of his eye. “But lately.. I’ve been coming to terms with being okay with that. If he was never going to accept who I was, why would I want to stay?”

 

Woojin meets his eyes but he’s not met with pity like he expects to be, only understanding.

 

Jihoon continues after a short while, “And anyways, I found Donghan. His family had taken in some kid crying in the middle of the road and gave him a home, gave him a family. I have so much to be grateful for yet I’m still a huge, sad fucking mess.”

 

Woojin finally speaks up, “Just because you have reasons to be happy, doesn’t mean you don’t have reasons to be sad.” Jihoon isn’t sure if he wants to know that _Woojin_ , of all people, is the one who seems to understand him far more than most people. It’s like he’s inside his head and he can see the world through his eyes. He begins to realize just how alike they are. They’re climbing the same mountain, desperate to get away from the demons of their pasts. For the longest time Jihoon had only thought that Woojin was trying to pull him back down, but maybe he was only trying escape too. “But it also doesn’t mean you should try to push away the people who only want to help you.”

 

Jihoon doesn’t usually get nervous around people, but at some point he finds himself fiddling with his fingers, “Is it selfish that I might be showcasing my negativity so people will continue to worry and take care of me?”

 

Woojin purses his lips, “Maybe, but it’s understandable.” He adds insightfully, “But maybe you should also think about how they feel, watching you continue to hurt until they feel so helpless because they’re not really sure if there’s anything _left_ for them to do.”

 

As much as it pains the brunette to admit it, Woojin is probably right, about a _lot_ of things tonight. How would Donghan feel? Watching Jihoon pretend he’s okay when even Jihoon knows that it’s becoming increasingly clear that he isn’t.

 

He begins to think that lying is becoming a daily practice. It’s something that’s encouraged by the things he sees in others and wants to have but thinks he can’t, so he fills the void with fake feelings and feigned cheeriness. Maybe it’s finally time, to stop telling himself to find happiness and actually get up and do it. He wants to find his purpose, bit by bit in barrages of honesty towards himself and towards Donghan. He hates the irony in the fact that his days are filled with nightmares and his nights are filled with daydreams.

 

But how do you even begin to look for happiness when all you’ve ever known is hate towards yourself? He’s always thought of himself as a book with an alluring color but tattered bindings, one that people would pick up at first sight, but put back when they realize it’s shabby. He’s just a dim amber in a sea of gold. And he really wants to stop thinking so lowly of himself but it’s all he’s known for so long that he doesn’t know how to stop hating himself. It’s like he’s stuck driving in the middle lane and the only focus he has is staying between the lines, where his fears can’t hurt him anymore than he already is.

 

He looks up when he feels Woojin’s eyes on him. He expects the younger to shy away like he always does when someone holds eye contact with him for too long, but he doesn’t, and it almost makes Jihoon want to shy away instead. “I really am sorry.” Woojin states in a soft voice, eyes still locked with Jihoon’s.

 

“I know.”

 

For a while they just look at each other. And Jihoon doesn’t know if it's because he was so unwilling to spare a glance Woojin’s way before they started to talk but only now does he realize just how nicely Woojin has grown up. His skin is a gorgeous tan shade—it almost glistens in the dull of the room and he doesn’t know _how_ because the lighting is horrible in this area of the library but it does. His dark hair seems to compliment it even more, and its messy but it still manages to look good.

 

Woojin sucks in a breath that breaks the quiet, placing his hands on his knees before deciding, “This is getting a little too depressing don’t you think? Maybe we should get some ice cream or something.”

 

Jihoon snorts, burying his face into his hoodie to hide any possible color that might have dusted his cheeks from the sudden infiltration of thoughts, “Won’t eating ice cream just amplify our sadness?”

 

Woojin bites down on the side of his cheek, nose scrunching up, “True.. how about a Starbucks run?”

 

“It’s nine in the evening, I’m pretty sure they’re all closed by now.” Jihoon shakes his head in mock-exasperation, “You’re terrible at this.”

 

The younger’s nostrils flare up humorously and Jihoon has to bite back a laugh, “Fine! Then what do you suggest?”

 

Jihoon’s eyes fall down to his right side as he thinks about it, “Hmm, we could order chicken and maybe have a can of beer?”

 

Woojin seems to be satisfied with his answer but looks like he’s trying not to let it show in order to not inflate Jihoon’s ego, but Jihoon has come to grasp how terrible Woojin is at lying. “In my dorm?”

 

Jihoon nods and they pack up their long neglected notes and head for the dorms.

 

 

 

 

 

They end up in Woojin’s room, table pressed up against his bed and a box of chicken and empty cans of beers resting on top of it. Woojin’s laptop is placed in the middle of the table and the two of them are leaning back on the wall with pillows propped up behind them, laughing at some remake of a drama that they can’t even remember the name of anymore because it's just _that_ ridiculous.

 

“Why are people so stupid?”

 

“Right? That’s a question I ask myself every time I see you.”

 

Woojin hits Jihoon on the head with his empty beer can, eliciting a loud “hey!” and sparking a violent pillow fight in which Woojin swears Jihoon had almost managed to knock his teeth out. In the midst of their sudden war, Woojin knocks over Jihoon’s stack of notebooks onto the floor.

 

“Whoops.”

 

Jihoon is breathing heavily, crawling off the other side of the bed, “Pick my stuff up, you clumsy dork. I’m gonna get some water.”

 

Woojin puts his pillow down and jumps across to the other side of the room, bending down to collect the notebooks and papers that were sprawled all over his floor. As he’s picking up the last notebook, he catches a glimpse of his name written on the page it had been open up to.

 

 

_100717_

_Donghan told me that I should start writing about things that happen to me during the day and let out any feelings I have on paper. He keeps telling me it’s a journal but it definitely feels like I’m writing some sort of diary entry. But it's not a diary, I didn’t even start it with ‘dear diary’, so it's not. It’s just a paper with words about my emotions and it exists._

Woojin chuckles, even on paper Jihoon sounds so _Jihoon_ , he finds it amusing.

 

_A few days ago I found out who my online friend was. It was probably the most disappointing thing to ever happen to me, I swear the universe hates me. Out of all people, chamsaes ended up being Woojin?? I feel like he might be doing it to make fun of me, to find out things about me so he can spread rumors and come back to finish the job. Was ruining my life back in middle school not enough for him? Well not today satan, he’s gonna get what’s coming for him. I don’t care if I have to talk to him for months as winkly, I’m gonna find some dirt on him and ruin his life. _

He feels a lump grow in his throat as realization dawns on him. Jihoon is winkly, and he’s known for a while that Woojin is chamsaes. He looks up at Jihoon who already seems to know what he’s reading by the look on his face.

 

“Woojin—“

 

“You’re winkly.” He says quietly. Jihoon’s mouth is open like he wants to say something but it won’t come out. “You knew, and you befriended me to get revenge..?”

 

There’s a small crack in his voice that’s hardly distinguishable with how quite he had gotten.

 

“No, that’s not—Well, I..” Jihoon cuts himself off, like he doesn’t have an explanation for it, because it’s true.

 

“Um,” Woojin stuffs all of the papers into Jihoon’s bag and holds it out for him, not looking him in the eye, “Maybe you should go.”

 

Jihoon stares at the bag for a while, but nothing more is said after he grabs it from Woojin and makes his way out the door.

 

 

Woojin closes the door behind him and Jihoon is left standing in the hall alone, staring at the floor. And Jihoon has seen this hallway way too many times; he’s left rooms similar to Woojin’s without second thought or care, but not once has he wanted to push his way back into the room as much as he did now.

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kind of hate myself for this chapter lol i was having a really hard time with the slowburn friendship im not sure if it ended up being believable?? 
> 
> anyways im sorry that this fic is like the slowest of slowburns but i really just wanted to flesh it out a bit more. i promise the next chapter will be better because i have the shortest break from uni so i think i'll be able to finally focus on a chapter for once without being stressed out about neglecting school work


	5. Chapter 5

_5._

 

 

* * *

 

 

_a fresh slate  
a new beauty begins_

 

 

There’s always a small thread of hope that people hold onto, even when they say they don’t believe in it. If there’s no hope, then there’s no disappointment. Yet there’s always that small voice in the back of your mind, telling you that there’s always tomorrow—and tomorrow could be grand. So is it worth it to hold on? Maybe after the storm, and after the waves have calmed down, the sun will illuminate the water—turning it into crystal clear hope.

 

Woojin hates hoping. He hates the part of his mind that looks up expectantly at the trees for one to yield the fruit of acceptance.

 

But in all honestly, he’s not mad—not as mad as he thought he would be in the moment of discovery. Maybe he’s just disappointed in himself, for hoping that once he was able to escape his self-condemnation, he could move on. But just like how the world moves on even if you don’t, somehow it feels like he’s the only one who wants to move forward but no one else is letting him.

 

“How are you doing?” Daehwi’s voice cuts in softly, placing a cup of coffee beside his laptop and sprawled out notes that he only now realizes he’s supposed to be doing homework. He hasn't been able to shake the events of last night off his mind. And even though he still feels guilty for everything he’s ever done, the trust he had built up for Jihoon had been shattered all too quickly and it sort of stings.

 

He takes another look at the workload in front of him and lets his head fall into his hands, “I don't know.”

 

“You wanna tell me what happened?” The younger is using that babying tone that would usually set him off into a spiral of complaints but he’s just so  _confused_  that he doesn’t even know what he feels about anything anymore.

 

Woojin closes his laptop and leans down to rest his arms above it, “He was winkly.”

 

“What?” Daehwi doesn’t seem to remember at first, but the name slowly comes to him. “Oh, you’re internet friend?”

 

Woojin nods numbly, eyes focused intently on the logo of Daehwi’s coffee cup. “It was Jihoon all along.”

 

“Wait, so why is that a bad thing?”

 

Without lifting his gaze, Woojin explains in a quiet voice, “I sort of.. read something in one of his notebooks. A while ago he said that he found out I was chamsaes and was planning to get revenge on me by getting close to me and finding out my secrets.”

 

He doesn’t even have to look up to known that Daehwi’s face is sporting obvious incredulity. “Wait, but he hasn’t acted on it?”

 

“No,” Woojin mumbles, “But he was planning to.”

 

The logo he’s been staring at starts to get boring and he finally sits up, leaning back into his chair. Daehwi looks at him like he’s trying to figure something out, “You said it was a long time ago, how far back?”

 

Woojin shrugs indifferently, “Like the beginning of October of something.”

 

“So what if that was his initial plan because you might not have been friends yet and he was feeling a rush of emotions and he just wrote it down but never meant to go through with it? Or even if he did, maybe he decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. I mean it could have been before your apology and maybe at the time he still felt like you deserved it.”

 

“What should I do?” Woojin starts to fiddle with his fingers—he could never stay still, even more so when there was something bothering him.

 

Daehwi puts a hand on his own, and with a reassuring smile, says, “Talk to him.”

 

But what would he say? What did he  _want_  to say? At first he thinks that, if anything, Jihoon should be the one explaining to  _him_. A part of him had secretly hoped that Jihoon wouldn’t leave when he told him to. Maybe it was stupid to have hope that he would stay, that he would defend himself and say that it was no longer like that. And maybe it really wasn’t, but how was Woojin supposed to know that when Jihoon didn’t even try to tell him?

 

It wouldn’t surprise him if his friendship didn’t mean that much Jihoon anyways, Woojin is easily replaceable, hardly anything special. He can only make stupid jokes and he’s absolutely horrendous at making conversation. But to him, Jihoon feels like one of the easiest people to talk to, sometimes he doesn't even have to think when talking to him, the words just flow out naturally. And that’s something so rare—when he doesn’t have to be so hung up in his mind during a social interaction on every single thing he’s supposed to say and do and what the best possible way to deal with a situation is without seeming like he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

 

He dwells on it and realizes that he doesn’t  _want_  to lose Jihoon, not over something that can be fixed. He doesn’t want to lose the texts that he receives during breaks between classes that check if he’s having a good day. He doesn’t want to lose the chance to watch Jihoon always, _always_  get ice cream on his nose every time they use cones. He doesn’t want to hate himself every night for letting Jihoon slip out of his life because both of them are too stubborn to talk it out like normal adults. Woojin doesn’t want to have a reason to miss him, he just wants to have him.  

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Jihoon knows it isn’t likely for Woojin to show up to the library that night. He paces back and front of the entrance, debating whether he would be fine studying alone or if he’d just feel weird the entire time—it’s no longer _their_  spot if it’s only him.

 

He’s been feeling like utter crap since the second he had walked out of Woojin’s dorm without even trying to give him an explanation. Would it have been different if he stayed? Or would Woojin still hate him regardless because his intentions to get close to him weren’t for a reason that anyone would want. In the moment, he didn’t even have the words to say to make it better, because it really was a stupid thing to even think about doing in the first place. If he had gone through with it, he wouldn’t have been any different than the person that Jihoon had despised Woojin for being all those years ago—he would have just become the very thing he hated. 

 

After an indecisive ten minutes, Jihoon starts to walk away from the entrance, deciding it would be less lonely to work at home even if it meant he’d be easily distracted. But he figures it would be less painful than having to stare at the empty seat in front of him the entire time. At least at home he could stare at the wall and he wouldn’t feel like there was something missing.  

 

Before he can exit the building, however, his eyes trail up from the familiar pair of shoes coming towards him to find Woojin right in front of him. And suddenly, his feet don’t know how to move and he can’t run away even though he hates confrontation, especially when the outcome is likely to be negative. He holds his notebook tight to his chest, it’s a new one he had switched with the one Woojin had found because every time he looked at it he felt guilty.

 

Woojin has a look on his face that Jihoon can’t really decipher despite always thinking he was good at reading emotions. Is he mad at him? He doesn’t look angry, but he doesn’t look like he’s planning to forgive him either. At this point he doesn’t know what to expect from the other boy—he was always doing the unexpected and it’s a little frustrating that he’s the only one Jihoon can never easily read.

 

“U-uh, hi..” Jihoon starts, but Woojin just stares at him without saying anything. “Look, about what you read last night, I didn’t mean—“

 

“I know that even if you do feel guilty about it, you probably think that I deserved it anyways. But I don’t think that what I did as a ten-year old should justify everything bad that happens to me.” Woojin breathes, “I don’t know if this is just me being selfish or hypocritical but—“ He pauses, looking Jihoon right in the eye and his heart drops to the floor, “I’m hurting too. Maybe not as significantly as you’ve been hurting but I don’t think my feelings should be invalid.”

 

Jihoon didn’t even think he could feel worse than he already is, but the stabbing at his chest is back once he realizes again that he almost _became_ the bully—the very thing that he despised as a kid. Why was it that he thought he could use karma as an excuse when in the end he’d be nothing but a replica of the very thing that was the subject of his torment?

 

There’s so much he  _needs_  to be saying right now but his voice has a way of giving up on him in situations like this where he doesn’t know what to do and the thought that he might end up saying something that would make it even worse stops the words itching to coming out.

 

Before he can even attempt to force them out Woojin opens his mouth to speak again, “Well if that’s how it’s gonna be then fine.”  _He’s gonna end our friendship._  “I’m gonna stick to you like a thorn on your side until you grow so fond of me that you’ll _never_  want me to leave.”

 

This.. this is not what he was expecting.

 

“I—what?”

 

Woojin crosses his arms, sticking his chin out in what Jihoon thinks is supposed to be an intimidating manner but it’s more humorous than anything, “You heard me. I’m gonna bother you until you finally like me. We’re gonna be such good friends that people are gonna have to put us in history books! At least future students will have  _one_ topic to be interested in.”

 

Jihoon has so many questions but he doesn’t even know where to start with this because what in the  _world_ is he talking about? Is he being forgiven or is this Woojin’s idea of a punishment?

 

In the end he still doesn’t manage to get a word in because Woojin is spinning him around and pushing him towards the library entrance, “Let’s go, new best friend, second to none except Daehwi!”

 

 

 

 

Woojin wasn’t lying when he said he’d stick to Jihoon like a thorn on his side. And Woojin is quite possibly the most tangible, prominent thorn anyone has ever had sticking next to them too, because he is literally everywhere and Jihoon doesn’t even know how the younger even manages to find him sometimes, but whenever he turns around he’s there. It’s not even as much of a nuisance as he expects it to be (or wants it to be). Somehow, even that becomes part of his daily routine—seeing Woojin at least once before he goes home, even on days when they don’t go to the library. And Jihoon is sick of not being sick of it because he should be seething and distressed but he kind of ends up enjoying Woojin’s company, even when he sees him more than anyone else.

 

“So,” Woojin starts, stirring his glass of Pepsi with a straw. Jihoon doesn’t know when but somewhere during Woojin’s expedition to get Jihoon to like him, the chair in the diner that used to stay empty in the middle of them is now occupied by Woojin. There’s no longer a space between them but even then, Jihoon still thinks he’s a little too far. “How good of a job am I doing at not being an asshole? On a scale of 1-100?”

 

Jihoon lifts a hand to his chin, pretending to think hard on it. But in actuality, it’s not something that requires too much thought, because Woojin—despite his horrible jokes and his occasional snarky comments—is probably the furthest thing from being an asshole. Jihoon would never let him know that, though. “Hmm, maybe a 20?”

 

He tries not to snicker at the way Woojin’s face drops immediately, “Only a 20? How much more do I have to do?!” He’s exaggerating his exasperation with large hand gestures and pouts and  _he’s not cute, shut the hell up Jihoon_.

 

Jihoon puts on a high and mighty act, giving the younger a condescending smirk, “You have a long way to go before you can get on my level. My friendship is not that easy to acquire, you know.”

 

Woojin’s nose scrunches up in annoyance and he bites at a fry angrily. ‘If you think I’m giving up then you’ve underestimated me.” He picks up another fry and points it at Jihoon in what he thinks is supposed to be a threatening way but it’s nothing of the sort. “Just you wait, Park Jihoon. I’m gonna be your favorite person.”

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon isn’t sure about ‘favorite’, but Woojin is definitely a  _person_  in his life, and a person that he spends way too much time with and knows way too much about for someone that isn’t Donghan.

 

He realizes this when he’s woken up by his ringtone at almost two in the morning and Donghan is throwing a pillow at him for disturbing his sleep and never learning to put his phone on silent. He trudges out of their room with his phone and brings it to his ear irritably when he reaches the bathroom.

 

“Good evening, person who’s going to love me.”

 

“I don’t love you,” Jihoon huffs groggily, “In fact, I could name five things I hate about you right at this moment. One, you woke me up. Two, you woke me up even though you knew I’d be sleeping. Three, you woke me up when you knew I'd be sleeping at  _two_  in the fucking morning. Four, you called me just to annoy me. Five, you find enjoyment in my irritability. Are you sensing the pattern here?”

 

“Aw, you’re so cute when you’re all riled up.” Woojin coos in a teasing tone.

 

“I’m going to smack you upside the head first thing when I see you tomorrow morning.”

 

“Hey, hey. No need to get violent! I just couldn’t sleep and I was wondering what you were doing.”

 

“You couldn’t have just texted me?” Jihoon grits out through his teeth. “Did it never occur to you that I might have already been sleeping?”

 

“Sorry.” Jihoon can hear the pout in his voice and he almost wants to forgive him but then he remembers it’s _two in the fucking morning_.

 

“Apologies will get you nowhere at this time of night.”

 

“Hmm, I don’t know, you seemed to have softened up. I knew I was getting to you.” Jihoon’s eyes roll so hard that he swears he’ll be looking backwards permanently if he continues to put up with Woojin any longer.

 

“Hardly, now go to sleep, you needy imbecile.”

 

“Wow, I love our pet names. I’m so thankful for you too, birdbrain!” He hears Woojin’s annoying laugh as he groans tiredly. He’s sitting on the bathroom floor against the door, almost about to fall asleep when the line goes quiet for a moment, “Can you stay on the phone until I fall asleep?”

 

The youngers voice has gotten softer, but it’s definitely still low and Jihoon gets stuck wondering if his voice has always been this deep and now he kind of hates himself because now he can’t stop his awareness of Woojin’s low, raspy voice while he’s asking him to keep him company.

 

“I share a room with Donghan, you know. If I’m up on the phone he’s going to start a war tomorrow morning.”

 

“Oh.. alright.” The disappointment in his voice twists his insides and now he actually feels  _bad_. “That’s okay then, sleep well Jihoon.”

 

The younger hangs up before he can get another word in and he still feels horrible as he listens to the line go dead. As he walks back to his bed he tries not to let it bother him, but after a few minutes of tossing and turning, he picks up his phone again and sends a text to the younger boy.

 

 ** _(2:17) jihoon_  ** _: I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.. but just this /one/ time._

Jihoon wakes up with his arm hanging off the side of the couch, blanket half covering his legs and half draped onto the floor. His phone is still lying on his cheek and he’s a little sore when he sits up. He checks his phone to see four new texts from Woojin but the only one he can focus on is the one that says  _rise and shine, sunshine ;)_

 

Since when did Woojin start  _winking_?

 

 

 

 

 

 

“What have you been up to these days?” Daehwi asks him as he plops onto the armchair across his bed.

 

Woojin raises an eyebrow, “Why do you sound like we haven’t seen each other in years?”

 

He watches the pout form on Daehwi’s face, “Feels like it’s been years, you only ever spend time with Jihoon.”

 

Woojin feels the corners of his lips tug into a smirk, his eyebrows are now waggling at the younger, “Are you jealous?”

 

“Of course not!” Daehwi quips defensively, “I’m just..” The younger starts to frown, “You skipped out on our designated game night and games are hard to play with only three people, you know.”

 

Woojin’s smirk drops immediately, “Shit, Daehwi I’m so sorry I was so caught up in school work—“

 

“No, it’s fine I understand that it’s just..” Daehwi starts to kick softly at his bag on the floor in front of him, voice becoming almost inaudible, “I kind of miss you.”

 

Woojin bites the inside of his cheek, looking apologetically at the boy across from him. “Hey, you know what, let’s make today Woojin and Daehwi day, okay? Just you and me, we can do whatever you want.”

 

The younger perks up slightly, “Really? You’ll even go shopping with me?”

 

Woojin winces at that, he hears the younger snicker, knowing very well that he took forever at the mall and Woojin is terrible at standing around for long. “Yeah, even that.”

 

The smile on Daehwi’s face is worth it though, and the younger is jumping up excitedly and throwing his arms around him. “Yay! You’re the best!”

 

Woojin sighs and pats the younger back, “I really am.”

 

Daehwi is still dragging him across the second floor almost an hour into their time at the mall and Woojin thinks that he might just collapse at any moment but he doesn’t even have enough time to do _that_  because Daehwi never stops moving.

 

They’re nearing the shop that Jinyoung works in and he can tell that Daehwi is starting to walk slower. Woojin nudges his side softly, “You wanna go inside Zara?”

 

“No!” Daehwi almost shouts at his suggestion, ears heating up when people start to look at them. “Are you crazy? Just because I’ve gotten better at talking to him over text doesn’t mean I can face him in real life!”

 

“You’re gonna have to do it at one point, Daehwi. What if he’s been waiting for you to show up?”

 

If it’s even possible, Daehwi gets redder at that. “I doubt it. He’s not even gonna want to talk to me anymore if I continue to mess up and forget how to speak every time I see him.”

 

Before Daehwi can continue to mope about his inability to talk to Jinyoung face-to-face, Woojin is pushing them into the store, dodging all of Daehwi’s attempts to grab him by the neck. “What the heck are you doing?!”

 

Woojin takes the younger by the arm and drags him to the section Jinyoung is folding clothes in. The other boy hasn’t noticed them yet, Woojin needs to work fast at getting his attention before Daehwi can make a run for it. He pulls Daehwi towards a counter where there are chokers on display. “Oh hey, Daehwi! There are chokers here! Isn’t this the kind you’ve been looking for?”

 

He’s speaking a little too loudly for it to be a normal conversation and it may seem unnatural but it does get Jinyoung to turn his head towards them. Daehwi hits him in the shoulder but he moves away just as Jinyoung starts to walk towards them.

 

“Oh, hey guys! I haven’t seen you in a while.” Jinyoung’s eyes fall onto Daehwi, who’s clinging onto Woojin’s arm like his life depended on it. “Hi Daehwi, sorry I fell asleep during our conversation yesterday, I was really tired from work.”

 

“I-it’s okay!” Daehwi manages to squeak out, squeezing tighter at Woojin’s arm that Woojin feels like he might end up stopping his blood flow.

 

“So Daehwi was telling me that you guys were talking about the new horror movie that’s coming out. Why don’t you guys go see it together?” He tries to ignore the fingernails digging into his skin.

 

“That would be cool, but Daehwi told me he hates horror movies.”

 

“He was just kidding about that!” Woojin forces out a laugh, wondering how Jinyoung is even buying any of this because his is voice is the fakest thing he’s ever heard, even Woojin isn’t convincing himself. “He actually really loves horror movies.”

 

“Oh, really?” Jinyoung turns to Daehwi, eyes lit up in surprise, “Then maybe you wanna go check it out with me next weekend?”

 

Woojin raises his foot to kick at Daehwi’s calf softly when the younger doesn’t speak. “U-uh, yeah totally! Just.. text me the details!”

 

“Alright, cool! I have to get back to work but I’ll see you next Saturday!” Jinyoung waves them off and he feels Daehwi physically deflate into a pile of goo next to him when he’s finally out of sight. The blonde is crouched on the floor, head in his arms.

 

“I can’t believe.. you did that to me.”

 

Woojin brings the younger boy up to his feet, “You should be  _thanking_  me, I just got you a date with Bae Jinyoung!”

 

The evil glint in Daehwi’s eyes, Woojin knows by now, is an indication to start running for his life. And so he does.

 

 

They end up at Woojin’s favorite diner after the mall. Woojin’s arm is now sore and Daehwi had been freaking out for quite a long time after he realized he was just asked out on a maybe-date by Bae Jinyoung and now he doesn’t know what to do with himself. As Woojin reaches for the door, Daehwi is still ranting to him about how annoying it was that Jinyoung looked  _that_  good and how he wasn’t allowed to part his hair like that because his forehead was remarkable and it made him a little weak in the knees. The turn the corner to sit at Woojin’s (and Jihoon’s) usual spot, only to find Jihoon there alone.

 

Daehwi nudges his side, leaning in to whisper, “Is that Jihoon?”

 

Woojin nods awkwardly. He’s starting to freak out a little because Daehwi and Jihoon have never spoken properly and he really wants them to like each other. He’s not sure if they’re going to get along but he prays to God that they do because Jihoon has already looked up and spotted them.

 

The two of them walk towards the brunette and Woojin takes his seat beside him, Daehwi sitting on his left. “Hey, what are you doing here alone?”

 

“Well I was craving fries but you wouldn’t answer my texts so I decided to come alone.”

 

Woojin fumbles to pull his phone out of his pocket and guilt pools in his stomach as he sees the unread messages from Jihoon. “Shoot, sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you, I told Daehwi we’d spend the day together and I didn’t check my phone.”

 

Jihoon leans over to smile at Daehwi, “Hi, it’s been a while.”

 

“Yeah, we should go out for dinner again soon!” Woojin starts to relax when the atmosphere clears out of any awkwardness. Daehwi and Jihoon get along really well and Woojin almost feels left out, being in the middle of a conversation that he can’t really relate to.

 

“Yeah I’ve been in choir since middle school! I’m not great but singing has always been a hobby of mine.” Woojin narrows his eyes at the blonde. Daehwi was always one to downplay his skills, but as far as Woojin knows, Daehwi has an amazing tone, definitely a voice he’d listen to every day.

 

“I was in choir too! At first it was because I was a theater kid and they were putting on a musical and I wanted to get more experience in singing. But I grew to enjoy it, even though I’m nothing special.”

 

“You were a theater kid?” Woojin interjects, surprised there are still things he doesn’t know about Jihoon. They talk every day but there’s always something new with him.

 

“Yeah, I love acting. I decided not to go into it in college but for the entirety high school it was my life. I miss it a lot.”

 

“Well then, just because you didn’t tell me about it, you’re gonna have to demonstrate your skills one time.”

 

Jihoon snorts, “Hey, to be fair I haven’t even seen you dance yet.”

 

“Okay then let’s make a deal. Next week you show me some of your acting chops and your singing and then I’ll take you to one of my dance practices.” Woojin extends a hand for the brunette to shake, and Jihoon takes it, solidifying their deal. Neither of them notice how they don’t pull away for a while, almost forgetting about Daehwi’s presence until the younger clears his throat and asks them what they want to eat.

 

 

 

On the bus ride home, Woojin notices the look Daehwi’s been giving him. “What?”

 

The younger turns to look out the window and shrugs, “I don’t know, I just didn’t expect you two to be so friendly. Whenever you’re on the phone with him you guys are constantly bickering. It’s kind of different witnessing it in person.”

 

Woojin is confused at that because how could they be different? Surely they acted the same whether it was on the phone or in person. “What do you mean different?”

 

“I don’t know,” Daehwi purses his lips, “Like, when you’re on the phone all you can hear is the arguing, but when you’re speaking face-to-face the bickering is still there but I don’t see any of that in your eyes, or your body language for that matter. Do you even realize how close you two sit together? You literally tugged your chair so close to him I swear they were touching.”

 

He hadn’t noticed it before but he had a habit of pulling his chair in closer every time they went to eat at the diner recently. It’s only because he wants to hear Jihoon better in the midst of the conversations throughout the restaurant and the talking behind the counter.

 

“I mean, we don’t actually hate each other, I think. We just argue playfully, I guess. It’s just kind of how we work?”

 

“Yeah you seem to work really well together.” Daehwi gives him a sly smile.

 

“Why are you smiling at me like that?”

 

Daehwi only snorts at him, shifting to rest his head on Woojin’s shoulder. “No reason.”

 

 

 

 

 

The next day, Woojin is in his room with Jihoon and he’s dead set on getting Jihoon to sing for him today. And Woojin knows that as much as Jihoon tries to appear like he’s a self-assured all around character, his self-esteem ebbs low. Which is kind of ridiculous when he thinks about it, because Jihoon has so much going for him—his looks aren’t even  _half_ of his glory.

 

“Oh hey, how come I’ve never noticed this before?” Jihoon points at the wall of Woojin’s certificates, most of which he had gotten from various dance competitions. Woojin doesn’t even bother explaining them though because this isn’t what the focus should be on.

 

“Jihoon, you’ve been stalling for twenty minutes now. Are you gonna sing or not?”

 

Jihoon lets out an exasperated sigh, “Look, I’m really nothing special. I don’t know what you’re expecting but it won’t be much.”

 

“That really doesn’t matter to me,” Woojin reassures him, “I just wanna hear you do something other than insult me for once.”

 

The older tilts his head and looks at him in a way that says  _you’re exaggerating_ , “You’re stupid, I don’t _always_  insult you.”

 

Woojin gives him a pointed look and Jihoon realizes what had just come out of his mouth, “Okay,  _fine_. But just a snippet! And don’t expect anything.”

 

Woojin waits in silence as Jihoon gathers the courage to start singing. And when he does, it’s soothing—charming. Woojin doesn’t think he could get any softer—with his grey oversized sweater and soft brown locks falling in front of his eyes. But his voice makes him even softer and he’s just so  _enticing_.

 

He finishes with pink dusted across his cheeks and Woojin kind of wants to die at the sight. He can’t even stop himself from breaking out into a full grin and he’s clapping and ‘whoop’-ing and Jihoon gets even more embarrassed.

 

“S-stop overreacting..” Jihoon stammers out and covers his face with his sleeves.

 

“Or maybe  _you_  should just stop doubting yourself.” Woojin insists, “You must have been great in your musicals.”

 

‘N-no not really. I did better in plays because I think I’m a better actor than I am a singer. I only ever got small parts during musicals but plays were where I really shined.”

 

There’s a change to his tone as he gets into talking about his life in theater. He remembers watching his first play and being envious of the main actor, because at the time, he didn’t think he had anything going for him. He recalls pacing back and forth in front of the sign-up sheets outside the drama class for almost half an hour, before finally signing his name down in a hurry and running away. He had practiced non-stop for his audition, working himself to the bone until he had the scene so perfect and until even Donghan had remembered some of his lines from having to be his audience all the time. He talks about how he had been given a pretty significant character despite it being his first time, and after receiving so many praises from his teachers and other students, he started to feel like he finally belonged somewhere.

 

Jihoon continues on about his love for the play he did in the eleventh grade but Woojin is lost. He’s so, so lost in Jihoon’s eyes—how they form crescents when he laughs as he explains the one time one of the background actors gave everyone a huge laugh because of a wardrobe malfunction, how there’s so much joy and delight in them. Woojin is baffled at himself for never truly noticing before, just how  _beautiful_  he is. And really, if he could, he would give Jihoon his eyes, just so he could see—so he could  _understand_  how radiant he is.

 

It’s too much to take in—the flutter of his eyelashes that make Woojin feel so serene, the tranquil of his voice and the beckoning of his cherry lips. He’s so lost that it takes him a while to notice that Jihoon is now looking at him with concern.

 

“Hey, are you okay?”

 

Woojin shakes his head free of thoughts and clears his throat, “Uh, yeah I’m just a little sleepy.”

 

“Wow, did I bore you that much?” His tone is playful but Woojin still feels horrible.

 

“No! I didn’t mean sleepy I meant uhh—“ He tries to think of a better word to use but Jihoon is too impatient to deal with his sluggishness and frankly, Woojin lacks the vocabulary to prove his point, so he’s thankful when Jihoon shrugs it off.

 

“It’s okay, really. It’s getting late anyways, I should go.”

 

Woojin wants to tell him to stay. For some reason he doesn’t feel like a day is enough to see Jihoon, even when he sees him every day. But he can’t say anything when Jihoon packs up his stuff, and he can only say goodnight when he walks out the door.

 

“Goodnight, Woojin.”

 

The word barely leaves his mouth, “Goodnight.”

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

_that sweet syrup called you  
your temptation is my sin_

 

 

 

Woojin takes him to dance practice after school one day. Jihoon usually isn’t intimidated by other people but Taehyun gives him a once over the second he steps in behind Woojin and he kind of wants to make a run for it if it weren’t for Woojin holding onto his arm. And even though Woojin had warned him about Taehyun, he thought he would be able to handle it. He now understands that sometimes, Woojin is right.

 

After Woojin explains to Taehyun that Jihoon is his friend who came to watch him practice, and debunks an accusation from Taehyun about him being some sort of spy for the  _other team_  to steal pieces of their choreography, the younger boy leads him to the front of the dance floor and sits him against the mirror.

 

“Are you sure I can sit here? Aren’t I blocking you guys or something?”

 

“You’re fine, don’t worry. And you’ll be sitting, it’s not like we need that one small part of the mirror that badly.”

 

“Alright.” Jihoon agrees but still crumples his body up as much as possible to avoid taking up unnecessary space, pouting when Woojin notices and laughs at him. For the duration of their warm up he just sits there and watches because he feels like if he takes out his phone he’ll look inconsiderate. It’s not boring though because he realizes what Woojin means when he says their cardio is  _vigorous_. By the time they’re done Woojin is almost collapsed on the floor, sweating indecently and his hair is even messier than it usually is but as expected, it doesn’t even make him look horrible, not in the slightest. It’s even more spine-tingling when he finally notices that Woojin is in a loose tank and his arms are suddenly the only things he can focus on. It infuriates him.

 

Their competition piece, from what he can tell with his little knowledge of dancing, is  _really_  good. Not a single person falls behind, they’re in perfect synchronization that it has Jihoon wondering if it’s just his eyes that are seeing it wrong or if they are just _that_  amazing. But Woojin, he really is the star of the show. And then Jihoon figures that he probably  _was_  seeing things when he thought that the group was perfectly in sync because he’s not sure how he’d be able to tell when he can’t even seem to get his eyes off of Woojin.

 

Jihoon is so enraptured by him—the way he moves across the floor with so much sureness, like he knows it’s where he belongs. And he does.

 

He regrets ever thinking good things about Woojin however, when the younger one decides that his part in the front and center is the perfect chance to be the biggest, teasing little shit he can.

 

They’re face to face now and Woojin isn’t even looking in the mirror, his eyes are directly on Jihoon. Jihoon wishes he could stop staring because it’s probably way too obvious how affected he is by his dancing but his body never listens to him when it comes to Woojin because he just can’t look away.

 

Their sudden stare off becomes what Jihoon thinks is the biggest struggle of his life and if he thought that it couldn’t get worse then he should really just never trust himself again because who the fuck thought it was okay to put grinding in this choreo? Who the fuck thought it was okay to put Woojin in the front and center during the grinding in this choreo? Who the _fuck_  thought it was okay to put Woojin in the front and center during the grinding in this choreo and didn’t think to warn him that he was going to be on eye to eye level with Woojin when he was doing this grinding?

 

Suddenly the room is way hotter than he remembers it being for it being winter and he was stupid to not take off his coat because he’s sweating a lot—maybe even more than Woojin and this point and he’s finally found it in him to look away but all he can hope for is that Woojin is dense enough to not have realized how flustered he had gotten. But of course, the universe hates him and when he flits his gaze back to the younger boy, he just smirks at him.

 

Oh he  _definitely_  knows that he’s getting to him, and he’s having fun with it. Woojin knows he’s in his element here, he’s purposely trying to get a rise out of him because he’s quite possibly very aware that he’s the definition of delectable on the dance floor and it’s every kind of torturing.

 

And that’s not even the end either because when the song finishes he winks softly before turning to the back for their end formation. He  _winks._

 

Park Woojin just winked at him.

 

This is every kind of  _not okay_  and Jihoon immediately regrets coming along because he really,  _really_  didn’t need that in his life and he doesn’t need that image replaying in his mind, no sir. Was this his plan in the first place? To bring Jihoon here, sit him smack dab in front of the middle of the mirror, knowing  _damn well_  he would have a killing part right in front of him? Jihoon can’t even begin to find a word that describes how  _rude_  Park Woojin is, all that’s running through his mind as he’s looking at him is  _bitch no one asked you_.

 

After practice finishes Jihoon is waiting outside the studio doors for Woojin, trying to coming up with an excuse if the younger decides to bring him _that_  moment. He’s usually great at lying, hiding his feelings so he doesn’t have to explain himself. So why is it that the voice in his head won’t stop going  _Woojin Woojin Woojin Woojin_?

 

“Hey,” Woojin comes out of the studio, still glistening and Jihoon tries his best to look put together, “So, how was it?”

 

“It was alright, I guess.” Jihoon forces out without stumbling, hoping he sounds as aloof as he wants to. “Would have been a smarter move to put you in the back of the formation though.”

 

Woojin chuckles and flashes his annoying smile and Jihoon just wants to  _leave_  already, “Ohh, I get it. You’re embarrassed because I caught you ogling me.”

 

“I did what?!” Jihoon splutters out. Definitely not put together at all. He’s very much falling apart in front of the annoying raven-haired boy, and not even slowly—he’s unwinding so fast he feels like a cue ball, speeding down the table on his way to break everything in his path, and it would be fan-fucking-tastic if Woojin is one of those things.

 

“You were staring me down so hard, don’t act like you don’t know.”

 

Jihoon is absolutely incredulous, and not at the accusation being a lie, but at the fact that Woojin can see right through him. But he’s not supposed to be the tease, why can’t he think of a comeback? “What do you mean  _I_  was staring  _you_  down? You were the one who wouldn’t look away! And you know how competitive I am, I wasn’t gonna back down either!”

 

“Riight.” Woojin sends him a wink again before walking away and Jihoon actually put him in a headlock.

 

Woojin grabs his arms and tries to wriggle out of his hold. “You know, people who are sure of themselves don’t try this vehemently to prove their point.”

 

Jihoon releases the younger, shoving him away. “You’re ridiculous.”

 

“And  _you’re_  still blushing.” Woojin pats his cheek before walking away, leaving Jihoon seething.

 

 

 

There’s light snow falling from the sky as they walk down the sidewalk. Christmas lights are everywhere he looks and Jihoon is in love with the ambiance of it all. The soft breeze of the winter wind, the jingling bells, the laughter of children, and the warmth of a stranger’s smile. Something about the holiday made him feel warm inside, and even though he had stopped getting presents long ago, he’s still able to enjoy the music and the decorations, and definitely enjoys seeing the huge Christmas tree near the fountain in the middle of the city. It really is one of the most beautiful times of the year.

 

He’s been rubbing his hands together for the longest time, having forgotten to bring a pair of gloves (to be fair, he didn’t think he’d be spending much time outside anyways but Woojin wanted to walk outside for a bit and he loved the scenery of the outlets at night too much to disagree). Woojin finally notices that he looks like he’s freezing, but he doesn’t seem to be as affected by the temperature, “Are you cold?”

 

Jihoon nods, teeth chattering and a strong shiver goes through his body. For a second, he thinks Woojin might do something annoyingly heart-racing like hold his hands or something, but instead, the younger grabs onto the sleeve of his coat and drags him to a near café. “Let’s go get hot chocolate!”

 

 

 

 

Jihoon finds the selca they had taken in the café framed on Woojin’s desk, right next to a picture of him with Daehwi, Youngmin and Donghyun. Woojin had his arm slung around him, holding up a peace sign and flashing his snaggletooth. And Jihoon thinks he looks happy, happier than he’s been in a long time.

 

“I look great in that picture.” Woojin’s voice comes from behind him, with a pompous smirk.

 

Jihoon rolls his eyes— he’s definitely not  _wrong_ , but he’s definitely not getting the satisfaction of getting Jihoon to admit it either. “Not as good as I do.”

 

“I remember you spilled your hot chocolate on me like three seconds after, though.”

 

Jihoon sneers at the younger, “ _You_  spill your hot chocolate on  _me_. And then you justified it by saying the color of my sweater was ugly anyways.”

 

“Well, was I wrong?”

 

Jihoon goes into a full-on rant about how people should stop judging the clothes he wears, interspersed with hiccups and he has to give up because Woojin is trying to stifle his laughter and he knows that he’s already laughing at him in his head—not his definition of a powerful, convincing argument.

 

They’re eating sandwiches they bought from the school cafeteria on Woojin’s small coffee table because they didn’t have luck in finding a free table anywhere around the campus. Jihoon suddenly becomes conscious of eating in front of him, even though he knows it’s not a big deal. But he can’t _not_ be self-conscious when Woojin is practically staring at him as he’s eating.

 

Thankfully, Woojin doesn’t seem to be too focused on _just_  looking at him anymore and asks him more about his theater days. He’s glad that he’s interested in it because it’s been so long since Jihoon has been able to talk to someone about it. He’s always felt a little empty after high school, and sure, he liked his major, but acting was always his favorite outlet. He realizes how much he’s smiling when his cheeks start to hurt and Woojin is looking at him amusedly.

 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jihoon asks awkwardly, hiding behind his sandwich.

 

Woojin just continues to gaze at him for a while with those eyes and it’s making him nervous—but definitely not in the butterflies kind of way, just in the  _I get uncomfortable if people look at me too long_ kind of nervous. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re perfect?”

 

Jihoon stares slack-jawed at the boy in front of him, doubting his ears because  _what_.

 

“In another life I might have fallen in love with you on your smile alone.”

 

“Thank you.” Jihoon says with gratitude and not at all trying to hide the obvious color rising to his cheeks. He’s always been told he had a nice smile, and he’s not going to let himself feel any different just because Woojin is the one saying it. He’s not any different, it’s just a compliment, and Jihoon is used to hearing them. His heart is _hardly_  racing. Of course, he can’t really come up with an explanation as to why his sandwich quite literally comes apart onto the plastic on the table, leaving him holding only the bread.

 

And Woojin, after being the reason of his sudden ungainliness, has the audacity to  _laugh_  at him, “Someone’s flustered.” He’s waggling his eyebrows and Jihoon wants nothing more than to permanently freeze his facial features so he doesn’t have to make those annoying expressions ever again.

 

“I’m not flustered, I’m just.. clumsy.” Woojin is still laughing at him but Jihoon is still hung on whether or not he was just messing with him or if it was genuine.

 

“Whatever you say.” Woojin sends him a wink and he’s ready to get and up leave.

 

‘You need to stop stealing my trademark!” Jihoon whines, “It doesn’t suit you.”

 

“Would you rather me do jazz hands from now on?” Woojin raises his hands and starts to shake them dramatically, dancing along playfully.

 

Jihoon scoffs, “I hate you.” He picks up a piece of chicken that had fallen out of his sandwich and shoves it into the younger’s mouth.

 

“I don’t know why,” Woojin starts (after almost choking on the piece of chicken), “But for some reason It means a lot to me when you say that.”

 

Jihoon throws him a weird look because it’s not every day someone shows you gratitude for telling then that you hate them. “What are you talking about, Woojin? Are you drunk?”

 

The younger rolls his eyes, “No, I just mean.. it makes me kind of happy, because I know you’re saying it playfully, and you don’t mean it. I just feel like it says a lot about how far I—  _we’ve_  come. And even though I’ll spend the rest of my life being sorry, I’ll also spend the rest of it making it up to you.”

 

Jihoon can only hope Woojin doesn’t hear the way his breath hitches. He finds it amazing how he’s been able to hold himself together the entire time, especially with everything that Woojin has said to him. He’s salvation and destruction all at once, out to get him with his sweet words and melting smiles. And Jihoon swears Woojin knows what he’s doing to him, and he’s having fun with it. But even then, none of it seems fake. Now that he thinks about it, Woojin is always making a show of how Jihoon has become one of the most important people in his life, and that will never lose its novelty. And though he’d love to show him gratitude back, for getting him to open up again and helping him realize that there are people who love him, he’s still Park Emotionally Stunted Jihoon, so he casually brushes it off.

 

Though there’s still something that’s been bugging him, and it takes him a while to force it out of himself. He looks down at his crumbled sandwich, putting it back together as he finally brings it up, “Are you really not mad at me for the whole winkly revenge thing?”

 

He doesn’t want to look up, doesn’t want to see a look on Woojin’s face that would make him regret bringing it back to light. They were doing fine, but Jihoon just wants to make sure if Woojin is genuinely okay. “I was mad at first. But after thinking about it for a while, I thought that it was an instinctive thing to do, especially to someone who treated you like I did.”

 

“I really didn’t want to go through with it after you apologized though, I promise. I was genuine about our friendship, I still am.”

 

Jihoon chews on his lip as he watches Woojin’s expression. The younger just smiles softly, “I know. You were just caught up in your emotions when you found out. I might have done the same if I was in your place. But if you say that you didn’t mean to go through with it, then I believe you.” The younger pops a fry into his mouth before adding, “And besides, I would never deprive myself of the joy of watching you never eat ice cream properly.”

 

It’s crazy how worlds away more mature Woojin is now, even more than him. And Jihoon can only hope that neither of them fuck this up, because if he has to admit it, Woojin has such a meaningful and influential role in his life.

 

“You’re a real softie, aren’t you?”

 

Even Woojin’s closed-mouth smiles are charming. “I give credit where its due.”

 

 

 

 

 

December means finals are coming up, which also means you have some expectations for yourself to stay sane until the last question, until you realize that’s fucking ridiculous and you kind of _really_  want to run into a cave and hibernate forever.

 

Woojin is a lot more than a little stressed, to say the very least. He had started his studying extra early, giving himself at least three weeks in advanced to make sure he had everything down solid. But after day two he’s slowly starting to give up on himself and he’s not even sure if he’s been retaining everything he’s been reading for the past two days.

 

There are these pretty white lights hanging on the wall beside their table in the library, and Woojin gets distracted staring at them. He’s been procrastinating for an hour now and he can’t seem to get back into it no matter how much he’s yelling at himself in his head.

 

Jihoon has been aloof with him the entire night. Woojin knows he's not angry, because he wouldn’t be with him in the library if he was. But there’s definitely something wrong, and it might have been something he did but he’s a little too dense to figure it out. He can’t remember anything that might have been said that could have hurt his feelings, or anything that he had done to make the older so standoffish. It’s not like Jihoon is giving him the time of day either, because every time he tries to speak, Jihoon stops him with a finger to his mouth and shushes him, claiming he’s trying to focus on studying. And Woojin would have been convinced if Jihoon had thrown him a single sarcastic comment, but today has been absolutely free of them and it’s starting to bother him.

 

Jihoon gets up toward the bookshelves and Woojin follows him. He’s scanning the row of the closest one, ignoring Woojin’s presence even when Woojin knows he senses him.

 

“Jihoon, why are you doing this?”

 

The older doesn’t even spare him a look, walking slowly down the aisle and scanning the names. “I’m looking for a book that Yoojung told me would help me out.”

 

“No I mean why aren’t you speaking to me?”

 

“I’m speaking to you now, aren’t I?”

 

“This is the most you’ve said to me said all day.” Jihoon goes silent again, running his fingers down the spines of books. Woojin sighs, forking his fingers through his hair. “Hey.” Woojin says softly, “Will you please tell me what’s wrong so I can try to fix it?”

 

Jihoon turns to him with an exasperated look. Woojin tries not to pay attention to the mistletoe hanging above them, who the hell thought to hang a mistletoe in the library? That’s just a recipe for disaster.

 

His eyes fly back to Jihoon, who has his eyes shut, looking impatient. “Well maybe sometimes people just don’t. want. to. talk. Woojin.”

 

“Why don’t you want to talk to me? What did I do?” Woojin places his hands on Jihoon’s shoulders, turning the older to face him. When they’re face to face, Woojin realizes how close they are. Jihoon’s doe eyes are looking at him in an attempt to look as indignant as he can but all Woojin sees is uncertainty. And then his eyes find his lips—cherry red from being bitten, and for a long few seconds all Woojin can think about is if he was biting down on them  _himself_.

 

Whatever Woojin is about to say dies on his lips as he follows Jihoon’s gaze towards them. His breaths become short and sharp, becoming more and more aware of their proximity. He thinks that if Jihoon doesn’t start talking soon then they’re going to be in quite apparent predicament.

 

Woojin doesn’t even know when he had taken Jihoon’s hand in his, but the latter probably hadn’t noticed either. His fingers tap rhythmically against his palm. Woojin swallows hard, a heat rising in his stomach. Jihoon finally realizes their hands and pulls his away, eyes darting to the side.

 

“Will you please tell me what’s wrong?” More silence. “Jihoon..”

 

“You wanna know what’s wrong?” The older explodes, cocking his head back towards him, eyes flashing. Woojin thinks it’s a good thing that it’s already eleven in the evening and most people are gone by now since they would be quite a disturbance if it were day time. “You!  _You_  are the problem! You always have this stupid smile dangling on the corner of your lips and you always have this look in your eyes that I can’t decipher but it’s there whenever you say something nice to me and I don’t know what to make of it!”

 

Jihoon pauses to inhale a sharp breath, lips set in a grim line. “You say all these things and I hate it because you’re not allowed to say things you don’t mean. And I have no fucking idea why I even care or why I overthink everything you say as if it matters that much to me but it does because it’s  _you_  and you make me feel a myriad of emotions that I can’t even explain and all of this is just so confusing but you don’t seem to be having a hard time at all!”

 

His eyes are flashing with something that looks like anger but Woojin knows it isn’t quite that. He’s not even sure if he’s in the right mindset to be able to tell anyways because he’s still trying to process what Jihoon is saying.

 

“And you’re supposed to be annoying and a pain in the ass but I enjoy being with you way more than I think I should and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do—“

 

There’s a whole list of practical things Woojin could have done but apparently, in the moment the most sensible thing to do was to cut Jihoon off with his lips. Woojin plunges forward, crashes their lips together in a searing kiss. He’s not sure who led who against the bookcase but in an instant his body is pressed tightly against Jihoon’s, resting his hands on the small of his back to pull him in even closer. Jihoon’s fingers knot loosely in his hair, as he kisses back impatiently— _needily_. There’s no finesse to it, at first it’s just teeth clashing and clumsy until they manage to find the perfect rhythm. It’s frenzied and hot—like the tension building up between them is starting to resolve. Jihoon is sweet on his tongue, like strawberries as he parts his lips to let him taste him.

 

And then Jihoon is leading him back towards their table, pushing him down onto the chair and moving to straddle him. His hands are still pulling through his hair, fingers raking against the surface of his scalp and Woojin lets out a soft growl into his mouth. Woojin’s hands move to explore Jihoon’s body, sliding down the expanse of his back to his hips, fingers digging lightly into his soft curves, and then they settle on his ass, squeezing tightly and pulling the older even closer to him. The friction he causes by pressing him closer to him elicits a moan from Jihoon that sends a tingle down his spine, pooling in his gut and he mumbles a soft, low “fuck” against his plush lips.

 

Jihoon is nipping at his lips, rolling his hips slowly and unwinding Woojin down to the last thread because  _holy fuck_  he’s good at this. Breathing almost becomes a conscious thought when all Woojin can focus on is Jihoon’s mouth on his own, tongue stroking its way into his mouth. And he sure as hell can’t form coherent thoughts when Jihoon is running his hands down his chest, fingers hovering dangerously close to the hem of his jeans.

 

When Woojin gets caught up in the moment and works his fingers to slip Jihoon’s flannel off, the older freezes, slowly pulling away. They just look at each other for a second, all disheveled and red. And then Jihoon is getting off of him, grabbing his bag and rushing towards the exit, leaving no time for Woojin to even process what had just happened.

 

Woojin just sits there, staring emptily at the bookshelf where he and Jihoon were a while ago, and then at his useless legs that couldn’t find it in them to follow him. For a while just sits there, and wonders what went wrong.

 

 

They had been so close just seconds ago, and now Jihoon is impossibly far. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys know how i end my chapters by now, like honestly who is even surprised
> 
> so im sad to say but this is going to be the last time you're going to have to wait for a chapter, because this story ends next week )): im gonna get super sappy at the end of this i've grown so attached to this story and this journey with all of you has been so great with all of your support and encouragement (and hate but i probably deserve that), so thank you for sticking with me ♡


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's the end, friends. buckle in.

 

6. 

  
the end.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 _we’re finding ourselves  
no rush, no force, just time_  
_though life can throw us misery_  
_you can find a home in me_

 

 

Woojin thinks he’s finally run out of words. There’s still so much he wants to say, things he wants to figure out. But if you ever try to ask him, he wouldn’t know what to say. Because there’s really no way to describe it; it’s indescribable only because it is everything—yet somehow even everything isn’t enough to depict it.

 

It’s the alleviation of vacancy—the absence of that hollow feeling. It’s almost fictional, really—to have become so enamored with what was once held to be so _wrong_. They say change is inevitable, but progress is not. Maybe it was his intention to grow that considered him a second chance, but an open mind to ponder that granted it. Sometimes bad events lead to good outcomes, and the glory of his todays will always outshine the infamy of his yesterdays.

 

Daehwi would beg to differ, because glory is definitely not what Daehwi would use for Woojin, being with the look of sheer indignation he’s giving him right now.

 

“I like him.” Woojin says, upright and unwavering. He’s proud of himself, he really is. And shouldn’t Daehwi be too?

 

“What?”

 

“I like Jihoon.”

 

Daehwi looks at him for a long minute—eyes half open, hair sticking out in every direction, wearing pajamas that are way too big for him and an eye mask that has fallen to circle his neck. And truthfully, Woojin isn’t sure what time it is, but it’s quite dark out and it has been for a while, but friendship doesn’t have a curfew, and neither does his feelings. Woojin waits—he waits for the hug, the squeal of delight, really anything of the sort. He’s kind of stupid though, he always knew his expectations were.

 

Daehwi lunges forward with his hands, grabbing at his neck and shaking him vigorously. If this were anyone else, he would have them in an arm twist right away. But Daehwi—Woojin _never_ seems to learn—is the spawn of pure malevolence in the late of the night. “What in the ever-loving _hell_ , Park Woojin?! You couldn’t have just told me that in the _morning_?”

 

Woojin grabs a hold of the younger’s shoulders. It’s all very dramatic, that a passerby could think they were performing some sort of script. “I’m basically sinking in quicksand, okay! And I need you to pull me out of it because that’s what best friends _do_!”

 

Daehwi sighs, leaning against the doorframe and putting a head to his forehead theatrically. “At least come in, would you?”

 

So Woojin sits on Daehwi’s couch, opposite from him. Anyone else would shift uncomfortably under his deathly glare, but Woojin has been on the receiving end of it for far too long that it hardly even fazes him anymore. If anything, he just looks like an angry puppy, and though he’s definitely, _definitely_ capable of doing physical harm, he only ever opts for verbal attacks. Woojin’s mentality is far from apathetic, _sensitive_ could be his middle name if he didn’t hide so well behind sarcasm and insults. But friendship is also being accepting and understanding that yes, he deserves it sometimes—and now is _definitely_ one of those times.

 

“Listen here you feeble-minded idiot,” _That’s a new one_ , Woojin notes, _not wrong though_. “I know you know that I love you, and most of the time that’s true—“

 

“Most of the time?!”

 

“Shut up.” Daehwi holds a hand up to shush him. “But that in no way permits you to show up on my porch, knocking at my door at _two in the fucking morning_ (this berating is somehow familiar to Woojin) to talk about a tomorrow problem!”

 

“I thought we had a pact.” Woojin pouts, pulling the most pitiful look of betrayal. And really, who is he kidding? He’s talking to the king of manipulation here.

 

“Unless you show up with a contract and get me to sign it, friendship rules don’t apply between midnight to _at least_ seven in the morning unless it’s an emergency.”

 

“But this _is_ an emergency!”

 

“Is it really? Is it _really_ an emergency when literally everyone knows and you’re just slow to figure it out?”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“You see, at first I thought you were playing dumb.” Daehwi has moved to his side, having turned Woojin to face him like he’s a parent lecturing their child. Woojin winces slightly, it’s a little jarring—stirs up some memories that he doesn’t want invading his mind anymore—but he lets him continue anyways. “I was like ‘okay I know he’s dumb but he can’t be _that_ dumb, right?’ But you always know how to prove me wrong because really? Are you really _that_ shaken up about this discovery that you thought the smartest thing to do was show up to my house at 2am just to tell me what I already knew?”

 

Woojin instinctively shifts away from Daehwi as his voice gets louder. He knows Daehwi understands why by the look on his face; if Woojin is terribly slow at realizations, then Daehwi is quick to catch on. “S-sorry.” His voice goes quiet instantly, hands reaching out to hold his, and that one movement is what differs the moment from all of the rest. There’s comfort and unspoken affection; there’s loudness but there’s no hate. It’s everything that Woojin had hoped to have as a child, and even though it’s late, the appreciation is so much bigger.

 

“It’s okay. I know I’m being unreasonable right now but I just—“ Daehwi swipes his thumb soothingly over the back of his hand. “It’s all new to me, you know? It’s been so long since I’ve allowed myself to fall for someone like this, but at least now I know why. And I didn't think that when the time came, it would be this extreme, but I swear that doesn’t even _begin_ describe the half of it. Like, am I supposed to be breathing when I see him? Because I don't, I have to remind myself every time because it’s such a conscious thing when I’m around him.

 

“And did you know it’s possible for eyes to sparkle? _Sparkle_ , Daehwi! That used to be the most ridiculous fucking thing I’ve ever heard, but then Jihoon shows up and validates every disgusting metaphor for beauty because it’s literally _his_ word. And _don’t look at me like that_ because I know this is embarrassing but I can’t help what I feel, okay?!”

 

Woojin is in a full-on crisis by now and Daehwi is _laughing_ at him.

 

“Stop making fun of me! I didn’t come here at 2am to be made fun of I came for help!”

 

Daehwi stops laughing when he’s reminded of what time it is and somehow, that triggers his lethargy again. “I can’t believe I almost forgot how you barged into my house at such an ungodly hour.”

 

“Well you’re awake now so get over it, you’re gonna suffer with me.” Woojin huffs stubbornly. Daehwi totally hates him right now but it’s nothing new.

 

“If you think that I’m going to suffer alone then you don’t know me.”

 

Woojin snorts, knowing exactly what’s about to happen. “Oh, I know you. I know you like the back of my hand.”

 

And that’s why he’s not surprised when Donghyun and Youngmin show up at Daehwi’s door at 2:30am, all to help Woojin figure out how to sort out the disarray that is his feelings for Jihoon with Daehwi because misery loves company.  

 

“First of all, where is your mother? And why hasn’t she called the police on us for late night disturbances?” Is the first thing Youngmin says when he walks in, carrying a half-asleep Donghyun with one arm.

 

“She’s out of the country. Woojin is so lucky she is, otherwise he would have come face to face with my mom holding a knife at his throat.” Woojin throws up his hands instinctively to cover his neck.

 

Donghyun stands up immediately—so fast that he almost falls over and Youngmin has to catch him. “What? You’re here alone? For how long? Why didn’t you tell us?”

 

Daehwi shrugs, “Like a week or something, and it’s not that big of a deal.”

 

Donghyun claps his hands together resolutely, “That’s it. We’re sleeping here for the week guys.”

 

“Donghyun, I’m fine—“

 

“No arguments! We’re having a week long sleepover and you’re not allowed to fight me on it.” Donghyun wanders further into the house, “Where do you keep your spare blankets?”

 

Half an hour later (it takes them this long to figure out who was going to sleep on the floor and who would take up the couch)(Daehwi ends up sleeping on the floor with Woojin), they’re sprawled about in Daehwi’s living room, with the fireplace going and Christmas music playing softly in the background.

 

“I can’t believe I have to sleep on the floor in my own house.” Daehwi grumbles, slipping under the covers and curling up next to Woojin. Youngmin and Donghyun, as fatherly as they are, refused to give up their spots on the couch because it’s three in the morning and the younger ones had called them out in the middle of their sleep, so they deserved it. “And with _Woojin_! He’s the one who started this mess!”

 

“Oh please, you’re clearly loving the fact that we’re staying here.” Woojin taps on Daehwi’s left arm, which is slung tightly across his waist.

 

“This means nothing. I’m just cold and coincidentally, you always seem to be warm.” Daehwi snuggles closer in spite of his petulance. He’s always reminded Woojin of a (very high maintenance) puppy—one that could potentially leave dents in your arm, but occasionally cute and cuddly.

 

“So, are we ever actually gonna get to the reason why we’re here in the first place?”

 

“Oh yeah!” Daehwi springs up, and Woojin wonders how the boy can go from drained to over-excited puppy in the span of 0.05 seconds. Woojin rolls onto his stomach to join the circle. “Woojin finally admitted his feelings for Jihoon!”

 

Donghyun and Youngmin share a look, and then Youngmin looks back at Woojin with a _what the hell_ glare and he’s seen that look way too many times—glares should really be named after him. “That’s why we’re here? You called a family emergency in the middle of the night, because Woojin was finally the last person on Earth to discover this information?”

 

Woojin slams his face into his pillow, groaning. “Ugh, you guys are acting like it was the most obvious thing in the world!”

 

“Honey, that’s because it was.” Woojin flings Daehwi’s arm off of his shoulder. He looks to Donghyun in hope for at least _one_ person to be on his side, but apparently he knew too.

 

“You’re not very.. subtle? With your heart eyes you know.” Donghyun makes finger hearts and places them over his eyes for emphasis.

 

“What do you mean heart eyes?” Woojin pales slightly, “You.. you can actually see those when I look at him? I thought that was only metaphorical!”

 

“You could very well be an anime character because they literally bulge out of their sockets every time you see him.” Youngmin snickers. This really isn’t the sort of talk that’s helping Woojin calm down, if anything, it’s only making him ten times more anxious. If his friends could read him like a book, then wouldn’t Jihoon be able to? Jihoon is, after all, quite the expert at observing people and their emotions. Why wouldn’t he have figured it out by now?

 

His head falls face first onto his pillow again, and this time, he wraps it around his head and rolls to the other side of the room, taking the blanket with him.

 

“Hey! It’s cold, come back!”

 

In the end, Daehwi has to get up and roll Woojin back to the couches. He’s fully wrapped in the blanket by now and refuses to get out of it.

 

“So, what are you gonna do?”

 

“I don’t know. What should I do?” Woojin sighs, “If I know Jihoon, he’ll be avoiding me for the next few days, maybe weeks.”

 

Daehwi unravels him from the blanket and lays it over the both of them. Donghyun props himself on his elbow, “I think you should find him and tell him exactly how you feel.”

 

“Yeah, just because you kissed doesn’t mean he knows what you’re feeling. He could be thinking that you just did it in the heat of the moment and that it didn’t mean anything.” Daehwi adds, to which Donghyun and Youngmin’s eyes both widen at.

 

“You kissed him?!”

 

Woojin turns crimson, pulling the blanket further over his head. His muffled voice comes out, “We were in the library next to a bookshelf and I kind of stopped him from talking by kissing him.”

 

Donghyun’s hands fly up to cover his gasp of shock. “And then what happened?”

 

“Um..” Woojin stalls for a while, partly because he’s scared his voice will give out the second he recalls what had happened out loud with his own mouth. “I—It got a little heated and then I,” His voice starts to get quiet, “tried to slip his flannel off and he got up and ran away.”

 

“What?!” He hears Donghyun’s voice pierce the air.

 

“Oh my God, Woojin.”

 

Daehwi smacks him on the arm, “Woojin! You tried to undress him in the _library_?!”

 

“It was the heat of the moment!” Woojin sits up, screeching defensively.

 

Daehwi’s shriek is even louder, “What were you planning on doing in the _library_??”

 

“I don’t know! I couldn’t think, stop judging me!”

 

‘Wow, didn’t pin you as the wild type.” Donghyun flicks Youngmin’s forehead.

 

Woojin groans, “I’m not wild! I just got caught up in the moment!”

 

“Okay can we stop putting this image in my head?” Daehwi fakes a gag, scrunching his nose up.

 

The four of them spend an hour talking, most of it is slurred and incomprehensible that anyone who walked in on them would think they were drunk. They talk until they fall asleep, with Donghyun giving each of them a kiss on the forehead (despite Woojin’s protests). Woojin hugs a tired Daehwi to sleep, patting his hair while Daehwi hums until he’s snoring.

 

 

 

 

Woojin tries to talk to Jihoon the next day. And he would, if only he had been able to find him. It turns out, Jihoon is better at avoiding him than he expects, because he’s not in his usual places anymore. He doesn’t pick up Woojin’s calls or answer his texts, and Woojin doesn’t even know Donghan’s phone number and hasn’t even really _met_ him yet for him to be able to ask him. At first, he contemplates actually showing up at Jihoon’s house, but the thought of meeting Donghan in that situation doesn’t sound like a good idea, so he eventually ends up giving up completely for the day.

 

Woojin leaves the library after his last search for Jihoon, heading towards his dorms when he sees a familiar head of messy brown hair and a bright yellow sweater that’s most definitely part of Jihoon’s closet. The boy turns around and by now, Woojin is right in front of him. He looks startled, like he’s about to run away any second. Woojin speaks up before he can.

 

“I’m sorry.” Jihoon is still wide-eyed, his face almost falls when Woojin apologizes. “I didn’t mean to come on to you like that without your permission and I might have taken it too far and I’m sorry.”

 

The older is looking down, kicking at the floor with his left foot but he still doesn’t say anything.

 

Woojin continues, “But that doesn’t mean it was a mistake.” Jihoon’s head cocks up at that, eyebrows drawn together, scrutinizing. “I know it might have seemed like an impulsive spur of the moment act, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t feelings behind it. I hope you don’t think it was like that.”

 

He takes a deep breath before expelling his next words in a heavy exhale, “I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re on my mind way too much for this to be normal and every time I look at you I’m reminded of how you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and that was the most disgusting thing that’s ever come out of my mouth but I don’t know how to stop myself. And I’m scared to be brutally rejected after this because you’re an 11 and I’m a solid 4 and you deserve so much better than me.

 

“I didn’t plan on talking for this long so basically the point is I like you a _lot_ and I just— wanted you to.. know that, I guess.”

 

Woojin isn’t even sure if he’s breathing right now, he feels extremely lightheaded and the last thing he wants to do is look at Jihoon’s face because he knows what’s coming. So he keeps his gaze on the floor, huffing to catch his breath. There’s only silence for a while, and it’s deafening. Woojin wants nothing more than for the ground under his feet to swallow him up. He waits with baited breath for his reply.

 

“I—“ Jihoon’s voice cuts in softly, and Woojin’s head snaps up. “I feel it too,” Jihoon gulps visibly, looking Woojin in the eyes, “what you’re feeling.”

 

Woojin can’t hide the shock on his face, but he’s trying his hardest not to let the excitement show. How could he not? There’s a whole stunner in front of him, telling him that he likes him too. And it’s not a surprise that Woojin would fall for Jihoon, but Jihoon liking Woojin? That wasn’t even a thing that he could have considered possible before this. “C-cool.” They stand there, red-faced for a while, rocking back and forth on their heels. “Could I ask you something?”

 

Jihoon nods slowly. “Why did you run away yesterday?”

 

The brunette opens his mouth to talk but closes it shortly after. It takes him a while to talk, “I got scared. That after it was over, you’d realize that it was a mistake. I’ve only ever had one real relationship and it ended badly. I just.. didn’t want it to escalate and then find out it didn’t mean anything. And I know I’ve had meaningless hookups in the past but you’re.. different. And then after a while I had stop meeting people altogether because it felt wrong. I always knew my heart wasn't in anything that I've done with those people but I realized I enjoy your company a lot more than any of those people. And I guess I was afraid that I might lose that.”

 

Woojin doesn’t know what Jihoon’s last relationship had done to him, he would never speak to Woojin about that kind of stuff. But he knows that if Jihoon has been this broken, and insists that it wasn’t fully due to him, then the guy he hated must have been a complete dickhead. “I would never do that to you.”

 

“I want to believe that it’s just,” Jihoon still doesn’t look at him, “I have a hard time trusting people after that.”

 

Woojin wants nothing more than for Jihoon to feel secure around him. He knows that trust is hard to gain, especially after it’s been broken time and time again. “How about a trial then?”

 

Jihoon tilts his head in confusion, “A what?”

 

“A one-month trial like Netflix or something. I’ll be your boyfriend for one month and you can decide whether or not you want to continue to be with me after the month is over.”

 

Woojin smiles when he finally gets a laugh out of Jihoon, “You’re really something, aren’t you?”

 

“So, what do you say?”

 

Woojin waits hopefully for his response. And even though Jihoon had just told him he felt the same just minutes ago, he’s still nervous that he might not want to give them a shot. Jihoon draws his lower lip between his teeth. Woojin finds the action adorable, but also kind of provoking—it brings him back to last night when he was the one biting down—

 

“I’ll think about it.”

 

Woojin’s mouth curves into a half-grin, “That’s not a no, right?”

 

Jihoon wrinkles his nose, contemplating playfully, “It's not a yes either.”

 

“But it’s not a no.”

 

“Guess you’ll have to wait a bit more.” Jihoon’s gives him a sly smile before walking away, leaving Woojin standing in the hallway with a stupid grin on his face.

 

 

 

Woojin doesn’t sleep that night. Instead, he spends it watching every romantic movie Daehwi recommends to him, in an attempt to figure what it is that people do in relationships. He is absolutely _taken_ by Jihoon because the boy hasn’t even given him an answer yet he’s still googling ‘how to be the perfect boyfriend’ at five in the morning. He omits the obligatory flowers from his plan because he knows that Jihoon would spend positively no time caring for them and they would probably die within a week. He does keep the chocolate suggestion though, because he knows how much Jihoon loves fudge.

 

But when morning comes and the sun peaks through Daehwi’s blinds, it hits him. That Jihoon could give him his answer today, and he could have thought about it overnight and decide that he didn’t want to give Woojin a chance after all. He tries to stop himself from being too negative about it.

 

And then he gets stuck on the thought of Jihoon alone. Jihoon. The only thing that ever occupies his mind nowadays his Jihoon. And really, there’s not much about Jihoon’s that’s different from everyone else. He’s passionate and hard-working like Youngmin, caring and compassionate like Donghyun, great at getting what he wants but is also sweet and adorable like Daehwi. There’s no single defining quality that sets Jihoon completely apart from the rest. He’s just.. Jihoon. Yet that one thing alone is enough to have Woojin falling for him. Free falling in hopes that he’ll catch him and end his fear of hitting the ground too hard.

 

Donghyun makes them breakfast in the morning, and they spend most of the meal listening to Daehwi freak out about his movie date with Jinyoung. He’s losing his composure about how he should dress today, and then Woojin reminds him that it’s a movie date and they won’t even be able to see each other anyways.

 

“He’s gonna see me _before_ the movie and I need to look jaw-dropping!”

 

“Daehwi this isn’t prom; you’re going to the movies. I’m sure anything casual will be fine, you’re adorable either way.” Donghyun reassures the pouting blonde.

 

“If being casual was good enough don’t you think he’d notice me by now?”

 

Woojin bring a hand to hit his own forehead, “Are you kidding me, Daehwi? You’re going on a date with him today. A _date_. You taunt me about how oblivious I am about Jihoon but you’re telling me you can’t tell that Jinyoung is interested in you?”

 

Daehwi drags all three of them into his room and forces them to sit as he shows them outfit options. It feels like something out of the movies that Woojin had watched last night. After an hour (wow, it really did take as long as it did in the movies for someone to pick an outfit) they all collectively agree on the last one. Woojin doesn’t know why the three sitting down on the bed are more tired than Daehwi, who had been going back and forth into his bathroom changing into multiple outfits, but Daehwi is still a hyper puppy trying to figure out what the best way is for him to subtly hint at Jinyoung to hold his hand.

 

 

 

Daehwi prompts Youngmin to drop him off half an hour earlier than their meet up time is supposed to be. He ignores the wolf-whistles they thrown behind him as he walks into the theater. He spends most of his waiting time checking his hair over and over again, legs bouncing impatiently as he regrets his decision to show up extra early more and more because now he has zero distractions. Come five, Jinyoung is striding up to him right on time, hair off of his forehead in the very way that makes Daehwi’s heart flutter and now he’s even more self-conscious because Jinyoung looks amazing and he’s not even sure he’s on his level, despite spending hours on his outfit this morning.

 

“Hey,” Jinyoung greets softly, one hand in the pocket of his long jacket and _God_ , his smile is beautiful.

 

“Hi.” Daehwi manages shyly, hands squeezing tightly onto his clutch that Youngmin had lent him.

 

“Do you want to get some popcorn or something before we head in?”

 

“Yeah, sure.” They make conversation as they’re in line. Jinyoung talks about how he met some older friends through his cousin. They had helped him a lot around campus, giving him a tour and making sure he knew all of the shortcuts and tunnels.

 

“You’re friends with Minhyun? The tall, angelic president of the student body?”

 

Jinyoung laughs at the description, “Oh trust me, he’s not completely angelic but yeah that’s him.”

 

When they reach the counter, Daehwi doesn’t expect to see Seonho, a friend from his calculus class, working the cash register.

 

“Hi Daehwi, what can I get you two?” Seonho has that grin on his face and Daehwi knows exactly what he’s in for. He tries to act as nonchalant as possible.

 

“Oh, you know him?”

 

“He’s a friend in one of my classes this semester.” Daehwi whispers.

 

Jinyoung nods, “Oh, uh do you want anything else besides popcorn?”

 

“No, I’m fine.”

 

Jinyoung points at the menu above Seonho, “We’ll take set B.”

 

“Alright, a set B for the two lovebirds over here, Guanlin!” Seonho yells out behind him, and dies of laughter as Daehwi covers his red ears. Jinyoung is chuckling beside him but Daehwi is too embarrassed to lift his head. _I’m gonna come back next week and kill him._

 

They find their seats in the middle of the theater. Daehwi has to hold himself back from eating all of the popcorn before the movie starts.

 

“Sorry if what Seonho said back there was awkward.”

 

Jinyoung waves him off, “No, it’s fine. I didn’t mind.” Daehwi almost chokes on his drink. “You seem to know a lot of people, hey?”

 

Daehwi shrugs, “I’m able to make friends naturally I guess, and it helps when I have to miss a class.” He realizes how that sounds after it comes out of his mouth. “Wait that sounds bad.”

 

Jinyoung laughs, “I really hope you didn’t befriend me just to get bio notes from me.”

 

“No of course not!” Daehwi denies vehemently. He’s usually great at conversation, but in front of Jinyoung he becomes a stuttering wreck. It really is a curse.

 

“I’m just kidding.” Jinyoung pats his thigh and there a million things rushing through Daehwi’s mind, he’s starting to get dizzy. “I’m glad we became friends. I always wanted to talk to you in high school.”

 

Daehwi’s eyes widen, “You did?”

 

“Yeah, but I always felt like you were a little unapproachable. You were so popular and everyone loved you, I felt like I wouldn’t make a good friend since I’m not very interesting or anything.”

 

“You’re really fun to talk to.” Daehwi blurts out, “Um, I mean I enjoy talking to you a lot.”

 

Jinyoung smiles at him, “That’s good to know.”

 

Just then, the lights turn off and the previews start to play. Jinyoung sits back into his seat and Daehwi does the same. Somewhere during the movie, their hands do the cliché meeting in the popcorn bucket. It’s the closest he gets to his plan of getting Jinyoung to hold his hand, but he’s really not complaining.

 

Jinyoung walks him home after, and talking to him has become much easier. He’s eases a little more every time Jinyoung laughs, and Daehwi even ends up playfully hitting him a few times. He feels a little regretful once they reach his porch; he really doesn’t want the day to end.

 

“I had fun today.” Jinyoung says with his head tilted slightly—it’s adorable.

 

Daehwi fiddles with his fingers, “I did too.”

 

“I’ll text you later, okay?”

 

Daehwi nods, “Tell me when you get home.”

 

He waves Jinyoung off, and doesn’t want to think about how Jinyoung lingers a little too long facing him. It takes him a while to turn his back to him, but when he does, Daehwi falls back immediately onto his front door with a dreamy sigh. Today is going to occupy his mind for a long time.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Woojin is restless at the dinner table at Daehwi’s that night. He hadn’t seen Jihoon all day and he wasn’t texting him either. Woojin didn’t want to push, so he didn’t send the first text. Instead, he spent the entirety of the day overthinking the possible reasons why Jihoon wasn’t talking to him.

 

  1. He still needs more time to think it over
  2. He regrets telling him he’d think about it because he doesn’t actually want to
  3. He only said he liked him back because he felt bad for him and now he’s trying to figure out how to get out of the situation



 

And though he wishes the first one would be the reason for it, and is probably the most plausible one, his mind still circles the last two reasons. And as much as his friends try to assure him that he shouldn’t be too worried about it, he can’t help but be.

 

He would never stop telling himself how Jihoon is infinitely out of his league. His alluring eyes, his smile, his entire being really. How considerate and supportive he is, how passionate he is about the things he loves, his courage, his vibrancy. How is someone as wonderful as him still single?

 

But then again he guesses he’s thankful for it, because _he_ might actually have a chance.

 

He lies on his place on the floor, spending his time before bed scrolling through google again. Youngmin tells him to go to sleep tonight, and that he’s not allowed to stay up watching movies because he had walked into three poles in the park today due to fatigue and they don’t wanna be chasing him around, making sure he doesn’t hurt himself.

 

He expects to feel better in the morning but he doesn’t. He feels hopeless when he still has zero messages and no Jihoon in front of him telling him how he feels. It’s driving him crazy. He spends the day studying just so he can get Jihoon off of his mind. For the most part it works, especially since he decides not to go to the library, because Lord knows how distracted he would be just _looking_ at the chair Jihoon was kissing him on.

 

He has papers sprawled out across the table in the nearest Starbucks, on his second seasonal latte and his pen works away on calculations. At one point, he sits back and enjoys the Christmas music playing through the café, observing the people around him. One thing he notices out of all the rest, however, is the brunette that walks into the café as soon as his eyes fall onto the door.

 

Jihoon doesn’t seem to notice him, immediately going to stand in line. Woojin is frantic about fixing his state of being. He didn't expect him to be here and he’s not sure how he looks but he hopes he looks nice enough to not get rejected. The minutes that Jihoon stands at the counter, waiting for his drink feels like hours to Woojin as he waits for the older to notice him. When Jihoon finally gets his drink, he’s walking in his direction, and finally meets his eyes.

 

He’s startled, clearing not knowing Woojin was here either. He looks like he’s deciding whether or not he should go up to him, and Woojin really hopes he does but also really hopes he doesn’t. But he does, and he looks adorable in his long coat and beanie and Woojin is having an even more hard time keeping himself together.

 

“Hey, I didn’t know you were here.” Jihoon sits down opposite of him, posture more polite than usual, like he has to think about it.

 

“Yeah I’ve been studying here almost the entire day.”

 

Neither of them know what to say for a while, so they just sit there. Woojin continues to work on his sample exam questions, but his head is in a completely different place right now. Jihoon is sitting in front of him, fingers tapping at his drink. He’s probably realized by now that Woojin isn’t actually doing any work because it’s quite obvious that he’s just been doodling on the side of the paper for the past few minutes.

 

Jihoon snorts at him, “Doesn’t look like you’re doing much work.”

 

Woojin scrunches his nose, “Yeah well, you’re a little distracting.”

 

Jihoon is looking at him and Woojin doesn’t know if it’s with endearment or with pity for what he’s eventually going to tell him.

 

It turns out it's the former, much to Woojin’s relief. “I’ve decided to start my free trial today.”

 

Woojin looks up in shock, “W-wait, really?”

 

Jihoon nods, “But I hope the ‘free’ means you’ll pay for our dates.”

 

“Yes.” Woojin says absentmindedly. And after seeing the smile form on Jihoon’s face, he knows he’ll never be able to resist anything the sly little fox tries to coax him into. “God, you’re lucky I like you as much as I do.”

 

He takes pride in Jihoon’s blush. The older regains his composure shortly after, “Actually, I think you’re the lucky one.”

 

They smile at each other and Woojin is finally (a little) at ease. “So,” He starts, “What do we do now?”

 

Jihoon snorts in the _of course you would ask that_ way.

 

 

 

But Woojin is kidding, because he’s very well aware he had spent the entire weekend on his phone, searching for things to do with Jihoon if he had accepted his offer. He starts to plan a loose itinerary when he gets back to Daehwi’s place because he’s just _that_ lame.

 

They walk downtown to a dessert café, which Jihoon is exceptionally excited about. He’s jumping up and down like a bunny when he realizes where Woojin is taking him and it’s the most adorable thing he’s ever seen.

 

The portions are _huge_ , Woojin learns as a huge bowl of the mango shaved ice he ordered is placed in front of him. Jihoon had gotten a strawberry one, and it was the same size as his head.

 

“Wow.” Jihoon gapes at the bowl in front of him, “This looks like heaven.”

 

“Only the best for one of its angels.”

 

Woojin snickers at Jihoon’s spluttering, “Oh my god, you did not just say that.”

 

Woojin realizes he really enjoys watching Jihoon eat. Really, he enjoys watching Jihoon do anything that makes him happy. He has ice cream on the side of his lips and his face goes the same color as the strawberries when Woojin lifts a hand to wipe it off.

 

“What kind of shows are you watching?” Jihoon mutters, “Why do you know all of the good moves?”

 

He shrugs, “I did my research.”

 

Jihoon scoffs at that, “You did research on what to do on dates?”

 

“And things to say on said date and moves that are good to do on the first date that won’t earn you an elbow to the stomach.” Woojin adds and realizes that it does sound lame when it comes out of his mouth.

 

“Of course you would.” Jihoon spoons another mouth full of ice cream, “But it’s working.”

 

A self-satisfied smile creeps onto his face, “Good.”

 

“Don’t get too cocky, though. This is a trial so you need to do your best to impress me.” Jihoon says, pointing at him with his spoon.

 

“Of course, your majesty.”

 

Woojin takes him to an arcade after that. And he doesn’t know if he’s purposely letting Jihoon win or if he’s just losing his touch because they’re 6 to 3 and Jihoon is absolutely destroying him at his own game. As much as he loves to see Jihoon smile, it’s hurting his pride.

 

“That’s it, I need to redeem myself. Time for some dance dance revolution.”

 

Jihoon tugs him back by his arm, “What? No! That’s foul play!”

 

Woojin wags his finger, “Nu-uh there were no rules. We’re playing this.”

 

He drags an unwilling Jihoon to the machine and hops on excitedly, jumping to get his legs warmed up. Jihoon is glaring him down as he leans on the bar behind his dance pad. “You’re doing way too much for someone who already knows he’s gonna win.”

 

“You getting cocky on my behalf, I love it.”

 

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “Just swipe the card, will you?”

 

To no one’s surprise, Woojin wins over Jihoon, even on difficult. Jihoon tries not to act like a sore loser but Woojin can tell he’s upset from the pout on his face.

 

“Hey, stop frowning will you?” Woojin cups Jihoon’s face with his hands, lifting the corners of his mouth up with his thumbs. “You’re still winning.”

 

“You’re not just letting me win, are you?”

 

Woojin clutches at his heart in mock-offense, “You think I’m throwing my pride away for you on _purpose_? You’re a pro gamer aren’t you?”

 

Jihoon smirks haughtily, then feigns innocence, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I have no idea what I’m doing I’m just playing the games.”

 

Woojin narrows his eyes at the younger, pinching his cheeks and with a sickeningly sweet voice dripping of sarcasm says, “You’re a cunning little snake, aren’t you?”

 

Jihoon removes Woojin’s hands from his face and pats his own, “Don’t act like you didn’t already know.” He sends him a wink before skipping off towards the shooting games.

 

Woojin is left standing there with his mouth agape, “You—you’re not allowed to be winkly in real life!”

 

 

 

 

 

Over the course of the month Jihoon hangs out with Woojin as usual, and really, it’s not too different from how they were before the whole trial boyfriend thing happened. Jihoon realizes just how much they had already been acting like a couple even before this. Woojin has always been the perfect balance of sweet, fun and considerate—the only difference now is that he has way too many corny pick-up lines and they would all be horrible if he wasn’t so endearing in everything he did.

 

Woojin invites him to his family’s Christmas dinner. They stroll up to Daehwi’s house with a container of seasonal sugar cookies that they bought from the supermarket last minute because Woojin has absolutely no idea how to work an oven and Jihoon doesn’t want to have Woojin over, burning Donghan’s house down so they settle for store bought cookies—at least they know they aren’t going to accidentally give anyone food poisoning with these.

 

Jihoon greets Daehwi, Youngmin and Donghyun again. They all make him feel right at home and Jihoon gets comfortable right away, even Daehwi’s mom acts like she’s known him for years. Woojin complains about how Daehwi’s mom already likes Jihoon more than she likes him, and Daehwi, to no one’s surprise, agrees with him, further putting a dent in his mood.

 

Woojin is quick to forgive the blonde when he opens his present from him.

 

“Dude, as if!” Woojin marvels at the new set of headphones he takes out of the wrapper.

 

“You’ve been complaining for months about how you broken your last pair and that earphones were annoying, so here’s to hoping you finally shut up!”

 

Woojin hugs Daehwi anyways, and Jihoon always loves to watch his dynamic with the younger boy. It’s clear as day how much Woojin loves and cares for Daehwi, and even if he doesn’t show it in words, he definitely shows it in his actions. It’s one of the most precious things he has ever seen. It only further reminds him of how amazing Woojin is at caring for the people around him, like he doesn’t want to spend a single second regretting.

 

Jihoon doesn’t expect anything big from Woojin. Jihoon had gotten him a sweater with actual color and insisted that he wore it sometimes in the midst of his black, and he agreed. They all laughed when they realized that Woojin had gotten him a black hoodie to counter all of the color in his wardrobe.

 

“I will never get over how in sync you guys are.” Daehwi comments.

 

“Wait, there’s still one more thing.” Woojin announces, reaching back behind the couch to grab another box. He places in carefully in Jihoon’s lap. “Open it.”

 

Jihoon finds a neatly decorated jar, lined with gold ribbon and filled with paper stars. “What are these?”

 

“I spent like five days straight on this, but basically it's a jar of stars and each one has a compliment on it. Open one every morning, and an extra if you’re having a bad day.”

 

Jihoon gapes at him, “You hand wrote all of the messages on these papers?”

 

“Yeah, my hands wanted to cry after writing and folding all 350 of these. I cramped up like 50 times.”

 

“350? Woojin, what the hell.” Jihoon marvels at the jar filled to the top with paper stars. He knows there’s so much work put into it, so much work for _him_. “You really didn’t have to go through so much work for me.”

 

Woojin places a hand on his own, “I know that sometimes you struggle with realizing your self-worth. I just want these to be small reminders to you.”

 

“You guys are disgusting.” Youngmin cringes. Donghyun is next to him, watching on with a big smile.

 

“Shut up Youngmin, they’re so cute!”

 

And then later that night, Woojin is looking at him with a gleam in his eyes as the group lazes around comfortably with Christmas music filling the air. The soft city lights filter through the curtains and Jihoon can’t look away; the changing hues of his eyes, brown with specks of gold—it’s frustratingly mesmerizing. His clumsiness, his quirkiness, everything about him. Woojin is hot soup on the coldest night, melting him into his overwhelming warmth.

 

Jihoon hears something dangling above them, and they both look up to see a mistletoe hanging from a fishing rod that Youngmin had somehow gotten his hands on.

 

“What the hell, Youngmin.” Woojin flicks at the mistletoe with a scoff.

 

“You can’t deny the mistletoe, you know.” Daehwi sings teasingly. Everyone is looking at them expectantly and the heat rises to Jihoon’s face.

 

Woojin turns back to him, “Um, I don’t know if you’re okay with this.”

 

“I—I think I’m gonna implement a no kissing rule for the remainder of the trial.”

 

“What? Why?” Woojin is full on pouting by now and Jihoon wants to relent but he knows that it isn’t a good idea. Especially in front of Woojin’s friends, he doesn’t want to turn into a puddle of goo right in front of them.

 

“Because that’s foul play! You can’t do things like that during the trial, it’s gonna influence my decision. And by influence I mean I won’t even have to make a decision.”

 

Woojin chuckles, “So you’re implying that you like it when I kiss you and if I do then there’s no going back after falling for me?”

 

“No!” Jihoon protests instantly, “Just don’t do it!” He huffs, hands grabbing at the collar of his ugly Christmas sweater to hide his face with. Woojin’s sudden confidence is starting to stress him out and he doesn’t know how much longer he can take a suave Woojin.

 

“So are you going to kiss or what?” Daehwi pipes up.

 

Woojin sighs, “You know they’re not gonna give up until they get _something_.”

 

Jihoon contemplates for a while, before leaning over to place a soft kiss on Woojin’s cheek. He revels in the way Woojin immediately gets shy, and the cheering by his friends behind them isn’t exactly helping.

 

“Y-You should really warn a guy before you do something like that.” Woojin stammers, holding a hand to his cheek.

 

Jihoon chuckles, “Aw, are you shy?”

 

“Shut up.” Woojin mutters, then turns to the rest of the group, clapping his hands together. “Okay, we’re not ending this night without me crushing you all in uno.”

 

 

  

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 _we write the script_  
_of our life’s stage_  
_one hand on the pen_  
_two hearts on the page_

 

 

Jihoon opens a paper star every morning. Sometimes they’re filled with suave Woojin and his lame pick-up lines, and sometimes his awkwardness drips off of the paper. But one thing that’s consistent is its ability to put a smile on Jihoon’s face every day. And they really do lighten his mood when he’s having a bad day.

 

He opens another one the minute he wakes up. The new semester is starting up and the thought of going back to school after the Christmas break is unpleasant.

 

_Do you have a map? Cause I’m getting lost in your eyes (seriously tell them to stop sparkling ://)_

 

Jihoon chuckles, reading a star had become his favorite routine of the day, other than seeing Woojin, of course. When he checks the date on his phone, he realizes that the day has come. The end of their trial, and Jihoon has to let Woojin know how he feels. But really, there’s no mystery in it anyways. From the very start of the trial Jihoon knew that it would never be a no. And from the way Woojin has been treating him for the entire duration of the month, he’s even more definite in his answer. It makes him feel giddy, the thought of going to see Woojin today and making it official.

 

He slips on the sweater that Woojin bought him and tussles his hair in that curly, messy style that Woojin said he likes. They agree to meet up at the café they had their first date at, and Woojin is already there, waving him to a table.

 

“Hey.” Woojin greets him with a smile. Jihoon settles in the seat across from him. “You know what’s annoying?”

 

Jihoon tilts his head curiously, “What?”

 

“You look ethereal even in casual clothes. It hurts my pride.” Woojin pouts, earning a laugh from Jihoon.

 

“You look fine yourself.” Jihoon assures him.

 

Woojin frowns even more, “Just _fine_?”

 

Jihoon rolls his eyes at him, he really is a piece of work, but he adores him anyways, “Alright, you look amazing. Good?”

 

Woojin pats himself on the back with a pleased smile, “Thank you, I already knew that.” Jihoon laughs as Woojin winces at the swift kick he makes to his shin.

 

After they finish their food, they walk down the streets of the city, hand in hand.

 

“So how is Daehwi doing with Jinyoung?” Jihoon inquires, swinging his and Woojin’s hands.

 

“They’re still going on dates but being oblivious to the fact that they’re practically dating already.”

 

Jihoon snorts, “Who do you think is gonna confess first?”

 

“Definitely Jinyoung. Daehwi is too scared to even think about doing it.”

 

“Really? I think Daehwi might pluck up the courage to do it himself.” Jihoon muses. He knows that Daehwi is a strong person, maybe he could end up being the one to confess.

 

“You wanna bet on it?”

 

“Sure, I could use more of your money.” He sticks his tongue out at Woojin, who squeezes his hand through their gloves hard. Woojin stops them when they reach the park, placing his hands on Jihoon’s cheeks to warm him up.

 

“You know, today’s the last day of your free trial.”

 

Jihoon holds back a smile, putting a hand on his chin to look calculative, “Ah yes, that’s today isn’t it?”

 

Woojin slips his hands into his pockets almost self-consciously, staring at the ground as he says, ”So, what do you think?”

 

He’s clearly nervous, and Jihoon doesn’t know why he’s so unsure of his answer when he’s made it perfectly clear that he loves being with him. It’s still in his nature to tease him though, “I think we should stop kidding ourselves.”

 

Woojin lifts his head to look at Jihoon wearily, biting his lips and swaying on his heels, “What?”

 

Jihoon takes Woojin’s hands out of his pocket and holds them in his, “I think we both know that we’ve been official for a while already, so let’s stop kidding ourselves.”

 

Woojin finally heaves a sigh of relief, his worry being replaced with a smile, “So does that mean I’m your _boyfriend_ boyfriend now?”

 

Jihoon laughs, eyeing his excited expression, “Yes, you’re my _boyfriend_ boyfriend now.”

 

Woojin takes a step closer to him, releasing their hands and pulling Jihoon into him by his waist, “And that means the no-kiss rule doesn’t apply anymore, right?”

 

Jihoon scoffs, smacking him lightly on the forehead before resting his hands on his shoulders, “Of course that would be your first priority.”

 

He doesn’t fight him when he does though. Woojin leans in slowly, molding their lips together softly. It’s nothing like their first—no overwhelming heat, no teeth clashing—just a natural, short kiss but it makes Jihoon’s heart flutter all the same.

 

After they pull apart, Jihoon has to pretend he’s calm and collected, “Alright boyfriend boyfriend, calm down.”

 

Woojin grins widely, “You know, it’s even better when you say the word twice.”

 

 

 

 

 

“Lee Daehwi! You’re all grown up now!” Donghyun cries, pulling Daehwi into a giant bear hug and it doesn’t look like the blonde can breathe.

 

“Donghyun I love you but p-put me down you’re cutting off my air supply. And we’re in public!” Donghyun lets the younger back onto the ground, cupping his face in his hands affectionately, oblivious to all of the stares being casted at them by the other people in the school cafeteria.

 

“Tell us the story.” Youngmin says curiously.

 

“Yeah,” Woojin pipes in beside Jihoon, mouth stuffed with his sandwich. “Who confessed first?”

 

 

_Daehwi strolls down the streets alongside Jinyoung, after dinner at a restaurant near his house. This is the third time they’ve gone out this week alone and it’s starting to worry Daehwi that Jinyoung is only thinking of him as a friend. Otherwise, wouldn’t he have said something by now?_

_As much as he wants to reach out for his hand, wants to expect a goodnight kiss every time they reach his porch, he knows he can’t. And maybe he never will._

_As they're nearing his house, he notices a car behind them driving quickly. He grabs onto Jinyoung’s arm, pulling him towards him just in time for the car to roll past them without hurting him. They stumble back into a stone wall, and Jinyoung is so close that Daehwi can feel his breath on his forehead. He’s frozen still but Jinyoung doesn’t seem to be affected. He looks after the car that had passed them, waving a scolding finger at them, “Who told them it was okay to drive that fast in a back lane?” Jinyoung looks back at him, sizing him up, “Are you okay?”_

_Daehwi is brought out of his reverie and scoffs, “You’re the one who almost got hit and you’re asking me if I’m okay?”_

_Jinyoung frowns, pulling Daehwi from off of the wall and dusting off his shoulders. “We hit the wall pretty hard when you pulled me in.” Jinyoung leaves his hands resting his shoulders, leaning in to look at Daehwi’s face as if he’d have gotten injured there._

_The blonde pouts, “How about a ‘thank you Daehwi’ or ‘you saved my life Daehwi I owe you all of my life savings—“_

_The last thing he sees is Jinyoung’s smile before his eyes flutter closed when Jinyoung’s lips meet his own. It’s only a short peck, but Daehwi feels lightheaded. “Thank you.” Jinyoung says softly._

_“Y-You’re gonna have to explain what that meant or I might take it the wrong way.” Daehwi stammers, hands rising up to cover his cheeks. Maybe he could blame the blush on the cold weather._

_Jinyoung just looks at him with his stupid, perfect smile. “Is there really explanation needed?”_

_“For me, yeah.” Daehwi says breathlessly. He’s not even thinking about how cold it is, there’s only one thing on his mind._

_“Well, If it wasn’t already obvious, I like you.”_

_Daehwi’s eyes widen, still in disbelief, “W-what? Seriously?”_

_The other just laughs at him, “I just kissed you and you’re doubting me?”_

_“Sorry I’m just.. having a hard time believing it.” Daehwi slides his head further into his jacket, almost covering his entire face._

_“You can’t disappear into your jacket, you know.” Jinyoung’s tone is light and playful and how dare he be so composed when Daehwi is a stammering mess._

_“I can try.” Daehwi squeaks, slipping the hood of his jacket on for good measure._

_To his surprise, Jinyoung takes his hand and leads them down the street again. Daehwi’s glad it’s dark and he’s hidden in his jacket because the expression on his face right now is probably disgustingly smitten._

_“If anything, it should be me who’s worried about how you feel. You haven’t given me an answer yet, speak now or I’ll continue to hold your hand until we reach your house.”_

_“I’ve liked you longer than you’ve liked me.” Daehwi bursts out, sighing at his lack of self-control._

_Jinyoung looks genuinely surprised, “Really?”_

_Daehwi nods shyly, “I thought it’s been obvious since high school.”_

_“High school..” Jinyoung muses, maybe even disbelievingly. “That means I’m still in the running for the longer crush.”_

_Daehwi gasps out loud, earning a laugh from Jinyoung, “You’re lying to me right now.”_

_Jinyoung shakes his head amusedly, “Nope.”_

 

 

 

“Ha! I told you Jinyoung would be the one to confess first. Pay up.” Woojin sticks his hand in front of Jihoon, and Jihoon would love to wipe the smug smirk off of his face but he places ten dollars in his hand anyways.

 

“What?! You bet on my love life?” Daehwi asks incredulously.

 

“I knew you wouldn’t be able to do it so I put my head to good use.” Woojin waves the bill in the air proudly, and Jihoon punches him in the thigh.

 

“You pay up too, Donghyun.” Youngmin and Donghyun have their own money exchange on the other side of the table, much to Daehwi’s dismay. Woojin is laughing and high-fiving Youngmin.

 

“You guys bet too?!” Daehwi glares at Donghyun, who holds his hands up defensively.

 

“I had faith that you would build up the courage and be the one to tell him how you feel! I only did it with good intentions.”

 

Daehwi scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest. “You guys are ridiculous.”

 

Youngmin ignores the pouting blonde, and then turns to Jihoon and Woojin. “We’re gonna do movie night tonight, you guys coming?”

 

“Actually, we’re going to have dinner at Jihoon’s place.” Woojin says, and Jihoon can hear the worry in his voice.

 

“Oh my God, you’re meeting the family?” Daehwi squeals, and then puts on a serious face, pointing a finger at Woojin, “Don’t mess it up, I know you have a tendency for doing that but please, don’t mess it up.”

 

Woojin grabs Daehwi’s finger and pulls his across the table to flick his forehead. Truthfully, Jihoon is nervous too. Woojin has never met Donghan in person yet and he’s not sure how their interactions will be like. He wants more than anything for his family to like Woojin as much as he does. But he assures himself that Woojin will do great—even though he never wants to admit it, Woojin has a way with words, so really, there’s nothing to worry about.

 

 

 

 

They walk hand in hand to Jihoon’s door after school. Jihoon gives Woojin a reassuring squeeze before the door opens and Donghan’s parents greet them. “Hello! You must be Woojin!”

 

“Hi Mr and Mrs. Kim.” Woojin bows, smiling politely. They lead them into the house, and his mom (she had insisted for years that Jihoon refer to her as mom and he had finally relented) tells them to wait in Jihoon’s room while they set up the dinner table.

 

Jihoon brings Woojin into his and Donghan’s shared room, where Donghan is seated on his bed, scrolling through his phone.

 

“Oh hey, you’re here.” Donghan slings an arm around him, and extends an arm out to Woojin. “Hey, I’m Donghan.”

 

Woojin takes his hand stiffly, “Woojin.”

 

“Don’t scare him too much.” Jihoon hits Donghan’s chest, knowing how protective Donghan could get of him.

 

“Hey, we’re practically friends already.” He can see the glint in Donghan’s eye as he turns to Woojin and Jihoon knows that he’s screwed. “I even know your Starbucks order word for word because that’s how much Jihoon never stops talkking about you.”

 

Jihoon laughs awkwardly at Woojin’s amused look, and then smacks Donghan on the back. Out of all the goddamn things in the world that Donghan could tell Woojin, he didn’t have to tell him _that_.

 

“I’m gonna go help mom with dinner. Why don’t you guys get to know each other? And please, don’t tell him any more embarrassing things.” Jihoon grits his teeth, glaring down Donghan before giving Woojin’s hand another reassuring squeeze, “You’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

 

Jihoon heads to the kitchen where his parents are, asking if there’s anything he can help with.

 

“No that’s fine honey, just rest, okay?” Jihoon plops down onto one of the chairs with a sigh. Donghan is really going to be the death of him. “He’s cute, you know.”

 

The corners of his mouth quirk up at her smile, “Yeah, he is.”

 

“And you seem much happier nowadays.” His dad adds from across the table.

 

Jihoon nods shyly, “He makes me happy.”

 

His dad smiles warmly, sipping on his coffee, “That’s great to hear.”

 

After a few minutes of his mom insisting that she didn’t need any help, he heads back to his room, but stops himself a second away from opening the door, listening in to their conversation.

 

“He talks about you guys a lot.” He hears Woojin say, “He says he doesn’t express it enough to you guys, but he’s thankful for you every day. He really loves you all like his own family.”

 

Donghan chuckles, “Yeah, I’m sure we all know that. Even though he doesn’t know how to show it sometimes, we know his heart.”

 

There’s silence before he hears Donghan speak up again. “You make him really happy. This is the happiest I’ve seen him in a while.”

 

Woojin’s voice is small, but it still tugs on his heartstrings, “He means a lot to me, and I’d never do anything to lose his smile.” He knows Woojin is doing the fiddling thing with his fingers right now, he’s still nervous but he’s making conversation and Jihoon is proud that he’s trying his best, “I’m not sure if you know what happened in the past, but I want to assure you that I would never hurt him like that again.”

 

“I know.” Donghan is understanding. Jihoon tells him every day that he’s proud of how far Woojin has come since then, and he lets him know that he feels safe around him. “And Jihoon knows that too. You treat him well and that’s all I can ask for.”

 

He takes this as his time to barge in, interrupting the moment and saving Woojin from talking any longer because he knows he’s going to run out of words soon enough. “I’m back, I hope you’re not talking bad about me.”

 

“Oh yeah I told him how you used to throw tantrums all the time and that you’re so spoiled and bratty.” Woojin chuckles with Donghan, and Jihoon thinks that he should sever any chance of these two teaming up and taking him down.

 

“Ha ha, very funny.” Jihoon walks over to Woojin, grabbing his hand. “Let’s go, dinner is ready.”

 

It turns out, Jihoon really didn’t have to be worried for Woojin because he does perfectly fine speaking to his parents. They love his wit and his humility, and Woojin knows all of the right things to say to make them happy. For a brief moment, they hold hands under the table, and Jihoon relays a _thank you for being here with me_ through his eyes.

 

“Oh, I almost forgot! I have a photo album of Jihoon’s high school days and his days in plays and musicals!”

 

Jihoon groans in horror, “Mom, no!”

 

He’s not able to stop her from showing them to Woojin, and he doesn’t even hide his laughter when he sees a picture of Jihoon in a wig, looking a tad bit uncomfortable in his heels.

 

As the night comes to a close, they say their goodbyes and his parents tell Woojin to make sure to come visit them again. Donghan hugs him goodbye, and pats Woojin on the back.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Jihoon tells Donghan before the two of them leave for Woojin’s dorm.

 

The second Woojin reaches his bed he flops onto it, breathing heavily. “That was the most nerve-wracking thing I’ve ever had to do.”

 

Jihoon takes a seat on the edge of his bed, patting Woojin’s thigh. “You did great, they loved you.”

 

“I sure hope they did.” Woojin sits back up and pulls Jihoon towards him, sending them both falling onto his pillow as he hugs him. Jihoon hears a loud thunder outside and winces noticeably. Woojin props himself onto his elbow, eyes focused on Jihoon but he can’t even shy away because he’s still stuck on how loud it is outside. “Are you scared of thunderstorms?”

 

Jihoon closes his eyes for a moment, swallowing the build-up of tears before they can hit him, “It was raining hard the night my dad kicked me out of my house and all I did that night was cry.” He feels Woojin’s fingers interlock with his, a thumb rubbing the back of his hand soothingly. “And now I don’t like storms or being alone during them because I’m scared that someone else is going to up and leave me.”

 

Jihoon turns into Woojin, nuzzling into his chest and wrapping his arms around his torso. Woojin strokes his hair, placing a kiss to the top of his head.

 

“A part of why Donghan and I share a room is because I didn’t want to be alone in the case of a storm. So his dad knocked down the wall of the neighboring room and made one big room that Donghan and I could share.” Jihoon muffles into his chest, unsure whether or not Woojin was able to understand him properly.

 

He seems to have, though, because he responds, “They’ve done so much for you, it’s sweet.”

 

“Yeah.” He mutters softly.

 

Woojin holds him tighter, “I want you to show them you love them once in a while, okay?”

 

Jihoon feels a tightness in his chest. He knows that he’s never been great at expression his emotions, but Donghan and his family deserve everything that he’s able to give them and more. He wishes that one day he’ll be able to show him just how much they mean to him. “I will, I promise.”

 

 

 

 

Bad days come and go, sometimes they’re inevitable, especially with school going on and Jihoon trying to take on more than he can handle so he doesn’t have to spend too long in school. Sometimes it takes a toll on him, but Woojin and Donghan are there to comfort him and have faith in him that he’ll succeed after all the hard work he puts towards everything he does. But he’s not sure if today qualifies as a bad day, for a while, he feels that it’s just a _day_. A day where he doesn’t feel great, he just feels empty.

 

Woojin comes jogging up to him on a bench outside. Jihoon doesn’t know how long he’s been staring at the tree in front of him or how long he’s been outside.

 

The younger stops in front of him, panting, “Hey, what’s up? You sounded sad over the phone.”

 

Jihoon chuckles quietly for the first time that day, “I texted you.”

 

Woojin frowns, sitting next to him, “You didn’t wink once.” Woojin cups his face in his hands, turning him to look at him. “Hey, were you crying?”

 

He hasn’t looked in a mirror at all that day, but he knows his face is probably puffy. “I didn’t tell you, but I got a call last week.” He starts, his voice is hollow and void of his usual mirth, “They told me that my father.. he passed away. And I’m the only blood-relative left to handle his funeral.”

 

And Woojin, having only thought about finding Jihoon, probably only just notices that they’re sitting in front of a funeral chapel. Woojin doesn’t say anything, and he’s grateful. What is there to say to someone when their father dies, when they know that they had never loved their child to begin with? Jihoon isn’t looking for a sorry, or for condolences. He just wants Woojin’s presence, he gives him an infinite amount of strength even in the hardest times.

 

Woojin stays with him the entire day, sitting in the hall as friends and coworkers of his father come to pay their respects. He cleans the hall up after people leave, throwing away the food trays and empty alcohol bottles. And then he sits with him in front of his father’s casket, holding his hand.

 

“I didn’t know how to feel when I got the call.” His voice croaks out hoarsely. “Usually people would feel tortured, hysterical. But I just felt.. empty.”

 

He takes a deep breath, staring at the picture of his father. He’s not smiling in it, and Jihoon wonders if he ever once smiled around him.

 

“So I have no fucking idea why it is that today, I’m crying over someone who never loved me.” A tear rolls down his cheek, and he doesn’t bother to wipe it away. “He never once acted like a father to me, so why am _I_ here, handling his funeral like I was anyone of importance to him? The old man didn't even find a new family after I left. I expected the next time I saw him for him to be with a new woman, and kid that wouldn't disappoint him. But he stayed alone all of these years.” Jihoon chuckles bitterly.

 

Woojin holds him in his arms and Jihoon cries harder. He strokes his back, leaning his head on his own. “It’s natural to cry over this. You spent a lot of your life with him, he’s your father. But just because you didn't get to talk to him before he died and he was alone after you left, doesn’t mean he deserves your forgiveness. Take this as a means of closure. You’ll handle this funeral, and let him know that you’re thankful that he and your mom brought you into this world, but now you’re doing just fine without him, and you have a family that will take care of you.”

 

 

Jihoon doesn’t let go of Woojin’s hand for the rest of the night.

 

 

 

 

Woojin’s step-mother calls him as soon as spring comes. She tells him that they’ve been cleaning the house and she has packed the rest of his stuff, and that he can pick up the box anytime he wants. Woojin hasn’t been to his home since the summer, and he hasn’t seen his father since the memories of his mother came back. He’s scared to face him—to look him and the eyes and know that he stood by and did nothing when his mother had yelled at him, hurt him for being different.

 

Jihoon tells him he’ll come with him for support. Youngmin drives them to his house and tells them he’ll be picking up a few things at a nearby supermarket while he’s waiting for them. Woojin looks at his house and it feels unfamiliar. He had only lived in it for four years, but it still felt foreign to him.

 

He doorbells and his stepmother opens the door, smiling politely and letting them inside. She tells him that his father in his office, but he declines her offer to greet him.

 

They step into his old room. It’s still furnished but quite empty, save for the box of things on his bed. He had forgotten what it even looked like, since he was so used to his dorm room. Woojin plops onto his bed next to the box of his things, rummaging through the items at the top. It’s nothing too special, just some old clothes he left behind and a bunch books and action figures. Jihoon takes a seat on the other side of the box.

 

“It’s a nice house.” Jihoon comments, looking around the room.

 

Woojin nods, pursing his lips, “Yeah.”

 

There’s a picture sticking out on one side of the box that he reaches for. He sees a face that he hasn’t seen in years, and only ever in his nightmares. It’s like she’s looking at him and all of the tormenting floods his mind, piercing his ears. He drops the picture and covers both ears, wincing and leaning over to rest his head in his lap.

 

“W-Woojin, what’s wrong?” Jihoon moves in front of him, removing his hands from his ears and lifting his head to look up at him. Woojin feels dizzy, doesn’t remember how to breath and Jihoon is patting his back, working him through his panic.

 

“Hey, hey. It’s okay, I’m here. Breathe, Woojin, breathe.” Jihoon’s voice manages to calm him down slowly, and the voices soon drown out, replaced by the words of comfort. Jihoon hugs him after he evens out his breathing, stroking his hair for a long while. 

 

“Sorry I didn’t warn you about my panic attacks I—“ Woojin coughs, “I haven’t had one in a while.”

 

“It’s okay.” Jihoon squeezes him tighter, “At least I know now.”

 

They don’t stay long. Woojin gets a glimpse of his father just as he walks out the door but he doesn’t linger long enough to say something. His step-mother bids him goodbye and Youngmin is already waiting outside for them.

 

Later, Woojin sits at his desk, pen in hand and a blank page of a notebook opened up in front of him. He’s not sure what he wants to write at first, but with his resolve to end his grudge, the words finally come to him.

 

_Dear Mom,_

_I went back home after months of not visiting. It felt new to me, like it wasn’t even my own home. I found a picture of you in a box of my things today. Just a few months ago, the memories of everything you’ve ever done to me came back to haunt me. For the longest time I convinced myself that you were like any other mother was supposed to be before you died. I told myself that you loved me and that you cared for me. But now I know that it was just me trying to save myself from hurting after you left. I want you to know that recently, I met Jihoon. I’ve known him for a while, but he’s come back into my life again and I’m doing everything I can to make up for the monster you molded me into. I hope you know that he is one of the most important things in the world to me and that I don’t have any regrets about loving him. I just wanted you to know that I’m happy. Daehwi makes me happy, Donghyun and Youngmin make me happy, and Jihoon makes me happy. They make me happier than you ever could, and they’re sure as hell doing a much better job than you. I’m not going to forgive you, but I don’t want to hate you anymore either. From now on, I won’t think about you anymore. You’re part of my past and that's where you’ll stay. And I’m going to move on and I’m going to spend my life with the people who love me._

_Sincerely,_

_A kid you used to know_

 

 

 

 

 

 

The summer heat hits them quicker than they expect. Woojin spent the last few months with Youngmin, who taught him how to drive. He had always been eager to get his license, but knew it was useless if he didn’t have a car to drive around. Youngmin convinced him to go for it anyways, saying that he’d lend him his car once in a while, as long as he paid for gas on the days he uses it. He also made it very clear that any damage made to his car would be a death sentence.

 

And that’s how Woojin rolls up to Jihoon’s house one day in mid-June, calling him out spontaneously amidst Jihoon’s protests about him not giving him enough time to get ready.

 

“Shut up, loser. You’d look great in a garbage bag so just come out, will you?”

 

When Jihoon steps out, he doesn’t notice him. He’s looking around for him, until Woojin honks at him from the curb. He rolls down the passenger window and yells out, “What are you waiting for?”

 

He watches Jihoon’s mouth drop comically at the sight of Woojin in the driver’s seat of the car with no Youngmin. “Woojin, what the hell! Did you steal Youngmin’s car without his permission? You’re not allowed to be driving alone!” Jihoon spurts out a multitude of questions and nagging as he approaches the car. 

 

Woojin scoffs, picking up his license to flaunt in front of Jihoon, “Guess who passed his test?”

 

Jihoon gasps, opening the passenger door and jumping excitedly into the car. “You passed?! When?”

 

“Just this morning,” Woojin drives away from Jihoon’s house, “And then I convinced Youngmin to let me take the car for the day.”

 

“Please tell him that I have nothing to do with the possible damages you might do.”

 

Woojin takes him to a street market about half an hour away. They spend most of the afternoon eating food from street vendors and watching performances until it gets dark. And later they’re walking along a path walk beside the beach, hand in hand as the sound of the waves surrounds them.

 

“You know, one of the biggest things I will never be able to get over is not winning prom king.” Jihoon says with a gloomy sigh.

 

“How did you _not_ win prom king?” Woojin questions bewilderedly, “I heard you were really popular at your school.”

 

The expression on Jihoon’s face is positively miffed, “Yeah well, the _gay, sleeps around a lot_ popular is pretty different from the _star of the basketball team_ popular.”

 

Woojin thinks for a while, before stopping by the flowers near a bench and pulls out a long stem of them. He bends it into a circle and ties the ends together, grabbing Jihoon’s hand and pulling him towards the sand.

 

“What are you doing?” Jihoon asks when Woojin lets go. Woojin takes his phone out of his pocket and puts a slow song on, laying his sweater down onto the sand and tossing his phone onto it.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, your 2018 prom king, Park Jihoon, woo!” Woojin places his do-it-yourself flower crown on top of Jihoon’s head. He earns a signature Park Jihoon eye roll but he’s laughing.

 

“ _God_ , you’re so extra.”  

 

Woojin brings Jihoon’s hands up to circle his neck, and places his own on Jihoon’s waist. “Only for you, princess.”

 

“Hey, that’s _king_ to you.” He huffs, stepping closer to him as they slow dance to the faint music of Woojin’s phone.

 

“I hope you know that I’m a lot of work.” Jihoon says pointedly, never losing eye contact with him.

 

“I know.”

 

“And I get moody a lot and I might snap at you from time to time.”

 

“Yep.”

 

Jihoon does the endearing head tilt that makes Woojin melt in his hands. His voice in unsure this time, “And you’re one hundred percent sure you’re okay with that?”

 

“Hey,” Woojin raises a hand to brush the hair from out of Jihoon’s eyes, “Like I always say, you’re hot and we’re both a mess.” Jihoon snorts, “Together we’re a hot mess. But we work well together, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

 

Jihoon brings their lips together, soft and unbearably tender, and Woojin doesn’t know what better fitting puzzle there is than when they’re together like this.

 

And then there’s Jihoon, who brightens up the night on his own. The summer night amplifies his beauty; he shimmers like fairy lights twinkling against the water. He’s hypnotic like the splashing of the blue waves. Woojin wonders how the stars feel, knowing there’s someone on Earth who shines brighter than them. Jihoon is the cadence of rain, a mesmerizing symphony. He’s the invasion in his head that he never wants to leave, but even when he opens his eyes Woojin knows that Jihoon will be right there and there’s no need for a sweet escape, because he’s his reality.

 

And Jihoon knows he’s made from pottery, with cracks and grooves, the pattern of his history hidden behind his back. But those cracks are starting to fill with light, and with the light comes truths that can’t be taught. There’s so much he’s learned from the people around him in the past year alone. They let him know that they’re there to push him to grow and succeed, the hope whispering in his ear when everything seems like it could come crashing down. They’re the pillars who hold him up to be strong, and out of everyone in the world, he’s glad the important people in his life are able to be his.

 

“I love you.” Woojin whispers against Jihoon’s cheek, pulling back to look at him.

 

Jihoon leans in to peck him on the lips, pressing their foreheads together. “I love you too.”

 

The moment is interrupted when they hear familiar screams calling them from the sidewalk.

 

“Woojin! Jihoon!”

 

They turn to see Donghyun and Youngmin, Daehwi and Jinyoung, and Donghan waving at them, running towards them.

 

“What are you guys doing here?” Woojin asks, taken aback, “How did you even find us?”

 

“Seongwoo’s boyfriend Daniel said he saw you two down at the beach and Seongwoo told us he could drive us down here after his shift.” Youngmin explains. The group is laying out picnic blankets and setting out containers of food. Daehwi takes Jinyoung by the hand and brings him closer to the water, splashing around near the edge.

 

Donghan comes up to Jihoon and tackles him with a hug. “You didn’t think you guys could come to the beach without us did you?”  

 

They spend the night eating the burgers they had taken to-go from Seongwoo’s diner (which is probably the reason why he agreed to drive them all down here), lighting sparklers and running down the beach. Donghyun brings his guitar and sings them songs, and they even convince Jihoon to sing one with Donghan.

 

 

Jihoon looks around and sees everyone that means the world to him. He sees Daehwi, Donghyun and Youngmin, the people he had found a home in. He sees Donghan, his favorite person in the entire world, who he knows will never give up on him no matter how much of a pain he is. And then he sees Woojin, the one who taught him to love again. He’s imperfection and stutters and stupid jokes but he’s _his_ —He’s a moment of freedom in the darkness of the world, and now he’s slowly starting to see the beauty of it.

 

Jihoon knows that he’ll always be surrounded by love, and no one can tell him that he doesn’t deserve it.

 

 

 _wipe the tears from your ivory face_  
_and turn those cherry lips around_  
_my heart is a kingdom_  
_and you wear the crown_

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's officially the end friends. guess who's crying?? me. i'm sobbing. 
> 
> thank you so much to everyone who's encouraged me and supported me through my journey of my first chaptered fic. all of your kind words have meant the world to me and i have nothing but love for everyone who ever spoke to me about any of my stories. i felt like this story really helped me grow as a writer, and i hope my future works are able to inspire you and interest you as much as this one did. a special thanks to daquad for being by my side and always supporting me as a writer, i love you guys so much ♡

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twitter where i'm doing a progress update thread on this fic @holywoojin and if you have any questions you'd like to ask me on anon, pop into my cc! [curiouscat.me/holywoojin](https://curiouscat.me/holywoojin)  
> thanks for reading, and as usual please leave kudos and any comments you have (p.s. i love long comments ur not annoying if you leave long comments they make me happy!!!)


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